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Now, to quote you
"But, I have to start over, forgive myself and others and get happy and healthy. How to? I do not know. I am stuck for life!"
Just what do you need to forgive yourself for?
I am going out on a limb here, but is there any way your present circumstances are tied to the death of your husband? Are you still grieving and maybe stuck in depression from losing him? Has losing him made you feel that life will never be worthwhile again so you may as well put up with the abuse? Are you lonely? Are you punishing yourself for something you perceive you have done wrong?
As long as you believe you are stuck for life and keep saying it, you probably are, but you do not have to be.
What to do?
Write out steps you can take to improve your situation. Coming here and sharing, and reading the responses is one of them
also
- stop saying you are stuck for life and start telling yourself there is a way out
- tell your sibs and your daughter about the abuse. I know these are big steps, but family secrecy is unhealthy, and allows abuse to continue.. It sounds like you will get a better response from your daughter, than your sibs.
- discuss with your daughter how you can get out of this mess.
- see your doctor for the meds you need. Are you on antidepressants? It does not sound like it. If you are you may need an adjustment. If not I think you need that help.
- fake it till you make it - meaning until your self esteem and confidence rise, fake it by telling yourself you are worth while, and you can make the changes you need to
- start with baby steps -everyday, do something good for you, and/or something that will move you onto a healthier path
These are a few concrete suggestions, and of course, come back and share how it is going with us. People here do care. Keep unloading your pain - it helps.
♥ hugs and prayers Joan
If my wife could find the strength to stop being 'mommy's little girl' who was so intimidated by 'mommy dearest', then I'm sure that you can discover the strength deep down inside to stand up for yourself as well.
Unless, it is clinical depression, most depression is anger turned inward. Want to find some energy? Turn that anger outward by getting in touch with your anger toward your mother for being so abusive and stand up for yourself!
It sounds like you focus too much on your faults and failures which only makes you angry at yourself and is just what your mother uses to keep you hoovered into her emotional blackmail which I like to call being lost in the F.O.G. fear, obligation and guilt!
My father in law was an emotionally abused husband if there ever was one, but the sad thing is that he never believed he was strong enough to stand up for not only himself but for his daughters when his wife abused them. He lived in fear of his wife leaving him and not being able to survive without her when in fact she as the abuser was actually more dependent upon him as her slave than she ever wanted to admit. To this day she only expresses loss over his death because he is not there to do everything for her anymore. Does that sound like a strong person? No, she is not, but she wants people to believe that she's the big bad wolf who will huff and puff and blow your house down. However, most narcissists actually have a great inferiority complex and they can only feel good about themselves by making others feel inferior. Part of what I'm trying to say is to not accept how your mother views you. You are not inferior. You are special. You are worth much more than your mother gives you credit for being. I hope for the best for you as you struggle in this situation that feels so hopeless, but does not have to stay that way. Reach out for some help for your own self, save yourself from this abusive situation!!!
I have a friend with serious fibromyalgia, so I know the pain you are in, particularly with the arthritis and scoliosis. You sound like you need help so that you can take some type for restoration. I'm not going to give you advice on that, because there is advice all over the board. I know how hard it is to live with someone who has a mouth on them. They can work at your self esteem and it does have an effect. Sometimes it helps to step back and look at yourself. We all have faults and failures, but you apparently did something right in having a successful marriage and raising a good daughter who loves you. I'm sure before you became a caregiver you had a lot more successes. They are just losing their luster with pain and the constant wearing on your self esteem that you are going through.
You deserve a lot better than this, but as a caregiver I know that you have to do all the work to get your own needs met. You are not stuck for life. The strange thing about life is when you walk to the end of one plank, another is laid down to walk on. Life is like that. So stop chewing on yourself and know what a good person you are. Try to let your mother's words dissolve in the air. They are just her dissipating her own anger with no consideration of the stress they cause. If I could wish anything for you, it would be to wake up tomorrow content. Then you could deal with getting the pain in check without having to worry about any other stresses.
I do think you should keep your siblings updated on your mother's condition and temperament. Even if they don't help, they can't say it was because they didn't know. I hope you are able to get some help so you can take some time for yourself, if only to go out to get a burger or to go to the community center. Looking forward to a shopping trip is also nice.
BTW, most of us on here know how you feel. It is terrible to feel so trapped. It is terrible to feel there is no help. It is terrible to have an elder saying ugly things to us. And it is terrible to put up with all of this when we don't feel well. But I do believe that another plank is being laid down for us. We just don't see it yet.
Thanks again for you CMagnum. I really am glad that everyone here really care about others. You all are my only friends. Thanks
BTW, you are probably going to collect a WHOLE BUNCH of posts from people who care about you now. Please keep all of us apprised of how you are doing and what changes you can make...hugs...prayers that you can hang on until help arrives, and that it will arrive soon.
How exactly has your mother threatened you? If she has made you feel that she is a danger to you, then call 911 and have them take her in to the hospital for a full evaluation and tell the hospital people that you just can't take care of her anymore due to your own health problems, etc.
BTW, who holds medical and durable POA for your mother or does anyone?
Prayers, hugs and love for you as you walk through this very dark time in your life.
Keep up updated!