How to deal with siblings who don't help?

MOVE ON! If you have asked for help and siblings don't help.. assume they never will. My one sister has said she would come this summer and help for a few days.. never did. Went on vacation instead. The other sister only takes care of her grandson. Never helps. My husband and son help me, but otherwise I am on my own because my mother does not want "strangers" in her house. I just do the best I can. FORGET about your siblings. It only causes anger and stress when you think about them not helping. Rely on the Lord. He cares. He gives us strength. He upholds us.

The only thing you can do is send them an email or a letter telling them what mom's needs are and how they can help. Then if they fail to step up, you will have to put them out of your mind or it will drive you crazy thinking about it. If you send the later, they can never tell you later they did not know or you never asked for help. Another thing you can do is say: you never contact us, if something happens to (fill in family member's name) do you want to be notified, because I do not plan to notify you unless you show some interest.

I know exactly what you mean. I have a sister who does'nt help at all can't even pickup the phone to see how our mom is doing. My sister lives 20 minutes from me and will not help at all. I do it all myself. I asked how she sleeps at night!

I've come to this conclusion,... No matter if you call to let the sibs know what is happening, or if their parent has an emergency, or even being hospitalized!! They "STILL" won't come!! The benefits aren't there to be given anymore?!!! As I have heard here before, they just DON'T care! I for one, am through wasting my time and money, and my parents happiness! Especially on people who are so selfish that they forsake the people who bore them!!! I can't even call them "family" except on paper. I had to harden myself to this fact in my husbands case, because this is happening with his family right now! If you don't it will eat you alive, just like the rotten sibs want!!!! Take care of yourself and those YOU know care for you and your family...! Godbless

To help with daily family awareness we use a “status check” web site that my Father logs into each day between 6am and 9am. If he misses the log in window all siblings get an email alert. If he does log in, he then answers some general health information (check the box). Then he answers some memory and math questions. Then each sibling gets a daily email on Dad’s status. Some THEN call to check in with Dad or help in some way, others still MIA. But they will never be able to say I was not asked or informed.

I have two siblings that live only 15 min from mom and they have never, ever helped. When we had to put her in the NH 6.5 years ago, it was like she "died" to them. It has always been only me to do everything for her and I mean everything. They've never visited, called or anything not even on her birthday, Christmas or Mother's Day. I tried and tried to get them involved in just the special occassions...but sister never would and brother only went if there was food involved and he never brought her a small gift or anything. Yet he has money to buy his girlfriend hundreds of dollars worth of gifts from the Mall..most expensive store there. I gave up calling them when mom would have to go into the hospital because they never visited her THERE either. It still makes me livid if I think about it, so I don't. I know that I sleep well at night and am doing all I can for her by myself...including moving her in with me several times over the last 6.5 years. This is the 5th NH I've tried in 6.5 years. None of them took care of her and neglected her. She is mean, combative and so hateful to me when she lives with me after just a month of "honeymoon". I can't do it anymore. My health has deteriorated so much that I can barely take care of myself. I do still go see her each week at the NH and take her to funerals, shopping, etc. You can't let the siblings not helping get to you or it will make you sick. Just accept the fact that they don't "care"..they are not "giving" people..they are "takers". Best of luck to you and we know you have a good heart. Keep up the good work!

Please, tell the siblings what needs to be done. I am in the position of wanting to help MIL, but BIL wants to do it all himself. I know from talking to his wife that he is resentful that the rest of us don't do more, but at the same time, he won't allow us to! Call a family meeting and thrash it out!

I am the one siblings doing all the work. I have asked for help many times. One is just closes his eyes to everything, (a case of Mom and Dad's failing health out of his sight and out of his mind), the other is bipolar and only wants their money, of which they have none. I've had to put them out of my mind so I can get on with my life. I have engaged local services to help with the driving and errands and doctor's visits. I have sought out the advice a geriatric manager and elder care attorney to help process Medicaid paperwork and work the system. I am doing all I can do. If one of them said, I'll help, I'd take it, but they do not. Every situation is different. You cannot "make" them help, that is what I found out. And it takes time to erase all the resentment from your thought process. Some days are better than others.

