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We all snap, whether with our friends, our loved ones young and old. It happens. No one is asking you to be a Saint and it is a very bad job description, anyway!
You are human like the rest of us and we all have our breaking point. I remember the first time I lost my temper with my bedridden husband and hollered at him. I too felt horrible and shortly thereafter went and apologized. He was so sweet and said that it was ok because I think he knew that I was doing the very best I could. However the next time I lost it with him and went back to apologize, he looked confused as he didn't even remember as he had dementia.
Like I've said on this forum before, anyone who says that they've not lost their temper with a loved one that they were caring for is lying.
Joining a caregiver support group really helped me keep my emotions in check better as I was able to share with others who were going through similar things and who really understood. When I shared that I had hollered at my husband and how bad I felt, they all said, "of course you lost your temper, we all have at one point or another. Don't beat yourself up over it as you're doing the very best you can." That was so comforting to me, to know that I wasn't alone.
So that's what I'll say to you. Don't beat yourself up over it. You're doing the very best you can.
I will add however to make sure that you're taking time for yourself to regroup and reenergize your spirit and soul. You must have time to find joy in things that you enjoy as you matter in this equation too.
If you make yourself a priority, that too will help keep your stress levels down and you will find it much easier to not lose your cool.
Hang in there. You're doing a great job.
And always remember, if things just get to be too much for you, you can always have mom placed in the appropriate facility.
It’s worth a try. We can all empathize with you. We’re all on the same path. Not where we expected to be at this point in our lives. Hugs to you. I wish you the best.
My favorite tool was the shuni mudra. As you feel that surge inside that bubbles up and makes your head feel like it's going to explode, tap your thumb and middle finger together as a signal to your brain (an interruption, if you will, because, frankly, your brain is powerless in that moment to stop the spewing) to take a deep breath (or three) before you open your mouth. It will ready you to speak calmly, maybe to say you need to feed the cat or go to the bathroom. It won't always work, nothing does, but you'll get better at it.
Another idea is to write down what happened: he said, she said, this was the result. Work it through, cry your tears. Those journal entries also led me to write an honest memoir about my years with my mother, and helped heal the relationship and my memories of her.
I'm glad I was able to forgive myself in those moments; it's probably prevented my ongoing disappointment in myself. I wish I had apologized more, but I suspect an apology would have led to another episode of whatever caused my frustration in the first place—usually feeling unappreciated.
Sending love to all of you. This is not your forever.
If you find, ultimately, that you're unable to control your emotions and avoid these scenes (for the most part, anyway), then it's time to consider alternative living arrangements for your mom. My mother took her mother into our house and they went at it like DOGS for my entire childhood. Someone was always crying, lashing out, beating herself up (literally) out of frustration, or driving 'off the bridge' to kill herself. The drama and histrionics was ridiculous. The whole scene should never have BEEN in the first place. Mom couldn't control her emotions and grandma refused to stop needling her, so they were oil & water.
Part of your job is to figure out if this living arrangement is working or not? Your life matters too, DeeJay, not just mom's. If she's overstayed her welcome, there's no crime in admitting that and finding her senior living of some kind instead. My parents enjoyed Assisted Living a LOT and always had some fun activity going on.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.
The statistic they gave was...60% of caregivers admit getting angry at the person they are caring for. MY comment to the group was...that means 40% lied.
You can not be a caregiver and NOT get angry.
We are all human. Getting angry is just part of that.
Did your mom NEVER get angry with you when you were a child...did her anger at some point make you cry?
A few things you can do when you get angry:
If you can, if it is safe, leave the room. Sometimes just walking out of the room and taking a deep breath helps.
Do something different. If you are trying to get her to shower...forget the shower that day, or for that moment. If you are trying to get shoes on her, forget shoes slippers or socks will be fine. Getting dressed...so she spends the day in jammies. You can get her dressed later.
Most of the stuff is not worth anger, frustration.
If you get angry apologize, she may not understand but it will help you.
If you do not have help get a caregiver.
This gives you a break, gives mom a break.
If mom qualifies and can attend if there is an Adult Day Program get her there. Most will have a van pick up in the morning and they provide breakfast, lunch and a snack and lots of activities during the day.
There are programs called Memory Café's they are Dementia friendly programs that you can also attend it will give both of you a bit of a break as there are other people going through the same things.
If there is a Support Group that you can go to that might help you.
If this happens a lot it may be that mom's care is more than you can handle at home and it might be time to look for Memory Care.
This is not giving up but accepting that it is ore than you can manage.