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In my family's case, I told my sister that our mom would love to have her visit more often. So, my sister, who was normally not involved AT ALL with our parents started to make monthly visits. She would spend the weekend sitting around with mom. Mom paid to get my sister's hair done and my sister cooked a meal for mom. That was it. After about 2 years, my mom passed away and from that simple suggestion, my sister got a chance to spend a little more time with her mother than she would have otherwise.
I live nearby so I was VERY involved with mom. Sometimes, overly involved so much so that I gave up parts of my own life... and that's not so good.
My Brother!! on the other hand, lives in another country. He will come to the US and spend 2 months with his in-laws and 2 days with his mom. My mom has now passed and we are going through her things. My brother has NO interest in reading old letters. He just wants to get through things and get back to his life.
It is interesting to me how we all made our own choices. The only thing that ever worked for me was to have gentle conversations. In one case my sister took me up on the idea and in the other, my brother wanted NO part of it.
Today, I am amazed to see what happened. It is interesting to watch. I think in the end, my brother actually has the healthier life. He has a good family. His grown kids love him, his wife loves him, his in-laws love him... and his assessment is that his own family is out of shape, and negative and he won't have anything to do with it.
For me, now... I need to decide what I can do within my own area of life. How can I live life kindly, in good health and loving those around me. My brother, how decided to disengage from our mom, made his decision and if I look at what surrounds him, he is a contributor to this world... just not to our mom, for whatever reason he experienced. Maybe she wasn't nice enough to him. Maybe he gave her all he could. Now it's over... and all we can do is look and move forward.
Long winded way of saying, I am wishing you a smooth journey. I hope you are able to influence the people around you positively, and kindly without giving up your own life in the process.
Right or wrong, I have come to the conclusion alot of the differences have to do with how, as children, each one was treated by their parents.
Keep up the good work you are doing, it is so good you are faithful to you Mom. You will never regret what you do for her. Turn loose of the anger you have for them, as it only makes you feel bad, and it is not going to change them. If you don't feel like giving them Christmas presents, don't. Better not to give than to give with the wrong spirit. Perhaps you should be glad they don't come and try to tell you how to handle your Mom. That is usually what happens. They breeze in for a day or two and tell you just what you should be doing. The voice of experience. Blessings
PS I have a sib who has nearly no contact with mom; who has no regrets -- sometimes it makes me angry "that I'm alone and expected to take care of things" but we've had honest conversations and the sib really doesn't expect me to take on the burden; he sees it as my choice and I have to respect that. I love this sib and he has actually helped me to set boundaries and not lose myself in worry, guilt and control.
I have come to grips with my roll as caregiver and I realize that everyone else has too....They leave the work to me. I suggested more contact...what a mistake. They support her showcasing, and have cast me in the roll of villian. She even complains to me about them.... I take a deep breath and keep telling myself that it all straightens itself out in the end...I just wish I didn't have bills to pay, and I hope my young family isn't suffering because of it. Stay healthy...I noticed when I started working out (20min/day) I had a different outlook on things. Please ,she'e not the only one that need love.
If as adult children we put our needs first and foremost always-- we have not become an adult, regardless of our age.
We only get one set of parents, we need to be kind to them. Old age is not the time to try to settle old scores by neglecting their needs. Be the bigger person, do the right thing. Do the Christian thing in this season of Advent.
Elizabeth
One of my brothers has actually taken the quiz answers and sends follow up comments to my Dad. But another Brother, very little, Not sure how we all got to this point in our family. We lost our Mom very early and she was truly the hub of he family wheel, I guess we have been a dysfunctional family for 40 years.
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