Can family siblings request my moms financial statements on a monthly basis even though I have Power of Attorney?

Hello jeannegibbs: My sisters and I have always been close UNTIL my middle sister's husband died suddenly about 6 years ago. Since then she has been rude, the meanest and has kept me from all family events. Why, who knows, I don't drink, ams quiet, don't smoke, am the nice girl, and as they say, nice girls finish last. This has emotionally killed me, as I have two sons 25 and 30 and she invites them over, and everyone else. So until 6 years ago, I was the family. I made the family dinners, and now, I am alone with my husband, and I love him dearly, but he has never had kids, and this has killed me emotionally. My sisters are cowards for not stating hey why don't we invite your mom. Last I heard they said "they did not have room for wayne and I". Really, her husband died, I put on a nice end of life party as she requested with my funds, and after that, I don't care what I need to talk to her about she will NOT RESPOND WHATSOEVER, which leads me to.. if you are an executor you have to have excellent communication skills whether you want to or not. She is boastful. She will had my other sister a financial statement right in front of my face and not say a word to me. This was when we rant into each other at the ER for my parents. No the stocking was mailed, because they no longer wanted me at Christmas. I know and have heard of so many horrible stories of in laws and family members that are horrible to be with and every year people put up with them. I am about and I am not boasting, I am a caregiver and am told this, the nicest 54 soft spoken woman in the world, and my heart has been crushed, because my father just stood by and took it, NOW he has dementia, and I could claim he signed the documents without being of full mind and body, but I don't have a penny to my name. That is the issue, she is older and has money her husband left her millions. I have none so this is a big game for her. I need to get someone else in there. I have tried to talk to my father and he says, I can't deal with it,. My mother has alzheimer's and yes they call me and my husband and never pay us a dime to do at least three errands a week involving my parents. Yet my sisters always get paid. What do I do.

I am Mom's POA. When my siblings started demanding financial statements I gave them full internet access to all accounts. Still unhappy they-wanted paper statements mailed (just to harrass me because of jealously that I was appointed POA). So I hired an attorney, trust company and conservator to do all the work and WASHED my hands of it. Now they complain its too expensive - but too late - their nasty letters and threats justify all the added expenses! I am now at peace and each time the complain to the attorney its $195.00 per hour! So be it!

As far as I know after speaking to a elder law attorney you can not write checks out to yourself to pay others in cash. Something doesn't sound right with what you are doing. I use checks and my moms debit card so everything is documented on a bank statement. This way there is nothing to hide. You can also write checks out to home health care aids in there name and not yours.

My siblings don't help much or at all in the care of my mother, but so far they have trusted me to handle all of Mom's finances honestly. However, I am aware that either of them might question what is left for the estate after she dies. I keep my own records of all the expenses, other than the cost of home-aides, who are paid in cash. I charge most of Mom's costs : medical supplies, food, refilling the cash on her bus-pass, etc. and I keep the charge-card receipts. When I or the home-aide buy something in cash, we file the receipt. Although I don't have receipts from the home-aides, I installed a small punch-clock that cost about $250, in order to avoid disputes between the aides about who arrived late for their shift. The disputes stopped (or were easily settled by the evidence) and I have kept the procedure of punching in and out. I also have kept all the punch cards - and copies of the letter that I gave each of the aides when they started, specifying their shift times and days, and what they would be paid hourly. The punch cards do not "prove" the actual cost, but they are strong evidence, if my accounting were under a legal challenge.

I have a home computer, so I scan all these documents into a folder on the computer, which I back-up to an external drive about once a week. I keep the paper documents organized in page-protector style envelopes in large 3-hole binders; but large manila envelopes would work just as well.

My mother signed POA, Will, Health Proxy, and DNR forms while she was still in good physical and mental health. The originals are in the possession of her lawyer; my sister and I each have copies, as we are both named as executor or guardian on the forms, either jointly or with me as primary and her as secondary. My brother is one of the beneficiaries of her will, but is not on any of the forms that assign any power; he is excluded from that because my mother felt (and still does) that he is not
emotionally stable enough to be given any of those responsibilities.

