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My DD is an RN and says you need to make them feel they made the decision if you get a no answer. "Mom, don't you think you would feel much better if you had a nice shower and clean clothes" You may get a yes. Or Mom, "you really don't want to sit in those messy panties so lets change them" hopefully u get an OK.
My mother wears fleece pajama pants and a pullover crew neck shirt every day.
I change her clothes daily and her diaper probably 2-3 times a day, depending on her level of incontinence - all when she is on the toilet and her pants are already pulled down.
Sometimes she will grasp her diaper and clothes and try to stop me from pulling them down over her feet but I do it anyway.
When changing her shirt, I just pull it over her head and off her arms. Once I get a clean shirt over her head, she will push her arms through.
As far as the anger goes - you can't control someone's anger. You're caring for your mother and can't allow her emotional responses to be a detriment to her own good.
You are right and it's the only way. Caregiving for dementia is a dictatorship and not a democracy. Too true.
Try some tricks..
Don't ask "Do you want to change clothes?"
Say "It's time to freshen up."
Avoid mention of boring tasks, avoid explaining with logic, avoid increasing her embaressment or shame.
"Come with me" as you lead into the bathroom. (Half the battle done). "While we are here may as well..."
If she is someone who likes to keep control, try flipping the question to get the answer you want.
eg Do you want to feel fresh & clean?
You might get a yes.. (with some luck).
Do you want to wash, shower, change clothes, change more likely to get a No.
So, in a nice calm voice you say something like "OK mom it's time to change your pullup". Does she help pick out her clothes? If so, offer her 2 options. Would you prefer blue pajamas or red pajamas? If she has a hard time deciding, I say things like "I think the blue ones would be good" and hope she goes along with it.
If your mom is angry, why is she angry? Because you want her to change? If so, give it a bit of time where she might have forgotten or at least calmed down.
Good luck!
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