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Best of luck to you...take care of yourself...
What is your motivation for telling her? Its it in her best interest or because you want comfort from her?
Remember how this disease works.
1. They have no short term memory.
2. They pick up emotion from the people around them and mirror it back.
3. They live in the minute
4. They have little ability to handle and process complicated emotions since that requires memory and rational thought.
What would be the purpose of telling her he is dead? Is it for her or for you? Why would you want her to go through the same fresh shock, loss, sorrow, pain, grief over and over every single time you repeat that he has died? That sounds cruelty.
My mother's brother died. At first I thought "she should know" then I started thinking about WHY should she know? I finally decided it would be unbelievably cruel to tell her over and over her brother died to force her to process it, and if she wasn't going to process it to resolve it, then why tell her at all? As mentally functioning adults we cannot forget that someone has died and is no longer there for us. We HAVE to learn to process the pain and grief in order to get on with our lives. They have lost that ability, and their lives are now the minute they live in and the past (hopefully happy) memories. I wonder if part of Alzheimers is the brain's desire to cope with/forget past pain.
Find others who knew your father to process your own grief, but I think the person with the dementia should be protected from something they no longer have the capability of coping with.
My deepest sympathy, and I sincerely hope there are others near for you.
Now my Mom is suffering from dementia do to Parkinsons. Over the past 5 years of caring for her, I have learned many things and remember very well the devastation my grandfather went through every time we answered his question.
The people who are caring for your mom are doing the right thing. Do not tell her that her husband is gone! The best thing to do is change the subject. Redirect her attention to something else. Change her focus and move on. Although my dad has been dead for 30 years, passed when he was young,54, Mom will still occasionally ask where he is or when is he coming home. I just say soon, or he's at work, then I change the subject and she moves on. Because they are so fragile mentally, it is best to shelter them from subjects that will be upsetting.
I sure hope this helps you out. Having been through this before, I can assure you that you don't want to put your Mom through that loss or yourself through the pain of telling her.
One time I tried not to tell him that mom had passed. I said, "Oh mom will be back in a minute or two." That really upset him and he wanted to know if she was sick. So I had to go back to the truth and he could connect with that and accept it. The truth gave him more peace.
I think you will have to find a response that doesn't upset your mom. Start with the truth and then some reassurance that he is waiting for her. If that is not helpful you will need to find what is. Some people can tell their parent that the spouse is at the grocery store and it works, but you mom seems to have a better sense of significant dates. It could be that her dementia is taking her back to a time in their marriage so that is on her mind.
I don't think there is a perfect answer to this question. I hope my thoughts have been helpful and at least give you some things to consider.
Hugs to you and best wishes in your journey. Cattails.