My mother's health has declined considerably since the legal documents were signed. She broke both hips and requires a wheelchair to get around, and her dementia is now moderate and visibly growing worse. She has needed 24-hour care for several years. She has enough financial assets to pay for her home care for at least four more years. Because she can pay for full-time home care, I only spend two or three days per week at her home. But I still need respite from the paperwork and supervisory work that I do from my own home, and which I have to remind myself to make time for.

Time for oneself is vital to a caregiver, not just to take care of one's own chores. Time to pamper oneself - to see a movie, visit friends, enjoy a hobby is very important, if only because the lack of it can cause slow but accumulated damage to one's physical and mental health.
A caregiver can take a salary for their work (check with the IRS or a lawyer for specifics); if the parent lives with you, the cost of a home-aide or a babysitter can also legitimately be paid from the parent's assets. Just be sure to get a receipt of some kind from the babysitter.

On whether your unhelpful siblings care: They might be interested only in their potential inheritance. But they might be honestly concerned and may want to know what you are spending to see if you are spending too much on the wrong things or too little to provide as much care as they think is needed. The fact that they don't visit, or not often enough, might be due to the pressure of their other responsibilities, to travel difficulties, or to their emotional limitations. My sister loves our mother but visits less than once a month, in spite of living on the same block as our mother. She finds our mother's condition very upsetting and still has trouble accepting the fact that
Mom cannot be cured, but only made as safe, comfortable and happy as possible.

A friend of mine who loved his mother dearly, did not visit her for several years after she was paralyzed by a stroke, because visiting her sent him into a paralyzing
depression for several days after each visit. Eventually he found a psychiatrist who prescribed an effective mood-stabilizer for him; he began visiting his mother again,
and although he still found the visits painful and saddening, his medication allowed his to feel his sadness, without being disabled by it.

Perhaps your siblings are not strong enough or brave enough to face your parent's decline directly. Even though I speak to my mother every day and spend time with her every two or three days, there are times when I will notice a new symptom or a new decline in her mental functioning and it can come as a shock. The fact that
I know these changes are coming helps me prepare for them emotionally; but it doesn't always work. If I saw her less often, the changes would have accumulated
in my absence and would be much more distressing to observe.
I don't say that this justifies the sibling who aren't helping. But it might be less painful to consider that they might be weak rather than selfish.

19591948kaydeb, family conflicts are so painful. My heart goes out to you.

Only your parent can determine who the POA is. If you suspect fraud or abuse the courts could intervene. Otherwise, your Mom or Dad (which is it?) appointed your sisters as POA and only he or she can change that.

What is your parent's impairment? Where does he/she live? Are you in regular contact with him/her by phone? Do you send cards and letters? Does mailing you your Christmas stocking perhaps indicate your sisters are cleaning out your parent's home? (At least they did not trash it!) Have you always been estranged from your sisters, or is this something recent?

This is very sad. Can you provide a few more details, to get more specific suggestions?

I agree with Jeanne. Whether or not you have to, how can it hurt? And it might help - in fact you might find they suddenly go very quiet indeed when they start comparing actual numbers.

what do you do if both of your sisters are POA, and they exchange information all the time, but do not talk to you at all regarding anything. In fact, they have mailed me back my christmas stocking of 52 years?? What do I do. I feel that an attorney or mediator should be the POA because neither sister will communicate with me in any way shape or form. (unless, they need something like help from me), I am already a caregiver. They could care less truly if I am alive or dead.

my mom was made to sign the doa form while in nursing home with dementia. I know she could not sign her name, but my sister had her sign an x in the presence of notary. She live with me for a year after we lost dad. I live in va. and she is in tenn. right now. I am pretty sure my sister doa is abusing moms money and i have made several visits where i have found that social services has been involved in the health care she is receiving at nursing home. I dont think mom is happy at all. She did so much better here with me and i am the oldest. The reason why she obtained doa is because moms home is in tenn. What i can i do to get mom back home with me. She is depressed and has given up on life where she is. What can i do to get her back with me.

