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Selfish and ungrateful?
Selfish and ungrateful! I love it!!!
Momsgoto, there is something about glorious, blazing, triumphant illogicality that just tickles me for some reason.
"I went to the shops and bought these items, having learned nothing from many previous similar experiences. My daughter says she is fed up with returning items I have bought and don't want, and is not going to play this game any more. How selfish and ungrateful of her!"
I can only recommend that you carry on being as selfish and ungrateful as your sanity, your sense of reality and your marriage require; and allow your mother to enjoy her grievances.
That's too bad for your mom that she has not figured out how to live without someone at her beck and call. Maybe you should start retraining her now so she has a better rest of her life! Perhaps a call OR a visit a week. You also set a timer on your phone or kitchen clock to limit the time you have with her. When it rings, time's up and you have to go to your next appointment. That appt could be taking out the garbage - its importance does not matter, what matters is that you obey YOUR schedule, not mom's. Distance yourself from her so she can have the joy of being an independent woman!
The part about returning things had me nodding my head. Mine will buy something, then decide she doesn't like it or thinks it cost too much. She wants me to return it. I won't do that anymore, since it seemed to be turning into a game with her. When I stopped returning, my mother didn't try it anymore. I don't understand why she was doing this, but it was very irritating. It was more like she couldn't find anything that pleased her, not even if she bought it herself.
I know you are just venting, momsgoto. Vent away. Many of us know what you're saying.
I'm suspicious that there is some cognitive decline but every doctor says she is fine. She keeps her house clean and is pretty sharp with her finances. So it's the interpersonal deficits that are obvious but only to those who know her. In my experience, doctors really don't care that much about these issues. Unless your loved one is licking the walls or disoriented as to time and place they don't address it.
I too have one, and I also had a very unhappy childhood, made much more difficult by a mother who threatened to kill herself at every turn. I grew up terrified and in constant fear that she would, in fact, do that and I'd be held to blame and would go to jail.
It's only taken 60 years for me to stand up to her. I kind of blew up 2 weeks ago when she pulled this stunt again. All I said was "Do as you please, mom, we'll all be fine." This set off a pout-fest and one of those "you kids were so hard to raise! My Dr always said you'd be the death of me!" (she's 87, and nobody has done her in yet.)
When Mother gets this way, I have the power to WALK AWAY. And I do. And I FINALLY have the power to do so without any guilt, whatsoever.
I will now set boundaries and if she crosses them..I warn her. She usually respects them. If she doesn't, I will say "Ok, then I am in timeout and I will see you in 2 weeks". Whether or not she cares is her problem. I doubt she even notices.
In your case--can you move your mom closer to you (NOT in with you) to cut back on the long drive..or are you OK with it chewing up an entire day? This would pretty much end a relationship with my mom, she's within 20 minutes of all her kids.
I can say without question, unless she has a serious cognitive decline, this behavior is going to go on as long as YOU let it. You're the one in charge here and now. Set some boundaries and stick with them. Sounds like she's not going to be happy no matter what you do, so set things to please yourself! And good luck with it!! :)
If you truly think you are guilty of doing wrong, then try changing what you're doing:
You set your limits where you and your husband want them--and be more generous toward him, because I expect (from my own experience) that he is willing to agree to let you do more for Mom than he really thinks you should.
Tell Mom you're sorry if she thought she was going to move in with you and have you unselfishly cater to her every whim, but she must have slipped up somewhere in her child-rearing technique because that ain't gonna happen. Now, she needs to make other plans while she is still competent to do so, and you will help her examine her options at your convenience.
Since she has financial means to live in a community, suggest that she would be happier there than whining and wishing you'd do more than you are going to do for her. Basically, tell her to grow up and get on with her life; and you can spend 3 hours a week (or whatever limit YOU set) helping her find a new good place to live before it's too late for her to have any choice in it.
From my observation, people who move into a senior community nearly always say they should have done it sooner; so IMO, this would be a wonderful thing for you to do for her.
At any rate, you're not abusing her; your primary obligations are to your own household, so no guilt for setting your limits.
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