By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
My mother (passed last December) was a very difficult person all her life due to mental illness. All I could do is protect myself by distance and detachment.
"However, I am trying to preserve mine and my family's own health and energies. The situation seems futile - with less frequent, brief visits and calls as the only apparent solution."
Yes, I believe that is the solution.
I am not sure from what you have written if you suspect the beginnings of dementia in one or both of your parents. If so, one thing you could do is write out your observations and concerns, including their lack of cooperation with you, and give the document to their family doctor. Some people can only address the issues of parent care and safety once their parent(s) have a crisis of some kind - usually a health crisis.
Decrease the number and frequency of visits and use your time and energy for your immediate family.
Many here know how frustrating it is when you can see challenges in the future and your parents refuse to discuss them. You are not alone.
There's no "rule" about that, you know. Legally, you owe your parents nothing. Morally, you should reach out to try to arrange care for them, but the've rejected your offers to do that.
So, you owe them....nothing.
Like many adult children with mentally ill parents, you appear to think that there is some "proper" way of behaving that you are trying to adhere to.
I'll let you in on a secret. Those of us with more functional family relationships don't think that there is a formula for how often you show up. You show up and lend support when it's needed and when it's welcomed.
If your support isn't welcomed/accepted then step away.
And feel okay about that.
Your family is #1.
My husband's mom had severe copd. He tried to get her to stop smoking. She said that she was going to call APS to say that he was abusing her (meaning that he was saying " ma, please stop smoking. It's going to kill you.")
So, he walked away. And let the situation play out. She made her choice and he feels not one iota of guilt.
I strongly recommend this course of action to you.
Back in March, your question about whether you should pursue your retirement plans received a consensus answer of yes, go ahead. Then you asked what to do about your parents' insistence on pestering you for medical advice. Now you ask what to do about finding your parents' company and their attitude to you and your wife increasingly stressful.
In your perfect world [wavy lines across screen]...
Your parents would do what?
Your parents are managing their lives their way. Their way includes sending out constant radar beeps to make sure you're there if they want you. They do not want you to DO anything. They just want to make sure they've got your attention.
Now, that's fine. I'm a big supporter of people's pleasing themselves. If your parents want to muddle along until they can't, I'd be the last person to try to force them into doing anything different.
But for you it isn't fine, because you keep responding to their beeps. You then have the frustration of attending when called only to have your assistance refused. It must be infuriating.
But there is only one way out, you know. You're going to have to stop answering.
If your wife and you already have enough to deal with, these things will feed into each other and every one will make every other one seem worse - you'll be more stressed about work, your health will suffer further, you'll be less able to support one another and less optimistic about your futures. So, just to make one change: if you were to try one or two of the most useful boundary-building techniques - grey rock, for example - and NOT do any of the things you've habitually done in response to your parents' stimuli, what exactly do you think would happen?
"Elderly parents want me to give up retirement dream and care for them, while refusing to discuss their health plans" and have 98 responses:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/elderly-parent-wants-me-to-give-up-retirement-dream-and-care-for-them-while-refusing-to-discuss-thei-447098.htm?orderby=oldest
"Elderly parents refuse to seek proper medical care. Any insights?" and have 23 responses:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/elderly-parents-refuse-to-seek-proper-medical-care-any-insights-449085.htm?orderby=oldest
How is this question about coping different? If you haven't already, reread all the responses you've already gotten because you've gotten many.
Your questions and topics are more alike than you seem to recognize. ***Guilt*** is the common thread in your posts:
In Elderly parents want me to give up retirement dream and care for them: "...My parents have lived their lives on their own terms. Yet, I still feel a great deal of guilt about moving away...."
In Elderly parents refuse to seek proper medical care: "...In particular, I often feel guilty, burdened and responsible for my parents well-being..."
And in this Visits and contact thread: "...I feel guilty for my feelings - like a bad son...."