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Who paid for the changes to your home? Her or you? And why isn't she closer to you than an hour? Weren't there any assisted living facilities closer? After all, if you were willing to do such major things for a temporary period, you'd think that you'd have wanted her closer to you where you could continue to be involved in her care.
You sound amazingly like somone I know who says all the right things to the relatives who live in other places, but whose idea of helping is demanding that she be given final approval over anything that Mama asks to be gotten with Mama's own money. Once again, if a person doesn't help, they shouldn't whine about where the money goes.
Mayasbop - even when my Mom was with me, it was because we were moving her from her home town and we knew all along that staying with me was temporary until we found a good facility. My home has challenges for her and the longer she was there, the riskier it got and the more risks she would take. I think she liked it here but she has always sworn she'd never want to be a burden :) I think all parents say that.
Does she live with your sister? Does she pay room and board, etc....
Younger sister works for an insurance company and she understood why it was done. So did brother. Older sister nearly drove off in a ditch when our mother told her.
Two years ago, when our mother nearly died, I had a job and medical and a few benefits. Older sister was living across town and when our mother needed someone to sleep over at night for a few weekends while I worked, older sister refused. She left and we haven't heard from her since. In the meantime, I had to give my job up, my medical and maybe even my freedom afterwards because older sister likes to threaten. I stress over needing a pair of five dollar shoes from Family Dollar because I never know what else is coming. I pay the bills with my mother's permission. I do all her shopping, all her cleaning and all her care. In the last week, she nearly died again and had emergency surgery for complications from wire mesh left over from cancer surgery in 1994. I made sure that everyone knew, but did older sister or anyone in her family even call the hospital to see how she was? Nope.
She doesn't have a whole lot of things and she can't spend hundreds of dollars at a time on sister's grown children any longer. Now, oldest grandchild tells me that it wasn't convenient to come across town to see her. Uh huh.
The truth is that before people start talking about money, they'd better doggone well be helping. I've watched pennies to pay off old credit card debt of hers. And my health is suffering for all the stress. I think people who are so concerned about finances need to have put in more than six weeks of caregiving before they start accusing anyone who does do the work of anything nefarious. I've done my mother's caregiving for seventeen years and I don't spend a dime on me unless it's absolutely necessary, but I'm the one who has to deal with every bit of the day to day that her other three kids get to ignore.
So, the way I feel is that no one should have the right to come in behind me and question ANYTHING, especially the ones who refuse to even communicate with their mother or grandmother, much less actually help. And I do mean no one.
I have siblings that accuse, yet do NOTHING to help, No bully intended, just find ways to help - not hurt the one who gives up everything in order to help the parent. I do not know 'their' situation, previous convictions of drug use, gambling, etc etc, yes, be leary. But help, not hurt by the accusations.. DO All You Can to HELP. They will NOT be around forever - and when they are gone, you will be able to rest your head down, and know in your heart you did the right thing. Help their last days on earth be sweet and comfortable. And I am sorry it came across harsh, did not mean to.
I would love to be put on my Mom's accounts as a measure of oversight, because if there is nothing to hide then why can't we see? Again, my opinion doesn't matter and my sister who is POA doesn't give a fig what I think. She accuses ME of being 'in it' for the money when I have absolutely NO access to anything. How ironic is that?
I guess the only reason I posted so much of my story was because I have been doing so much for so long and it isn't until things worsen for a loved one that some start worrying about the money. I feel that all siblings should be involved in their parents care and not leave that to one person. I just hate to see families out there that are so distrustful of one another, but it does happen. Its just sad to say that I am not a distrustful person at all, but have been treated as such. It sounds like you don't have much of a leg to stand on at this point.
The main thing is your moms care, that is #1. If your parent has no money left, the good thing is they can go on State assistance and in that instance can qualify for a lot more help. . So therefore you don't need to worry about your mom, because she will be taken care of no matter what. Your issue is with your sister and how much she got. Unfortunately it just sounds like many stories I have read where siblings go off being seperated in life over a stupid money issue. Some people never get nothing but a few trinkets to remember their parents. I hope that if anybody is in the beginning of a parents declining health, that they need to get their ducks in order before things happen. We only live this life one time and it is sad to see so many families broken over money issues. We come into this life with nothing and we go out of it with nothing. The most important thing I feel is family and with out them, money means nothing. So have you thought of building a better relationship with your sister and leave the money issue behind? Maybe if that relationship was better with her, she would share more information with you.
I have a good relationship with my sister, but I see how powerful she acts now that she is in control of the money. I got a $15k early inheritance in 2008 when I was having financial problems. I paid off my car and a few credit cards but I am still struggling now that I am unemployed. I have been doing everything and I hear constantly how they want this money in writing in the Will, so they can deduct it from any inheritance in the end. I feel that no body has worried about me being compensated for losing my job when mom got sick. Nobody has worried about taking care of me and many days I go with out food in my house right now. I only qualify for $16.00 a month for food. This is going to come out in the end. I love my brother and sister very much and want nothing more than to have a close family life, but I can understand the seperation issues when it comes to money.
So NoVoice - If you're really concerned about your Mother, then go see her and get involved in the day to day. Even if you live further away, there is a way to help, if even emotionally.
luv to all.
-SS
right now there is nothing that says my sister is doing anything wrong, but she is the only person who knows what is going on in the accounts, and she is not sharing detailed information (full bank statements). She only gives the balance amounts, doesn't say what has been paid, just 'about' numbers. If there is NOTHING to hide, then why isn't she sharing bank statements?
In Mom's POA, Mom WAIVED the requirement that the POA file legal reports. So our sister doesn't have to report how she handles Mom's accounts to ANYONE.
Things have come to light over the last few months of Mom's moving when we could all see Moms accounts (and old account registers too), and there have been sums of monies she's given to our sister, sometimes big sums. If my sister is joint on the account then everything will go to her (no probate) on Mom's death as Mom has NOTHING ELSE but her bank accounts. All she has otherwise is personal belongings (clothing mostly).
The only way I can think of finding out my sisters status on the accounts is to ask my mother when I'm there one day to call the bank and ask. Just don't know if it's worth the trouble. My mother would NOT know, and does NOT know. She has beginning dementia and doesn't remember much well. She knows family, but short term memory is very bad.
I found this on the internet:
Disinheriting other beneficiaries - If the original owner adds one child to an account but has other children they want to inherit the account, then by adding one and not all of the children's names the owner will have effectively disinherited all of the other children. And even if the surviving joint owner agrees to give the other children their fair share of the account, care must be taken to avoid any gift tax consequences.