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My recommendation to you is, let go of what you cannot change (yes it's hard!) and focus on finding other ways to get a break...enroll her in a senior center (if she's physically able), some even have transportation available....they pick up a senior take them to facility for lunch and a couple fun activities and bring them back....this gives you a 2-3 hour break! Go to your local chapter of VSN (visiting nurse Assoc) and see what options are available to your situation that would give you a break, help, with your Mom's care! For a while I had a local high school student we knew from church who would come Granny-sit so I could go out to a movie or dinner....unfortunately Mom's health has deteriorated now so it's no longer an option....
Just have to think outside the box....this is a tough time...but it does have its rewards!! You will find you have more energy, the whole tone of your household will change if you let go of that/those you cannot change!! You are in my prayers! (((HUGS))) and God bless you for caring....!!!
First of all, I feel for you and you have come to the right place for advice. We are sort of in the spot your siblings are. My husband moved across country for school and work and is not available to help his parents, who are leaning more and more on his only brother. His parents moved recently - not into senior housing (they are almost 80) but to a new house in a tiny town with NO senior services. So they expect his brother to drive a hour each way for every showfall so he can blow them out - and it has to be right away. They also depend on his wife for laundry and cleaning. Now, it is getting to the point that they don't want to drive in winter and expect their son and daughter in law to drive them to doctor appointments, grocery, bookstore, coffeeshop - etc - ON THEIR SCHEDULE, never mind that the two work full time.
so yes - my brother and sister in law are very angry with us who live across country because we are not helping.
We've suggested that MIL and FIL hire someone local to do the snow blowing and yard work, hire Merry Maids to clean and do laundry, and look into social services for things like driving help. (my mom lives in a tiny rural town and can use a car service for $2 a trip - set up by the county social services). My inlaws refuse because they do not want to PAY someone or have someone strange come into their home. And my brother in sister in law cannot say "no - you need to find local help" so they blame us for not helping. AND they all are mad at us for not coming out every vacation to help - how dare we take our son for a week at the lake instead of coming out to do their work!!!!
My point is - why are you giving up your job and your life? Mom should pay you for gas. Mom should be looking at services that do much of what you are doing. Help ONLY with those things where ONLY you can help. Just because she expects you to do them, does not mean you have to.
Just another view point and probably not a very popular one :(
Caregiving for a parent is a huge eye-opener for many people. You learn that your family members are not the people you thought they were, that your relationships with them are not what you believed them to be, that their loyalty and concern for you is not anywhere near what you expected or believed it to be.
I personally have been bitterly disappointed by the family members I once was closest with, and painfully disillusioned with the whole experience. I no longer want those "rare, peaceful times" or those "little moments of joy", not with these people. I wouldn't trust them. I don't want to get sucked in again to believing in the goodness or caring of these people, now that it's become abundantly clear that they don't care one bit if my life is miserable as long as their lives go on as before. I go through the motions, making nice at family gatherings etc., but that's all it is. I wouldn't say I hate anyone. Rather, there is a loss of trust, loyalty, and caring connection that I doubt could ever be restored. I doubt I'll have anything to do with the rest of my family once my mother has passed away.
Out of 7 kids, 4 of us (the daughters) share the load. I think it has brought us closer together. Two brothers are involved minimally because of health issues. The third brother is not involved because, as far as I can tell, he is a jerk. On the other hand I have no idea of the nature of his relationship with Mom or the state of his own mental health. I'm having a close relationship with my mother and my sisters. Poor guy. He is not.
I have exactly the same opportunities regarding Mother that all seven of us have. I can decide how much I want to be involved. So can they. Hating them for making different decision than I did would hurt me. Why would I do that?
mlanette0079, I think you would be better off psychologically and emotionally if you just consider yourself an only child (in this regard). OK, it is all up to you. You have to figure out a way to see that Mom gets good care while at the same time not shortchanging you own children or harming your family financially. You have already seen that fussing at your sibs is not getting that done, so you need more practical solutions. If you want to start a new thread with questions about practical solutions, I'm sure you will get a big response. Many people struggle with this.
You do need help. Accept that you are not getting it from your siblings. Whether you hate them or not is irrelevant to the solution.
I have 3 sisters who live in different states and can not physically be here. But one is close enough to drive and help out as I need when a major situation occurs. She and I made a pact that we are a team. We've even given our team a name and have a mascot and that makes it more "fun". Get rid of the hate...do it for a higher purpose. BUT set boundaries and care for yourself.
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