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There are no good answers except to make you the priority. Mom has had the opportunity to retire, enjoy life once the house was empty, spend time with her grand and even great grandchildren. This is your time to live a live.....take it! Enjoy it! I realize this seems easier said than done....but we all choose our paths...and we must choose to do the best for ourselves first, then help those who need us. Otherwise, we will not survive....and we will turn into our mothers with age. I personally don't want this scenario to happen with me or my children...so I strive to care for me first now. Good Luck!
I constantly listened to the fact that there needs to be enough money left to take care of my brother. Make sure you make your brother a dinner plate...ect. Before I got hurt I was doing all the housework, laundry, cooking ect. My goal while she was really I'll was to teach him to take care of himself. This caused nothing but arguments and resentment not to mention my exhaustion with an average of 4 hrs sleep a night. I also have Rhuematoid Arthritis and was in remission for almost 10 years. Well I had a relapse during all of this and trying to get well again.
I finally made the decision with the help of others and aging are,com to stop this madness. My moms condition has improved as she had brain surgery. She can walk again, her cognitive skills are back, but she still needs 24 hr care which she refuses to pay for. Wanted her bills and checkbook back and I honored that. What a mess now. Arguing with me and just won't listen. I made the decision to be removed from her will and give my share to my brother. I am giving him the POA as he is next in line. My sister lives in CA and she doesn't want it. I did this to remove myself from the constant emotional torment. I am so burned out and disgusted that I went totally against my father's wishes of equality for all his children and basically walked away in order to get my life back. The fact that she was so happy I did this for my brother was a kick in the face, but Now she will stop making me feel guilty. I of course, will never abandon my mother as she is my mom and no matter what I love her. I will sleep better at night knowing she doesn't resent that fact that I am hindering her son's inheritance. I took my life back and my health. I love my brother dearly but, enough was enough. I went over, above and beyond for them at my own expense. you need to think of yourself. Trust me your emotions will kill you! Take your life back. No matter how much you want to do the honorable thing and give love, you do not deserve to be treated that way by anyone!!!!!
If it's impossible to sit down and talk with your mother about the situation, write a letter, after you make arrangements as Pam suggests.
Explain in terms that don't assign blame to either of you but that do address the situation so she can read between the lines and know that her behavior caused your departure.
There are some situations that can't be changed, so it's better to recognize it before you become ill trying to cope with unacceptable treatment.