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sharirose, your PCP's attitude is very common, unfortunately. This is what Dr. Brad Boeve, a behavioral neurologist at Mayo Clinic has to say:
"It pains us greatly to think of the LBD patients who see physicians who have the all-too-frequent view that "this patient has dementia, none of the drugs work so there is little to do, so get your finances in order and plan for a painful next few years when you won't recognize your family, will need to live in a nursing home....." This is the view of so many MDs, including neurologists and psychiatrists, and it is our (LBD specialists) obligation to educate the public and the medical community that LBD is very different than AD, and it is absolutely unacceptable to do nothing or take a nihilistic approach. We must also maintain realistic optimism, since there is almost always something we MDs can do to affect quality of life - through medications, education, counseling, behavioral modification, etc."
He is speaking of Lewy Body Dementia, and each kind of dementia has its own responses to different kind of treatments, but I think if you have a PCP with the attitude that nothing helps you would be better served by a doctor who specializes in dementia. I sincerely wish you the best of luck getting significant help managing your husband's symptoms.
As "Daughter" said, when a person with memory problems has a stressful event, such as loss of close family member or a change of environment, it can create a great deal of confusion. Your mom has experienced both so that is probably exacerbating her condition.
My mom has a combination of Alzheimers, vascular dementia and aphasia (from a fall). Even when the symptoms were much milder, anytime she had a change of routine, she got nervous, more forgetful and confused. She is now experiencing paranoia.
It is possible for your mom to score high on the memory tests, if she happens to be having a good day. My mothers PCP, whose father had vascular dementia, told me that one day his father could give him sound financial advice and another day he would make no sense.
It was very frustrating for me when my mom would go for testing. She always did well. I knew what was going on at home but it never seemed that bad in front of the doctors.
If it were my mom, I'd let the doctors go through their diagnosis process. Since they specialize in geriatrics, they know how much patients' conditions can vary from day to day.
I don't have a medical background so I don't know how common it is for delirium from surgery to go on for 3 years after surgery. That surprised me. If it turns out to be delirium after all this time, then you've dodged the dementia bullet.
The doctors are probably going through their diagnosis process to rule out certain things before making a final diagnosis. Since she's a new patient, they are starting from the beginning. Good luck.