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Cancelled the appointments due to severe weather. Reschedule to November. That was a mistake and the appts person will probably think I'm crazy when I call back and try to get her in sooner (than later)
I don't know how she is going to do on her own when she goes back to her apartment in a few months. Hard to think about and get in front of. I know she won't suddenly become her independent self and be able to manage her own affairs.
My counselor said I am catastrophizing and she is not off the mark. In my mind I'm trying to prevent the inevitable. ha
The above article right off the Forum's site is good, I think. We tend to pick up all the luggage that is set down, adding more and more to it until we could never conceivably carry it. We want to "fix it" all. In all truth, why is depression not an honest and APPROPRIATE response to all the losses that aging entails? Mom is likely just as scared as you that she cannot handle it, and as confused about where to go from there.
I am the master of catastrophizing. I can carry it out to all the hot water heaters exploding at once while the siding leaks and the walls run water. But I am so much better when I draw myself back in to TODAY. Right HERE and right NOW. I actually have taken to making a physical hand motion, both hands out, pulling back and pointing to my feet with them. Here I stand NOW. I have almost to pull the little girl in me, out there stomping up problems with both boots, and bring her back to the 77year old woman who has handled them before, will again, who knows that feelings are like weather fronts, they come and they go.
Half of what you can think of will never happen. Half you NEVER thought of WILL happen. There is no way to make the decisions other than day by day. I know just how this feels; you have my heart.
And remember, depression is an honest response to losses, and the future looking like MORE losses. Let her tell you all about it. When she says "I am depressed" ask her what right now seems like the worst thing to her". Let her know you hear her. Would you not want the same. Let her know that you know it IS hard, and not everything has an answer, but you will limp along together.
For most of us, isn't it what we need most? To simply be heard.
Are you able to go for a walk without her? She can sit and be miserable and you can go get your blood flowing.
One thing I did with my dad was take him shopping with me. I spent more time in Costco and Sam's club then at home I think. But I used it to exercise him and keep me from going crazy with the constant crap that he gave me when he was not otherwise occupied. They are temperature controlled environments that we could have a cool drink and a snack for a reasonable price. I did my shopping one item at a time for a while. Just what worked for me.
You know that you can only do so much for her and I bet you know that she likes making you miserable, so take that power away from her and let her stew if that is what happens. Some people aren't happy unless they are miserable and making others miserable, from all you have shared I think your mom may be one.
Take care of you and keep your eyes on the prize that she will be going back to her apartment when they are ready, no ifs, ands or buts, she goes.
Hugs!
Take care.
For me it would be "I am so sorry; can you tell me what is bothering you most. What you feel. What you are fearful of. I understand how you must feel, because the old adage about Old Age not being for Sissies certainly is true. Is there anything I can do to help you that I am able to?"
Don't expect happy. Isn't happy a lot to ask of her right now? I resent the thought that every doctor you see now is ready to throw some pills toward you, as though you are a trained seal and they have fish.
Do have the basics checked. Be certain there is no bladder infection, that there is not unaddressed pain. Then figure out with Mom what might help. Does she have any interest in listening to radio, working puzzles, a ride in the country? Anything you can think of. But DO KNOW that there may be nothing whatsoever you can do about this. Not everything can be fixed.
Also, I agree with you about the HAPPY part that you mentioned. It is overrated, but there are other feelings not polar opposite as happy or sad.
The contented, thankful feeling is one of them. So, no all those things you mentioned wouldn't make anyone happy! I choose to be hopeful and find peace in my surroundings and things like that but you can't make someone else do those things. I don't believe extended periods of depression is good. I have made her drs appts but she is going to try and snow her doctor as usual. And as a lot of people know-sometimes it is a way to get attention and to have something to do. I also know there are vast amounts of elderly who are keeping themselves busy and helpful and then those who give up on a daily basis. I FEAR I might end up like her if I don't do something to help myself now. So, I seek counseling and an antidepressant. And if she and I would do what our good doctors strongly suggest and get out and move around-walk- then we might feel better. One of us, isn't even willing to do that.
The doc has had my mom on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication ever since she was diagnosed with dementia. My mom has the type of dementia caused by years and years of taking Benadryl and other allergy related meds. They aren't sure how to deal with this type of dementia. I feel the antidepressants have helped her. I am struggling maintaining her and feel I could use some help myself with depression. Considering asking the doc to put me on one as well. I understand how you feel. It is hard enough to deal with your own challenges, aging and life in general, but tack on a parents and it's a bit much.
Take care of yourself and don't feel guilty about it.