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Thank you for treating your mother with ultimate love and kindness.
Parent with dementia says "I want to go home". Your reply "We need to talk to the doctor about that" or "The doctor needs to sign off on that".
Parent with dementia claims that someone is stealing from them:
"I'll look into that, mom. I need to talk to the laundry person about that".
Person with dementia says you are the devil and have been a rotten child your whole life (while you are the person paying bills, talking to doctors, managing their lives).
"I'm sorry you feel that way, Dad. Tell me what I need to change".
Yes, you are entering THEIR reality.
When my mom first began dealing with serious memory issues I tried to "fix" it by telling her the truth which often involved bringing her into "reality." I quickly realized that this caused her a lot of mental and emotional anguish and pain and I stopped. Therapeutic fibs are now a go to and they mostly work.
You didn’t cause their situation. You’re doing your best and have nothing to feel badly about.
Wishing you peace during this difficult time.
Anyway, back to the subject: I think part of the kindness of helping a LO end the journey as peacefully as possible is to affirm his reality as much as possible. They are already frightened, confused, and feeling completely helpless. Being told "No, you're wrong, this other thing is the truth" may BE the truth but...how does it help them? Only if it helps or is absolutely necessary should you try to get them to accept something that is true when they don't want to.
If you are doing this you have experienced the torment of interacting with someone who no longer uses reason or experience or reality testing to deal with thoughts produced by a declining brain/sensory system.
Those of us who attempt to provide comfort and solace to such victims need not define nor explain the techniques we employ, and certainly don’t need to apologize for them.
I still cherish (and tear up a little actually) when I listen a tape of my recently deceased LO calling to be sure I’d let her mother (deceased some 50 years previously) know that she’d be late coming home from work. I was my privilege EVERY TIME, to let her know I’d done what she’d asked.
Q: "Why isn't anyone helping me get ready for school! I'm going to be late!" A: "You won't be late. Classes are cancelled. The water main burst so they closed campus until it's repaired."
Q: "What time are my parents coming to get me? They promised to take me home this weekend."
A: "They called to postpone until next weekend as there's a severe storm forecast."
Q: "I want to see my (dead) brother! Get him!"
A: "The combine broke so he had to rush to town for parts. Then he'll harvest until late, to beat the rain."
Harmless. And enough to satisfy her. Although I suspect my mother processes much more detail than the others I've seen with dementia. Her world is all over the timeline but she's still very articulate and can often pass for being ok, although she is late stage.
I'm in a bind right now because my mother thinks I'm helping an assassin who's trying to shoot her. Haven't visited lately because she becomes hysterical and rages at me. Had to be sedated last time. I can't seem to talk my way out of this one.
Excellent responses to these questions.
When relating to a brain having lost / losing cells / cognitive functioning, the goal is keeping someone as calm as possible. I don't know who came up with the phrase therapeutic lie. It isn't a lie at all to attempt to speak to someone who cannot comprehend the truth or reality and is fearful - to focus on keeping that person as calm as possible.
Gena / Touch Matters