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Your sister and her husband take care of your 82 year-old mother who has dementia and now cancer FOR FREE while also contributing financially to the household by paying the mortgage.
This is correct?
You have the audacity to complain about such a sweet, sweet deal where they take care of all the caregiving, and help with bills, and no one asks you for a damn thing.
Yet you expect them to make accommodations for you and family when anyone decides to visit.
Shame on you for being such an entitled ingrate.
I don't know you or your sister, but I'll tell you what I'd do in your sister's situation.
I'd get mom down to a lawyer right quick and have her Will changed and get my name put on the mortgage. I did do this. My mother was getting older and had made some bad financial decisions. I was able to help out otherwise the property would have been lost. I made sure it was all done legally so there'd be no question and no room for argument on who owns the property.
Your sister is not the one acting in a poor manner. You are. Maybe you'd do better to call her and ask if you can come and stay. Offer to buy groceries for the week and cook if she lets you come. Maybe actually express a little gratitude to your sister for taking care of your mother and don't start up with the 'you don't own the place' routine. Don't lay it on your sick elderly mother either to be the referee in your sibling rivalry.
Recap:
-Try treating your sister and her husband with a little gratitude and basic respect. Maybe actually say THANK-YOU to them for all they do.
-Offer to buy a week's worth of groceries and do the cooking for a week if they let you come and visit. Offer to help out with some of the caregiving and household chores too
1. This is your sister and brother-in-law's home you are talking about. Regardless of who originally purchased the home, they live here with your mother's blessing and they take care of the property (and her). It's their home. Why shouldn't guests in the home be subject to their approval?
2. From your description, your sister is mother's POA and sole caregiver. She's doing the heavy lifting, in my book that gives her the right to expect respect for her wishes and decisions.
3. I don't understand why she felt the need to defend her position including details on what expenses she and her husband pay toward your mother's and the home's upkeep. Could it be that you reacted aggressively to the information that she wished to speak to her husband about your visit?
4. As a mom myself, I assume that your mom would like for you and your siblings to get along and not create tension in the house during your visit. Now that she is sick, it is essential for her health and welfare as well that things remain calm. From the outside looking in, it doesn't seem like a good idea to have you there at all if this is what's going to happen.
5. What are you trying to accomplish here? I understand that you may feel sister is trying to shut you out by denying you a place to stay. Fighting with her about it is not only not likely to make her see things your way, but defeats the very purpose of a visit, which hopefully is intended to be helpful and a comfort to your mom.
I don't know if you are married, but I can tell you that consulting one's spouse before agreeing to something that will affect the spouse as well is considerate and thoughtful. Why didn't you just thank her and tell her you'll wait to hear back?
At this point, I'd either postpone this visit or plan to stay in a hotel. Try again later with a different approach.
While the home situation is different and she’s currently in a skilled facility getting rehab, she will not be able to go home after this and we are making accommodations for her to move into our home which is also our farm. I can see where if my brother was just telling me “hey I’m coming to visit mom for a week tomorrow and staying there (which is totally how he would operate)” I would be a bit put off and tell him I need to discuss with my wife. He has no idea what appointments, errands we have to take her to or what’s on our schedule.
try something like “hey sis, I want to visit mom, would you mind letting me stay a few days and when would be a good time?” You get more bees with honey than you do with poo, which mainly just brings flies. I’m running a lot of errands for her, interfacing with her attorney, doctor, rehab care team and handling her business affairs. Because of this I already have little time to myself because my wife can’t really help since she sees patients all day and can’t just take off work whenever. Perhaps your sister is just wore down and spends her free time caregiving and her husband pitches in after he gets off work and that’s why she’s checking with him, because she wants to say “do you think we can make some time for brother or should we make plans for another time soon.”
cooler heads prevail
Therefore, Mother's home is now also Daughter's home. (Not talking ownership or financial - just sense of *home*).
Son lives futher away, not able to be in the daily care team.
The Son does not live with Mom therefore is a guest in her home.
Guests are not entitled to invite themselves.
Good guests use manners to ask when/if appropriate to stay & pay for their own accomodation if not convenient.
To me it reads that SonSun feels entitled to *belong* in Mom's house due to... what?
Due to assumption that Mom's Will notes him as a part beneficiary to her property when she dies. That this THOUGHT (be it truth, assumption or imagination) overrides any right his Sister & her Husband have about who stays overnight in their now home/personal space.
See how that reads? Crazy.
SonSun, you said you view your sister as bossy & controlling, right?
Maybe she finds you bossy & entitled?
My mom is still very coherent however the sister as you and Alva are clearly have sided with based on your reply over rides my mothers decisions. She mom is not senile and still able to make decisions.
I pulled up the deed and its a life estate deed on the house which means if the original guarantor still lives in the house it is clearly their house.
I never stated I had access to the will so again your assuming and I am very aware I have no power over what ever mom wrote in it. That was her choice. Am I clear on that?
Again bossy? Beatty you should have your head checked as I never made one comment here indicating I was bossy merely the fact is it was the opposite way around. So how can one try and get along with family that is controlling ever single move one makes in their presence?
Calling someone crazy is clearly uncalled for and I am surprised how quickly your passing the judgement. Are you a licensed psychologist? I am sure not so please do not use that sort of vitriol.
I cared for my mother too. I stopped hosting holiday gatherings in my home because I needed a break!
People who have never been in a caregiving situation have absolutely no idea how difficult it becomes.
In fact, one of my favorite Thanksgiving dinners was when I announced to my family, “This year I will be walking on the beach in Florida!”
I told my brothers that I wasn’t cooking but they were more than welcome to come stay with mom while I was gone, and cook dinner for her. To my delight, they did! If they hadn’t, I had arranged to hire someone to stay with Mom.
I loved my mother dearly but my gosh, we need to take breaks from caregiving to maintain our own wellbeing.
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