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my DH and BIL applied for guardianship in NYS. It is only valid in states that recognize it. The state she is living in now does not recognize NYS guardianship. This 75 yo woman with the intellect of an 8 yo is considered a free agent where she’s living now.
My in laws worried about their youngest son, all their resources went to help him get set up in his life. No special needs trust, nothing was done for my sister in law. My mother in laws will bequeathed her daughter to her two sons. I didn’t know you can give away a person. She basically did a dump. There was never any discussion with the family about this situation. For 40 years I told my husband I would not do it and I would leave. But it still ended up with my MIL and FIL not addressing their daughter’s and every one else’s’ welfare.
I told my husband I would prefer a divorce after being married 47 years to dealing with her issues. I do not have the patience to live with her. And it is not fair for them
ti think I should. Currently she is living with her other brother and his wife and they hate my guts because I refus do anything other than sending money monthly to supplement her income.
I did not create the problem
and I am not the solution to it.
I also want to add that there should be a family discussion before a wedding so that the incoming spouse knows full well what the family expectations are. I wish someone clued me in, I was 22 when I married and was oblivious.
Do you plan to have your daughter be her brother's full time caregiver or will he be living in a care facility? Will your daughter need to resign from a full time job? If yes, it is estimated that one will lose $350,000 over the years, that includes not only salary, but also the value of company paid health care... value of company sponsored 401K benefits... life insurance benefits... payroll deductions for Medicare and Social Security... etc.
If your daughter will be your son's full time caregiver, does your daughter have her own family? With dementia, one can find themselves "working" up to 168 hours (being on call) per week, which doesn't leave any time to interact with family or friends, to attend her own doctor appointments, or get any restful sleep.
A neighbor who is a doctor and his wife have a Down’s syndrome son who lives away from their home and visits for weekends and holidays. Another acquaintance helped establish a group home where their adult daughter lives and loves her “jobs” there as well as her housemates. This sort of solution might work for your son for a while. Because of his Alzheimer’s, he will need memory care. This can quickly become a nightmare for your daughter to do all by herself..
Keeping Down’s syndrome and dementia patients at home with family isn’t always the best solution.
There are also resources available at https://www.specialneedsalliance.org. I found the book "Managing a Special Needs Trust" by Barbara Jackins to be really helpful.
Medicaid waver is what I think you mean. This is going to be hard for your daughter. Dementia is a desease that worsens over time. Then throw Downs into the mix. I had a family up the street from me, their daughter had Downs and was my age. She started showing signs of Dementia around 60. She got violent at times. IMO, I think it would be better to place your daughter into a nice LTC facility with Medicaid paying.
My nephew has a Special Needs Trust where his deceased Moms insurance money went into. This was set up by a lawyer versed in Social Security law. This money cannot be used for food or lodging because these can be subsidized by the Government. Its weird what it can be used for and not. If you set up a trust, I would think Medicaid would have to approve it. I would see an Elder Lawyer to help you.