Follow
Share

My elderly and disabled mom loves to have my family visit her. Unfortunately, it is very stressful for me because her house is quite dirty. I am allergic to her cat and there’s cat hair on everything. She allows her cat on the tables, on the counters and on the furniture. Before we eat a meal, I have to hand wash each and every cup, plate utensil. Her dishes always have some kind of gunk on them. There is never one single dish item in the house that is clean. I cannot use the toilet there because it is filthy. This is very difficult because she lives one hour and 40 minutes away and I always need to use the bathroom at least twice while I’m visiting. Mom is homebound and not able to meet me outside of her house. She has started having a house cleaner come every other week, but that just does not seem like enough, especially when mom is having problems in the bathroom with diarrhea, etc. I know, it’s gross, but I’m trying to paint an accurate picture for you here. Having her house cleaner come more than every other week can’t be an option, because she’s extremely frugal. She also refuses to hire a home health aide. She lives with her partner, who is not interested in helping with house chores, but will help her if she’s in the most desperate situation like she’s fallen and can’t get up. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can more comfortably visit with her?

Find Care & Housing
You can’t risk your health by going over there.

Like others have said, have a stash of bottled water, paper plates and cups. Order food for delivery or go pick it up.

But it’s the allergy to cats that makes me think you shouldn’t be going over there any more. My DH is deathly allergic, so maybe you aren’t that bad?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to southernwave
Report

I know how you feel. It's the same situation for me, except it's more than cats.
I had the house professionally cleaned, but because my aunt has incontinence issues, if she messes up one bedroom, she goes to the others. Being that I live far and would need a place to stay over, is one of the many reasons for why I haven't been back.
I had it cleaned professionally from my own pocket, but to keep getting it cleaned constantly is extremely expensive.
I wish I had an answer for you, except to say that I know and understand how you feel.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Tiredniece23
Report

Can Mom potty herself. Maybe leave some cleaning wipes nearby and tell her and partner to use them to clean up after thenselves. Is it that hard to put cleaner in the toilet bowl and swish it around? My cousin cleans houses. She tells a new client that she does one big clean so the cost will be higher. After that, its just a matter of maintaining it so the cost is cheaper.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

While my mom was a meticulous housekeeper, there did come a point where she could not do under beds and a few other things. I was lucky enough, given I was one half the country away, to be able to afford to provide her a few extras. They took great care of themselves, moving to independent living, the to apartment after my Dad's death, the to ALF, but I was able to hire a housekeeper once a week and also provide her with a computer and the methods to use it.
Is there any way you could afford to gift your Mom this service?
Would work for both of you.

If that's out of the question I sure understand, but if it is, looks like you are stuck with it.
Given what you describe the other option is discussing with your mom the state of things, and how she may need to consider a move soon?

And if she's no intention of moving, and you can't afford housekeeper, then you are simply stuck with making the best of it. Take with you those things you need to clean the toilet and so on, wash your own dishes, help out with cleaning when you're there, and just make do the best you can.

Life can get messy. I no longer have a cat, but when I did, there was of course cat hair. And I must admit she jumped right up and sat on the edge of the kitchen counter all the time! I am pretty clean and neat, in fact a bit OCD about it, and cleaning is something I love, a zen that brings order to my disheveled mind, but yup, the cat went EVERYWHERE. What can I say. I identify a bit.

Good luck. Last resort is that you visit a little less. I mean, you can call and text and even do zooms these days. No need to so often subject yourself to what is disturbing.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

Visit the day after the cleaner comes. Bring paper plates and cups. Order out. When my father lived on his own and was still capable I refused to use his bathroom. His level of clean and mine were so far apart. But it is his home and he gets to decide. My aunt was mad at me for not cleaning in his apartment because apparently men shouldn’t have to clean. Unlike her I had a full time job and did not have the spare time she thought I did.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to lkdrymom
Report
AlvaDeer Nov 17, 2024
GREAT practical advice. I would add, bring paper plates, a pretty paper picnic tableclothe and take out for lunch. How's that. No judgement, good food and a table cover over the cat hair. And a good allergy pill before going in. Where there's a will, there's a way!
(0)
Report
The fact that you have an allergy to cats is the perfect "excuse" not to visit.
When you say mom is homebound do you mean she physically can not get out of the house for some reason?
Could you pick her up and take her to lunch? Or her partner can bring her to meet you at a local restaurant then you can drop her off at home?

I would question the mental capacity of 2 people living like this. The fact that her partner will only help if she has fallen and can not get up just seems odd.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Grandma1954
Report

Kim, I definitely understand your issue with all that. That's completely understandable, Your not alone in this, my mom's not dirty at all but it's just a different way of life at moms , the men in moms life, dad did, now my brothers took over, with this supper high sence of manly entitlement that is just not my world. I feel like I'm in a 1960s sit-cons there and it is hard to be around for a long period of time.

I really have nothing to add that waytomisery didn't say, just that this is not unusual feeling.

I also imagine, if you claim your frustration to some , some are going to say that you should help clean. This is not your job, so don't let others make you feel that it is.

I am wondering if mom doesn't live far from a convenient store, if you could think of something you may need there as an excuse to use there bathroom.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Anxietynacy
Report

Find out when the cleaners come and visit the day after .

Bring take out food and eat it right out of the container , bring utensils and your own beverage in a bottle .

Stop and use a bathroom just before you get there if you can and after you leave . For example , Kohl’s by me seems to always have clean bathroom . Maybe this way you only use mom’s bathroom once at most .

Bring a travel size can of Lysol in with you and spray and hover . ( Sorry about the image ) .Or bring glove and paper towel to dry . Or they have those paper toilet seat covers in small travel packs you can buy on Amazon . And travel hand wipes , bottle of sanitizer.
I totally get the dirty bathroom ick . I can’t handle that .
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to waytomisery
Report

You could bring paper plates and cups and plastic utensils to use instead of her dirty ones. You could also pick up meals on the way or order from DoorDash or UberEats so no cooking is necessary. Find a place nearby like a library or store where you can use the restroom before you reach her house. Are you able to pay for some visits from the cleaner to supplement the ones she pays for? Maybe not even for a whole house cleaning but priorities like the bathrooms and kitchens. Since you said she loves to have family visit, could other family members contribute to the cleaning cost as well? (I'm allergic to cats also so I especially sympathize there.)
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to MG8522
Report

It’s Actually legal to be a slob, though.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to PeggySue2020
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter