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This past January she had a heart attack in the shower, face planted the tub and found by a neighbor when I couldn’t get in touch with her. Hospital for 2 weeks, rehab for 10 days… I’ve been down here since due to her diagnosis and inability to care for herself. Some days are better than others but she swears that I’m making it up to sell her house and I somehow got the doctors to sign off on it. I’ve managed to keep her safe, make sure she eats, takes her meds and gets back and forth to her doc visits but the emotional toll is heartbreaking for all involved. Thank god I’m her POA because she’s all set to go into AL this week and keeps trying to put it off.
Sorry for the lengthy response, but long story short, this disease doesn’t get better so try to get the legal stuff (Will, POA) in order and start gently suggesting help. I know it isn’t easy because no one wants to lose their autonomy but at the end of the days someone needs to be the adult in the room and keep her safe. Good Luck!
She refused, well 2 years ago she had a slight stroke, she was afraid to spend the nights alone, calling the EMT's over & over again, they started billing her $650 each time she did, well that ended that, we scooped her up, moved her near us in AL.
Guess what? She loves it, new friends, she teaches chair aerobics, plans event and so on.
Lot's more to the story, suffice to say, we had to sit and wait as the guidelines for invoking your POA and placing someone in AL are stringent. My mother would not have qualified for us to force her as she doesn't have dementia, bathes herself, feeds herself and with a walker gets around fine..she drove until she was 94!
And we/anyone that listens hear daily how she was forced to live with old people and her house/possession are becoming "a hell hole" because "she isn't there to take care of them". 🤷lol
When she was evaluated, and after move, it became apparent that she was much worse than we had known. Over the course of the year she went from regular AL to acute AL to memory care. So far she hasn't adjusted but her meds finally got changed and her behavior has evened out a bit. She thinks all the people there are old, the men don't even have cars! She wants to come home, go to the bar with my brother to find a man. Wants a gun to shoot my long deceased dad. Oftentimes it seems she is in the 1950s.
To get her there we got a agent/advisor to take us to 4 places. We narrowed to two. Took mom to see the two. Found that she was amenable to "trying it out" if the home really engaged with her and asked her to come try. Was especially helpful when some residents spoke to her said they loved it there. So she packed for a 2 week stay. Which we made permanent.
What are the main concerns about how she is managing day to day? What's happening?
We scheduled a visit/ tour of one of the memory care facilities ( Cedarbrook in Ware, Ma - it is amazing facility with wonderful staff) and accompanied her to see all of the options they offer. Not only did my cousin and I go with her but my sister, my aunt and a close family friend went along. We had lunch and met the staff, took a lovely long tour, got alot of our questions and concerns addressed and my Nana was in awe of the facility and everything they have to offer. I do think taking the time to go with Nana, seeing everything offered, knowing that it’s not a place where they just dump you into a room and ignore you was a big hurdle we overcame.
Theres also the understanding that it’s not just because Nana is a bit forgetful that we are making her move, it’s that the facility will provide her with therapy to help combat the dementia- not cure it but to help her know how to live with it and not be afraid. We are constantly reinforcing these points in preparation. The other point is that this place doesn’t have to be permanent - setting a timeline for her - saying if in three months she hates it’s, and she’s not getting any help or better than we will reassess the living arrangements and figure out something else. Memory care facilities are so far from a nursing home/ rehab and I think it is something a lot of the older generation doesn’t realize. That you are just trying to dump them and get rid of them- you are looking for a place that will help them
live their best life from here in out, since you can’t be with them 24/7 to ensure that yourself. Assuring your loved one that they will still have independence (to a point depending on their level of care needed) and that they won’t be locked up and forgotten I think is a important step.
I believe in just laying it all out on the line. That everything you are doing or arranging for them is out of love and wanting them to have the best care and therapy possible.
We are moving forward with setting her up over there, getting her place ready and figuring out what she has to bring and what we will get her new. It’s still a long process that’s taking its toll- yet at least now we all have something to look forward to.
More than anything my Nana wants to help and be useful- and in discussing this with the facility - they have various tasks she can assist with and that will be her “job” while she is living there and can help “take care of the elderly” ( My nana will be 87 at the end of May)