By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
What does that mean?
It sounds as though you envision dropping her off at some Dickension asylum.
Consider that SHE might have a better quality of life in a memory care or skilled nursing facility with a peer group and professionals trained in caregiving, rather than a burned out, overwhelmed, aging spouse.
Please start by calling your local Area Agency on Aging and getting her a needs assessment to see what her level of care needs to be.
Schedule a visit with a highly qualified eldercare attorney to figure out Financials.
(((((Hugs))))).
When I worked as a front desk receptionist in a Memory Care Assisted Living residence, I met many, many spouses who were faced with the same decision you are faced with now: to either place their spouse in Memory Care to save their OWN lives or continue trying to care for them at home when it was literally impossible to do so. They made the tough decision to place them and were happy they did. The spouses would come by to see their loved one daily, some of them, and have lunch or take them out for a drive, dinner at a nearby restaurant, etc. Sometimes they'd just stay in the rec room and watch a movie together, or take a nap in the spouse's suite. It wasn't the house of horrors you've managed to conjure up in your head, nor were they the monsters you seem to think spouses are who make the decision to use managed care after a lengthy time of in home caregiving.
The vast majority of us who have placed our loved ones in Memory Care AL see and recognize the fact that they've gotten better care there, and way more socialization and stimulation, than they would have gotten staying with us at home. With nothing to do and nobody to socialize with.
It has nothing to do with 'morals' or 'integrity' as those family members would tell you, and as I myself will tell you, b/c to suggest otherwise is to suggest that those of us who have chosen managed care have no morals or integrity. I assure you that is not the case, and those that choose in home care are not 'better than' those who do not. It's a personal decision and not one that should be made based on anything but your ability to properly care for your wife AND your desire to do so for X amount of years more. No, you will have no life moving forward, and even less of a life as she continues to deteriorate down the dementia path. Your duties will only increase as she becomes incontinent (maybe dually so), starts wandering, and staying up all night with insomnia.
Wishing you the best of luck with whatever decision you arrive at.
I would say that it's time to explore facilities for her. You need a life.
My Mom’s is beautiful, and there are LOVELY caregivers there.
You wouldn’t be obligated, and you could see what’s available.
In my opinion, you could still be very committed to your wife, as well as live your life.
At the very least, consider hiring some help.
Best wishes to you.
At this point, if you don't make arrangements for the new guards to take your place for all those many hands-on duties, then you will have set her up to perhaps loose her only champion. You are not abandoning her. You are securing help and saving yourself for the both of you. It's time.
There are many great recommendations from the other responders to your post. I can't add anything other than to say please take note and follow their instructions and steps to get help from professionals.
You did good, super good. Now catch a few rays and enjoy the view of the horizon from a beach. Put a chip down for us.
If she is accepted into either program, there are benefits that will not only provide her professional care but will give you the rest to breath easier knowing that she is being helped and cared for by positive people. Take advantage of the services that these programs offer to caregivers because YOU need support and care too.
I'm glad I approached my mom's primary doctor to ease the caregiving my sister who lived with mom needed due to my sister's increasing health issues. At times, mom who had progressive congested heart failure and ad fib seemed healthier than her daughter. We were fortunate that mom did not decline mentally and was still following her stocks daily on CNBC.
I cannot say enough positive things about the Palliative and Hospice care my mom received from these services. The CNA was the same person when she began twice a week and continued with mom when we increased to 5 days a week and transferred mom to Respite care. The nurses were great -- and always available 24/7 either in person or on the phone. The social worker and religious care were fabulous. When the religious care volunteer visited I would leave the apartment so mom would have private time with her for praying and speaking her mind without me in the background.
You deserve to have time for yourself and to participate with others. If not in person, perhaps taking a course or seminar online via Zoom to interact with others would be helpful. You definitely need a break and investigate what is available for you and your wife.
I love my husband deeply and I can't imagine being able to do this without that kind of love. You are a person of great integrity. I commend you on that.
But one thing I have learned and am learning is that you absolutely MUST take care of yourself. Please don't let another day go by without starting that process.
Pam
See All Answers