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Eventually he declined to the point of sundowners and wandering. As he progressed into those stages, I surreptitiously swapped his keys for his car and truck with ones which were identical to his keys but not programmed to start the vehicles. Over the course of the next several years, he tried to drive the vehicles multiple times when he would become frustrated. In the later stages, he has now forgotten about the keys and we have put them away.
We still have the vehicles because they are needed for his care. I never requested that the issuing authority revoke his license because he would not have understood and it really would not have mattered to him if he decided that he wanted to drive. I did not disable the vehicles because it became unnecessary once he no longer had keys which worked. Finally, I allowed him to keep the keys and his dignity all while keeping him and others safe.
If possible park your car out of sight .
And if you have two cars , sell one .
If his car has a key fob, remove the battery so it won't open the car door or turn on the car.
Remove the car to a neighbor's garage or park it around the corner. Oops, the car's in the shop today!
The doctor could prescribe meds to decrease his anger.
then redirect - pick a meal, chore anything he can help you with.
time to make a new home for the car?
Typically they will pick up in a van or bus, bring the participant to the center. There they get a breakfast, lunch, snack and activities.
I knew of one person that would slip the director $5.00 and the director would give it to the husband at the end of the day. That was his "pay" for coming to "work" they did give him some tasks to do during the day. He was very happy getting paid for his work.
But some of the things you can say to your husband.
"Work called earlier and they said that you don't have to come in today, your vacation day was approved."
maybe..."That machine broke and they are waiting on parts so you don't have to come in."
Or....give him wrong keys, you have to call for a tow so he can't go to work.
If you have 2 cars you need to get rid of the car he drove.
Make sure that you keep your keys on you at all time so that he can't get yours. And I always locked the car when it was in the garage so that he could not get into it to access the garage door remote.
1) he wants to drive 'go to work' (due to dementia)
2) he gets very angry with / towards you (how to handle it)
Re the car:
1) disable a part in the car
- be sure he can't call AAA or his / your car ins company for a repair
2) change the car key on the key ring (buy a 'look-alike' if needed)
3) tell him the insurance expired and you're in the process of getting it renewed
4) Is this your car? Can you sell his car? Can you park it elsewhere so he doesn't see it "It's in the shop" - needed a new starter ...
5) Do you have an MD letter indicating he is not allowed to drive?
6) Have you discussed #5 with DMV?
7) Notify local police that of the situation 'in case' he does drive. They are used to these situations (hopefully he won't be driving).
As you can, have a 'friend' come to pick him up for 'work' to take him out for breakfast, a walk, something. See if getting him dressed (tell him he has to shower and get 'ready for work' - if he can. The 'friend' could say it is a 'holiday' and then take him home ("the office is closed today for xxx").
Anger towards you:
1) Do not try to convince him that he cannot drive. He won't understand (as)
this will set up an argumentative, emotionally charged interaction. You want to avoid these charged situations however you can.
2) Say:
"I will look for the keys.
"Why don't you sit down while I look for them."
Then walk away.
Perhaps offer or give him a cup of coffee if he might accept it.
Tell him the office is closed today (its a legal holiday).
3) Consider how you handle his reactions (anger, agitation) other times?
How long does his 'anger' last ?
Do you do anything to re-direct his? / his focus (anger) - how?
Read Teepa Snow's website, study her webinars, buy her books, see her You Tube videos on how to handle these situations.
4) Get help(er) / caregiver in around the time he asks for the keys to leave.
Have that person come to the door to 'help him get ready for work" (get his papers, contracts, get dressed).
5) Consider:
When did this stroke happen?
Does the MD say he will be able to drive again at another time?
How has the stroke affected him in other ways / behavior / emotional reactions?
Is he diagnosed with dementia?
a) What kind?
b) Do you know what part of the brain is affected? and how?
(Study / read about)
How long as he been in this routine (wanting the keys to leave)?
What does he do when you say whatever you say about the keys - how long does he stay activated (angry) ...
Where does he go?
What does he 'then' do?
How is he otherwise different physically and mentally since the stroke?
Is there an Association you can call for support?
5) Take care of yourself as you can / need to.
You cannot be 'on' 24/7 absorbing this / these reactions coming at you.
Get help in / take breaks / you need a respite.
Lean on your friends / networks / church for support.
6) Find a medical social worker (some work independently).
S/he may be able to help you.
Gena / Touch Matters
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