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Take care of yourself first, because if you get sick or become unable to function, you're no good to yourself or anyone else. And think about this: If your mother doesn't realize that she's a helluvalot better off with you than with just about anyone else, anywhere else, then you should not worry about what she thinks, because she is not thinking clearly.
I have a job, it's not 24 hours a day, thank goodness. My mother's mother turned mothering over to her sister who lived with them, yet resented any kindness or affection she and her brother showed to their aunt. When she was 15, her aunt died suddenly, and any show of grief was a betrayal. I get my mother. There is nothing I can do or say to help her suffering. I just need to survive long enough.
My mother is furious with me b/c I have been in therapy on and off (very much ON now) for the last 20 years. Her guilt over how she allowed me to be treated and her lack as a competent, caring parent did affect me, very deeply. She feels guilty and thinks my therapy is a "look at me" situation. Few people know (nor care) that I see a therapist.
I do not see why it is ANY of mother's business. Yours or mine. Your lives are so intertwined and convoluted--I bet your kids don't even know to whom to turn. You are in a pretty unhealthy dynamic--but if you chose it, who am I to judge.
From your first post, where you say "10 minutes and no answer--guess I am not worthy of this" was telling. People rarely really answer within 10 minutes!!
You DO need help, and you DO need to step up to mom whatever her age or situation.
People who constantly need reassurance that they are loved--and I mean CONSTANT often have some deep seated emotional needs. You need to learn how to readapt your thinking.
I could NOT live for 24 hours with my mother, I don't know how you do it.
Good luck with the therapy, the changing meds (been there, still doing that--yuck!) and hang in there. You have some tough choices to make.
I do wonder what you would think if someone you liked asked you that question about herself. Anyway.
What made you happy was the relief from stress and intrusion. Supposing your mother maintained this grip on you physically, rather than emotionally, say by means of a tight strap on your wrist? Take it off for a week and you would be happy to be pain free because the grip is too tight, not because you don't love her.
Clearly, from your second post, there are a good many issues that you're having to handle all at once. I won't start up on my usual thousand-and-one supplementary questions; but please know that we are listening and we do care.
I'm so glad that you realize that your mom is mentally ill. It doesn't make living with her any less wearing though.
I would stop trying to prove that you love her and develop a neutral response.
" you're entitled to your opinion, mom"
" hmmmm, i guess"
" whatever you say, mom"
W/o therapy, which I doubt she would get, I don't know how you can address these underlying needs, but there is a way you can turn the situation around.
Whenever she asks why you need to do something, respond that it's to help make you a better caregiver, so that you can provide more love, companionship and care to her.
We aren't born naturally to the challenges of caring for older people, and I think we can all learn something at one level or another. That's probably why many of us are here.
So it seems natural to me that we engage in activities that help us in this new challenging position. That's what you're trying to do with your respite activities.
To an outsider, I agree, this does look a really straightforward case of emotional blackmail. But your mother has overdone it, by relating every single thing she wants you to do or not do to how much you "love" her; and when it comes to it it's not like you need her permission to leave the house and go wherever you please.
So don't pay the ransom. You know you love her - that's how come you're still with her! :) - and you can prove it. In sensible ways, like looking after her nicely and being her caring daughter. Not in crazy ways that make no sense, like pretending you don't need any friends or any help or any contact with your peers.
I didn't see your post before this because the threads I have already participated in occupy the top lines in my newsfeed, and I often don't get past those to view new threads unless I really have time on my hands. I suspect it's the same for many posters here.
So, tell us why, as an adult, you are needing to tell your mom where you are going? Do you live with your mom, or she with you? Do you tell her everything about everything? (that was a real question)