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Getting old is not a free pass to act mean towards family members.
If dad has dementia going on, get him properly evaluated and into Memory Care Assisted Living where he can have autonomy and you can get peace back in your life and your dh doesn't have to tolerate ugliness from his FIL.
Multigenerational living is normally a short term plan and why senior living residences are popping up like flowers everywhere. Because we all deserve peace and tranquility in our lives.
You say he was always kind of mean. People like that get a thousand times worse when they get old.
If it turns out he has dementia which is not always the answer, have him placed in assisted living or memory care.
If he's just a mean and nasty person who enjoys instigating and spreading misery, tell him he has 30 days to get out of your house or you'll serve him with eviction.
Either way no one has to tolerate his nastiness anymore.
You mention guilt, the buzz word of the 21st century, a self imposed emotion that can hold one hostage.
I don't see why you should feel any guilt whatsoever, you and your husband are entitled to a life together without your father. He has lived his life, it is time for you to live yours before you and hubby are too old to do any fun things together.
He could live for many more years, my mother is 98 and still going strong, she is in AL and loves it, being around people her own age, activities and she doesn't have to lift a finger everything is done for her.
Good Luck.
What you can do is start looking for another place for him to live. He’s going to get worse, and he’ll need professional care.
Why does he require this care from you?
You say this is part time care but you say your dad lives with you. How does your husband feel, after 10 years of living with him, about continuing to live with him?
Does Dad have dementia?
If so, what you can do is understand that paranoia and anger is a part of many dementias and that your Dad is not capable of rational reasoning now. Then set aside what he says and move on.
If, on the other hand, your father is rational and without dementia, then it may be time to make choices about how much care you wish to continue to provide to him.
Certainly your husband should not be required to give care to someone who is abusive to him verbally, whether rational or not, if he doesn't wish to.
I have had the police to the house numerous times due to her uncontrollable yelling/screaming carying on, etc.
She refuses to leave my house saying she is going to die in my house as planned with family around her, not in some facility alone.
Police told me I can get a court order from a judge after we find her a facility. The police will come to the house to help us with getting her to the facility safely.
It is very sad when situations such as this arise, but we do have to think of our own health and mental well-being as well.
I told my mom that if she was not going to seek medical help for her issues, I cannot continue to go on this way with her that she will have to go to a facility.
You have to do what is best for all involved....good luck
THIS! (From JoAnn29)
"If they were nice before, they will be nice after.
If they were nasty before, they will be nasty after
If they were nice before and nasty after, they were nasty before. Just covered it up."
My mother - who is not on any anxiety meds - is the same as she always was. She was quick to find fault with me and is still at it at the ripe old age of 96. Every. Little. Thing. that she doesn't like, she has something to say.
Nevermind that I have faithfully cared for her since 2006 and have now pretty much lost, given up or put on hold everything that meant anything to me.
By-the-way, you didn't say whether your husband is bothered by your dad's insults.
The older she gets the more abusive her neediness gets.