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If she does have dementia it really won’t matter because she’s not
going to understand or remember. She is 94. She has had her life
and you need to take care of yours. I know this from experience.
My husband had prostate cancer while I was taking care of my dad. You owe your husband your attention right now. We are not
promised tomorrow!
As you will read on these threads, sometimes (difficult as it is) you have to walk away for the moment. "Mom, I'm sorry you don't want to join us in the common area. But we have this special food and we will be sitting in there to eat. Come and join us if you change your mind." Be consistent. When my daughter was treated for depression the therapists told us not to cajole her into doing things. Ask and if she says no, we were told to go about our activity without her.
You have a full plate with your husband with a stage 4 cancer. I think perhaps you need to detach from mom right now and take care of your husband and yourself.
Mom is in a facility because she needs a higher level of care than can be given by non-professionals. If you feel the need to, tell the social worker at the facility that you need to take a month off from visiting and why. Send mom a greeting card each week.
But take care of your dear husband and YOU. Please!!!!