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The morning Mom was to move in, we got her room set up. Her bed, dresser, chair, TV and other familiar things. Took over some clothes. You can move more things later.
I am at this exact point with both my parents today. Mom with moderate AD actually wants to go and is miserable in their house. Dad showing huge signs of AD is resistant. I had been approaching the subject over one year with no interest from dad to discuss details. I showed brochures of lovely places. Logic did not prevail. This week dad flat out said he was not signing any papers at all and felt betrayed by me.
I know a disaster will strike if they remain as is. The last couple months I toured ALFs and narrowed it down to two, so I had a first choice and a backup. Dad who was the "good one" has gotten much worse lately and the house around them is literally falling apart. He does not think it is that bad. Again, there seems to be no way to use logic or reason. It seems urgent to me that they get to a safe place quickly.
I contacted my first choice this week and the ALF has availability. I put a deposit down to keep it for 30 days. I got paperwork and started filling it out, and have a meeting planned for my parents at the community in two days. It is my *hope* that after seeing how nice it is, dad may be more willing. If all else fails, I might also tell them it does not have to be permanent, but only just until dad gets better and will then have an easier time taking care of the house later on.
It is hard. I think one of the hardest things we will do.
Every time it was mentioned, whew! The tantrums. The shouting. It will go on for hours and you can't calm her down.
I gave up the POA. I decided to not interfere and just let the chips fall where they may.
It's not going to be good.
There comes a point where you have to make the decisions for her, Having POA is very important.
Appropriate meds can help a lot. Consult her dr. Sedation on the day of the move is a good idea. The staff at the facility you chose often have good ideas of how to make the transition work.
Other here have made the arrangements, kept mom distracted while some of her furniture was being moved in to her new place of residence, took her there for whatever reason works with her, and left her in the hands of the capable staff for a few weeks to adjust.
Wishing you all the best at this difficult time.
EVERYTHING depends on the level of dementia, which you do not even mention.
"Being stubborn' isn't a 'reason' - or the only part of her response to something she won't want to do.
The questions are -
--- how is her brain functioning?
--- her cognitive abilities?
She will continue to be resistant 'stubborn' as you say.
Expect this and do not take it personally.
* Give her space to talk and get out her feelings. She likely will be very mad (AT YOU), angry - and underneath all that is fear. Address her fears with compassion.
* Do not argue with her. Listen.
* The more you try to tell her the 'whys' she needs to go (for her own safety and well-being), the more she will "Yes, but" you. She will do anything and everything to hold on to the independence she has now [believes she has] and the familiarity of her home. This behavior is understandable.
* To me, it really depends on the level / kind of dementia.
i.e., will she forget the conversation in a minute or the next day?
My way of thinking "the more dementia, the less you talk to her about it."
I do not know the time table here - are you starting to re-search AI facilities or do you have a room already?
If you have a room already:
* You get the room ready (with her furniture, etc.)
* You tell her you're going out for a ride / meal / visit a friend.
When there,
* You tell her it is a TEMPORARY MOVE while xxx (the room / house is painted, etc) at home.
* You tell her anything that will calm her down in a new place which will alarm her - and scare her. You continually tell her how much you love her.
If you are broaching the subject for the first time:
* Include her in the discussion.
- Do not say 'this is what we are doing" = take control 'away' from her
* Keep telling her, based on her responses, "I understand you feel xxx".
* Say, I feel sad, TOO. (So she knows she isn't alone).
* Do not discuss it for too long the first time as it is mentally - in every way - draining and difficult for both of you. (Test the waters - mention and discuss just a little - say 10-20 minutes (???) and then switch to an activity she enjoys, i.e., a ride in the car, out to a park, go outside to your/her garden.
Visit Teepa Snow website or call (one of the country's leading experts on dementia) She knows how to talk to people in these difficult situations. Watch her webinars. She is 'magic' in motion. I've learned a lot from her (I took webinars for close to two years).
Gena / Touch Matters
Is your Mom on meds for depression or anxiety right now? If not, you may want to consider this before transitioning her. Many (if not most) elderly facility residents with dementia and memory impairment are on meds because their minds are no longer able to get then to a place of acceptance and peace so they need help with this. My Mom (94) just started the lowest dose of Lexapro and it has helped her a lot (she's semi-independent living next door to me and still mobile). It may take more than 1 try to get the right med, the right combo of meds, or the right dosage because every one is different. Would be best if this was addressed before moving her. I wish you peace in your heart during this season of change for both of you!
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