Short and sweet, no Farmer in the Dell, either.
I gave a detailed accounting of the first year and a half of being POA and listed what and where the costs went. Also gave details of my time and a copy of the savings I had accrued. Then I asked for an accounting of 2 siblings input and what was that worth. They don't bother me anymore. Hi ho the derryoh.

So many readers here have problems with their siblings and it is sad because the main concern should be the welfare of our elder parents. I think mainly they are concerned with your Mom's assets.
As others have said, you absolutely need respite care so that you are able to take care of your Mom. How was the decision about where your Mom would live made when she moved out of the house and had the stroke? Did your siblings offer to take Mom then? Looking at it another way, it just might help maintain peace in the family if you did send them the info they ask for, maybe once a quarter, and not monthly, because you really don't have time to send it more often. Or, have them all come to your house, go over the finances with them and then go and relax and have fun somewhere. Just let the know before they come to your house that you need someone to stay with Mom after the finance discussion so you can have a break. But, then they would be alone with Mom and might try to convince her to move. And Remember, your Mom wanted to stay with you. That should win the controversy.
My Sister is POA and takes care of Mom and Dad's financial matters. Years ago, when they were both competent, we set up a trust so the state couldn't take their money for a nursing home. Mom and Dad intended their money go to their kids. My Dad is in a nursing home, the cost is $4400 a month, but Medicare pays. My Mom is in assisted live, the cost is $3400 a month and that comes out of the trust fund. So, there goes the kid's inheritance, BUT, we would rather have both of them in a place where they are well taken care of and safe. . My Mom said she didn't care what where she lived but she did not want the kids to argue.
I hope you can work this out somehow with your siblings, I think the law is on your side. You are doing a wonderful thing and a great job because your Mom is where she wants to be.

I just read the new Durable POA for the state of Alabama where my mother lives. It was amended January 1, 2012. Every state's POA is different. It spells it out clearly that as POA my brother has the obligation to keep receipts and all information on how the money is spent. Now does it say he has to give me a copy of how the money is spent. No. But if I go to an attorney and made my brother account for how he spent my Mother's money, he has a legal obligation to be ethical and not enrich himself.

So, I would assume most states have some similar wording. To protect yourself, keep copies of everything, give your sibling an account of how the money is spent and nip some trouble in the bud. There can be problems if your sibling or siblings want to make it a problem and the money has not been spent wisely. That is one of the problems of being the POA. There are legal obligations to do the best with the parent's money.

My sister has also asked for all of my Mom's financial statements from the time I took over paying the bills. She wanted it all, bank statements, credit card statements, tax returns, just everything. She also wanted a copy of my Mom's will. What my sister didn't know is that my Mom has changed her will, so that my sister inheritance is to be set up in a trust account for her, because my Mom doesn't like my sister boyfriend and my Mom doesn't want the boyfriend to know any thing about her finances. So before I released any information to my sister, I talked to my Mom about it. My Mom said no, do not give her anything and Mom had me write a letter back to my sister stating that she was happy with the way I helping her handle her affairs and that we would not be releasing any of the requested info to her. As for the will my Mom is standing very firm that it is her will and she doesn't have to show it to her if she doesn't want.

I do agree with jeannegibbs, that if your mom doesn't have a problem with releasing the information, what can it hurt. I would just take time to put it together. If you are open with this information, your family may be more open to helping you out in your home. My sister, does nothing the help, she doesn't even call my Mom. I can tell you, I send e-mails at my sister after each major Dr appt to give her up dates on my mom's heath and if there is a problem with her health, I give her that information also. I just do not give her any finacial information. Even with my e-mails, my sister doesn't return e-mails to me, which makes me think, she is only in it for the inheritance, then I really do not know that either. Go Luck with your mom and family.