So Loveher, I would ask for help and be specific. If they do not help now, they will help later so look for support in other ways.

xo
-SS

You are correct onlyoneintown1---The Lord gives us strength. Without him..we are nothing and can do nothing. :)

Oh...I'm wondering..would it be terrible of me NOT to tell siblings when mom passes? I'm thinking they wouldn't even show up to her funeral anyway (I made all arrangements for it 6.5 years ago). I'm thinking about not even contacting them. They'd NEVER know because they've never asked or called or visited. What do you think? Maybe, the devil is telling me to do this.

I have a related challenge ... my Dad, recently diagnosed with FTD, lives in Oregon. I live in California, and my sister lives in New Mexico. Since my mother's death 4 years ago, I have been the primary (and sole family) caregiver for my Dad, arranging for in-home visits from home help; taking over all bill-paying, taxes, etc.; visiting at least once a month to help clean; arranging for medical appointments and getting him to them; and navigating the whole Medicare mess. My sister would LOVE to help more. Because I am mindful of her much more challenging financial circumstances and even farther distance from where Dad lives, I have asked her to call him regularly (especially now that he can't drive anymore), just to contribute to the "social contact" he gets during the day ... which she has done, gladly, but my Dad does not seem to be receptive. My sister calls frequently and leaves messages for him to call her back, but he very rarely does ... they only seem to chat when he picks up the phone instead of letting it roll to voicemail (he doesn't have caller ID). This is making my sister feel depressed and rejected, and I am having to try to manage her hurt feelings now (and talk to her regularly about his condition, and remind her that my Dad's behavior is no longer completely under his control) as well as taking care of my Dad. I love them both, and I think we're all doing the best we can.

I guess I'm telling this story because while I know there are siblings who can't be bothered (my brother had a falling-out with my parents 25 years ago over and couldn't bring himself to reconcile or even answer letters when my mother was dying of cancer 4 years ago; nothing has changed with my Dad even now that the dementia diagnosis has been made) ... there are some who genuinely don't know what to do, or who even feel "shut out" because of underlying currents in their relationship with the primary caregiver or the person being taken care of. There are some who simply don't seem able to face the tangible, daily evidence of decline, whether because they so fear this eventuality for themselves or because they can't stand to see it in a loved one ... and there are still others who simply don't have a clue how overwhelming and completely life-swallowing caregiving for a failing parent can be for the person who is actually doing it (I think some have an idea that caregiving amounts to basically poking your head in a door from time to time and asking your parent, happily ensconced in front of a favorite tv show with a cat on his or her lap, if he or she would like a nice cup of tea!!!).

I'm not saying this is an excuse, or that adult siblings shouldn't "man up" and help with the tough stuff, however much it inconveniences or uncomfortable it makes them -- just reminding us all that we can't always know the whole story of what's going on in other people's heads and hearts ... to cut people slack wherever you can ... and to rant loudly when you're driving by yourself in the car, just because it helps to get some of the frustration off your chest! :-)

This all being said, I think it IS fair and important to think about what your siblings could do that would actually be helpful to you, and to ask them, straight out, to do it. I know the following won't work in every case, but for some of you with siblings living close by, you may find that they are more comfortable helping you with chores/tasks in your own life while you continue to handle the direct caregiving ... for example, if they live close enough, helping you run errands, babysitting kids, providing pet care, and so on ... thereby helping to free you for the important work you're doing.

One final thought ... I have found in my own life is that while I am the one who has primarily carried the caregiving burden where my own parents are concerned, my brother (the one who hasn't helped with our parents at all) and his wife are caring for her mother (who lives with them now, though she doesn't have dementia or major physical issues, so there's a limit so far to how much of an impact on their lives this is having) ... similarly, my brother-in-law has been helping for many years to take care of his wife's failing parents (not an easy task, as they have dementia and hoarding issues) ... and my sister, in a much earlier time, tried valiantly to help care for my aging grandmother. For what it's worth, on my bad days, it helps me to believe that everyone gets multiple chances over their lives to "step up" and help someone else who needs them ...