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I plan not to come back as often once I know my mother has been accepted for Medicaid.
For some reason my sister feels the need to go every day so I travel here to visit so she doesn’t have to be there for the time I’m here. Until I know our mother is on Medicaid. I’m will be around. Once that happens I’m out.
I do think I could walk away and not look back at this point. I feel like I’ve paid my dues three times over.
Will come back and visit a few days during the year nothing like what I’m doing now. I simply can’t keep this up and don’t want to anymore.
It was beyond crazy--they were paying a fortune for the privilege of now caring for their mother in a facility---before one of us inlaws had the chance to say anything about how stupid they were being, she passed away. In the 2 hrs that SIL left her alone.
They were ALL exhausted and now--in hindsight, see that they should have placed her 5 years ago and made her adjust. Instead they gave their lives to her.
I have no doubt that they would have kept up the 24/7 care as long as she was alive.
And she did not appreciate them doing all this. She felt it was their duty.
Your MIL was only in the facility for a week! There are so many posters on this forum that have had their family members in a facility for years.
It was nowhere near worse for them to visit in the facility than caring for her at home. She had an entire staff at her disposal in the facility.
The staff took care of everything, unlike the subpar hospice provider that was hired to care for your MIL in her home.
Plus, surely your DH and his sibs must be grateful that their mom was fortunate to die in a facility, rather than dying on her floor in her home.
Finally, the woman is at peace and hopefully all of you will be able to find peace too.
You can only do so much .
Reason number 2 - and frankly the driving force -was tolerance. We could only handle so much time with my narcissist FIL (read: narcissist - not narcissistIC - he was a genuine person with a personality disorder. for many, many years leading up to going into the nursing home. And going into the SNF made him, bitter, mean, angry, hateful and downright ugly) Visits were not pleasant. They were filled with accusations, him screaming at all of us (this the united front, all traveling together, arriving together and leaving together). They will filled with outright lies about each of the siblings, the staff, all kinds of absurd things. At one point he even tried to hit my husband.
So we minimized the visits for his mental health as well as our own.
I get what you’re saying and sometimes the kindest thing that a person can do in these circumstances is to stay away.
What’s the point of visiting if they find the visit irritating?
Some people simply cannot be pleased.
That is to say if they KNOW and are WAITING, then I would do all I could to make the visits more frequent, even if shorter.
If they do not remember your being there, and do not think about you and worry about you and ASK FOR YOU (speak with caregivers about your feelings) then this is just worthless strum and drang you are adding to your dance card when it's already full to overflowing. You are THINKING about this. To me that says it all about how much you care.
Guilt isn't appropriate. You didn't cause this. You can't fix this. Life isn't happy-all-the-time. It is full of imperfect choices and human limitations. You have a right to your life. And guess what, you have a right to down time that belongs solely to YOU for your pleasure.
You will be miserable if you visit more than it’s feasible to do so.