I'm on the other side of the fence with this one. I see no problem in sending financial information about the cost of upkeep. My parents' finances are as much my siblings business as my own, even though I am the one who is here. The only problem I'm having is exactly what would a financial statement be? Their bank balance? Their credit card statement? We don't keep a ledger here.

Luvmydad and I were typing at the same time. Interesting how close our answers are, isn't it? You need and deserve that respite care! Don't let anyone bully you out of it! You don't OWE your siblings an accounting.

I really hope you can work this out so they wind up contributing to your mother's comfort and that you can have at least a civil relationship. But if worse comes to worst, you can follow Luvmydad's example, and put strict boundaries around your interaction with them.

Sure, they can ASK for financial statements from you. They can ask you to sing all the verses of the Farmer in the Dell. That doesn't mean you have to do it. So a lawyer contacts you ... and?

But here's my question: why not try to work with them and build a team with Mother's interests in mind? Maybe that will never happen, but it would be worth a concerted effort. You know these people; I don't. Is their real concern for Mom, and fear that you might be taking advantage of her? Or might it be fear of loss of inheritence?

Either way, what would be the harm in sending them what they want? You are not taking advantage of your mother; you records would prove that. Why not get it all out in the open? I hope you are including sitters for respite care, so you can get out on your own once in a while. Your sibs could reduce that expense if they chose to provide respite care themselves, but if the choose not to, they can't begrudge you spending money on it. Your problem is burn out? Guard against that! If you have found reliable sitters, take advantage of that for more than errand running. The one-day-a-week is not negotiable. How it is provided you are open about.

If your mom is in her right mind -- legally competent to make decisions -- and she decides to stay where she is, I don't see how they could force her to move, no matter how many lawyer letters they pay to have sent. And if she is incompetent, you have POA, so they still can't insist she move.

If the Sibs think it would be cheaper (I.e., save their inheritence) to provide 24/7 care in Mom's own home, they are nuts.

If Mom were in a Nursing Home, they'd have to visit her if they wanted to see her and help her, whether they were comfortable in nursing homes or not. She's in your home. If they want to help her that is where they have to do it. If it were the Sibs posting here and asking for advice I'd tell them (kindly and politely, I hope) to grow up, get over themselves, and focus on their mother, not on how "comfortable" they want to be. But, alas, they aren't the ones writing in.

So, what can you do? Well, you could reply to them, "Go ahead and pay money for your lawyer letters. I'm not doing anything illegal. Na-na-na-na-NA-na!" But I suggest you save that kind of justifiable venting for here. Among your siblings, try to be the peacemaker, for Mom's sake. Tell them you are so glad they are taking an interest in Mom's care, because it really is much more than you can do alone, and you welcome their input. Tell them that while you are doing your taxes this year you will also pull together some figures about her expenses. Then you'd like to get together with them to go over the finances, so everyone is on the same page. You can discuss at the present rate, how long her money will last, and what will happen if she needs more professional care than can be given at home. How would that be paid for? Then you'd like to discuss some other things besides finances. How she is. How you together as a family can make sure she stays comfortable and happy.

If there is a lot bad feeling in the family now, perhaps having a nuetral outsider conduct the meeting would be helpful -- a social worker, a clergy person, a mediator -- so you all stay focussed on what is best for Mom.

Good luck to you, Rose. Come back and give us updates on how things work out.

I'm having the same issue with my sister. I have cared for my dad for 2 years while he lived in his home. Then he had a stroke & came to live with us last month. If you have the POA, you don't have to provide them with anything. They just want a bigger inheritance, If your mom can afford it, you deserve compensation. My opinion is that they are just blowing smoke & trying to make you miserable. I no longer speak to my sister on the phone. I have forced her to email or text me. That way I have proof of everything. You need to schedule respite care on a weekly basis so you have a break just for you. Go to a movie or have coffee with a friend. I also have Fibromyalgia & lately my pain has been through the roof & I am tired all the time. Stess=pain. I'm fortunate to have a wonderful husband. Take good care of yourself. You are a wonderful daughter & your mom knows it!