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I got called some really nasty names getting a women in the shower once, but I don't think anyone else could of even gotten her near there
Also there are some great dry shampoos out there
Mom asked me for a washcloth to hold while she was gripping the grab bar. Bingo! She felt more secure than when her hands would slip on the wet grab bar.
We have another poster who calmed her mom’s fears by placing water shoes on her mom’s feet. She was no longer afraid. I thought that was a brilliant idea!
I do think that it is easier when an outside person such as an aide does the showering. It’s easier for them to tell a child or spouse no.
Sometimes a sponge bath will do. You can only do so much.
Best wishes to you.
Your best bet in my experience would be to bring in a CNA for the showering and not you doing it yourself.
When the aide comes you tell your wife she's a nurse (sometimes people with dementia don't understand "caregiver" or "CNA" but everyone knows "nurse") and she's been sent by (name her doctor) to come and help her with the shower. Then the three of you head for the bathroom.
If she gets stubborn, look her straight in the face and speak to her in uncomplicated language. Tell her plainly that her doctor called and said she must take a shower and will hear no excuses. Promise her a nice treat if she takes her shower and gets fixed up. This usually works.
If it doesn't work, you force her into the shower. It's not safe or healthy for a person to go months without showering unless she's being washed up regularly. Does she get soap-and-water washed up? If so then she doesn't need to shower She can be kept clean this way too.
How do you force someone into a shower if they don't want one if you are working one on one? Most of my clients were combative and would put up a fight if anyone tried to make them do something against their will. Plus, this is considered assault and battery.
Also, it depends on how the bathroom is set up. Some bathrooms are huge with nice large showers. I've known nurses who do home care who would wear clothes to help a client maintain their balance and to wash their hair while in the shower. There is no right or wrong way to do this. As long as you get your person clean and showers are not too long and too hot.
You don't get in the shower with them because that is ridiculous.
Much of the time an elder who refuses to bathe or shower is like a child who refuses to. You handle it the same way.
Have you considered finding out what it is specifically about showering that she’s avoiding? Is she fearful of falling at some point in the process, is her skin too dry & bathing makes it worse, is her energy too depleted that the thought of the entire process of showering is too exhausting for her?
I have early onset myself & am finding that I simply need a reminder to shower a couple of times a week. When I learned more about my MRI brain scan & that things like my thalamus had atrophied to 4% etc , & learned that it regulates a lot of things including consciousness- well, I began to have a much better understanding of why I am beginning to do the things I am doing, like feeling exhausted all of the time…etc.
If you can get at her reason for not taking them the solution may follow more easily.
Smartphones are nice too. I have a calendar reminder of the days I need to shower. I’ve set daily alarms for taking my medications.
And of course you never ask her if she wants to take a shower you just TELL her that it's time now to get in the shower and you take her hand and lead her, and if need be you shower her yourself. I had to help my late husband in the shower and then stand outside and wash him up to make sure he got good and clean.
And for the in-between showers you can use the extra large body wipes and waterless shampoo and conditioner caps that you can order either on Amazon or Walmart.com.
Good luck.