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Oh my gosh. I found some one with similar issues. My Mom is never happy and most of the time it is my fault.
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Hello Marymo67. Life as you describe is sadly typical of dealing with parents who are no longer able to take care of themselves. Having lost the control they once had over their bodies, minds, and lifestyle appears to create an unhappy bitterness they have no desire to overcome. Some elders are very sweet and appreciative, but many are full of anger and do not easily accept the limitations imposed upon them by age and infirmity. It is a struggle as a caregiver to not let the negativity, repetition, and demands, get to you. There are no Magic answers. Your brother and yourself must find a path to accepting you are doing your best, and that your best is remarkable and comes from a place of love. Mom’s complaints are not going to be resolved by another move, or better care. She is simply unhappy with how her life is going at this stage. She likely wants whatever abilities and control she used to have. Of course, this is not possible. Unless she wants to accept her circumstances and continue to find joy in her life in new ways, she is not going to change regardless of decisions you or your brother make. It is possible she will never accept or move forward. In the meantime, try to accept the situation for what it is, and resolve to behave differently for your own children if and when you find yourself acting like her as the years advance. My husband and I are researching our future as we are approaching 70 and do not want our child to be miserable if and when we become disabled.
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Way2tired May 2023
I love this answer!!
I recently had to explain to flying monkeys that came to visit my FIL that he will never be happy , he doesn’t want to. He has dementia and would rather stay in his room and not socialize with any of the other residents at AL. A year ago he lost his wife and got put in AL in a months time . His life totally changed and these visitors expect him to take a happy pill and go to activities and get over his grief.
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She clearly has issues. Try to divert her mind, remind her of the good things around her. Talk to her about something that makes you laugh, do you remember? Keep calls short. Try to end on happy note. Don't feel bad if you can only do it for 5 minutes. Walk outside for a breath of fresh air. People can mentally change and develop depression. See doctor about possible change in medications. Hang in there.
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Your brother's demanding job has probably saved him from your mother's constant insanity. The only thing you can do is walk away and leave her be. She has your number if she can't be nice then don't take her calls don't visit. New rules now. You are an adult that she is relying on. You were not born into this world to be her slave or punching bag. Most likely she won't change or it will be for a small amount of time and on her part absolute misery for her to control, but this is not your problem. She lived her whole life treating you like this. Explain to your brother and move on. I had to do the same. It is hard but with therapy you start to realize you never asked to be born to these parents, we didn't get to choose they did. If you are not willing to treat another human being you bring into this world with absolute love and kindness and support that outweighs your own selfish needs you should of kept your legs closed and your pants zipped.
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