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To answer your last question, Churchmouse, the reason I think my sister is planning to keep all of the inheritance for herself...I don't know where to start, but suffice it to say that my brother and I will be very surprised if she doesn't. I don't want to write a book here, but just like I wouldn't assume to know more about your siblings than you do, and I wouldn't expect that you would know more about mine than I do. The fact that she is being so secretive and controlling of our mother's finances is just one red flag that has been raised. Another red flag: after my dad died my mom and sister asked me to sign up to be limited agent on my mom's Vanguard fund account which was held in a trust, so I could keep an eye on it. It had funds of about $600k at the time. Then my sister set it up to have her joint account with our mom as the account attached to the investment account - so any redemption of shares would funnel in to their joint account. This would be a slippery way to funnel all the funds out of the Trust and into my mom and sister's joint account, making the funds 100% my sister's and my mom's property. Once my mom died the funds would be 100% belonging to my sister. So I would be the one making the transfers at my sister's request - into her joint account with our mom. If I ever accused her of pilfering all the funds from the Trust, she would be able to point the finger at me, as I would be the one that initiated the transactions. Then when I caught on to that scheme and revoked my limited agent designation, they together visited an attorney and had the Trust dissolved, and none of the other siblings know anything more about her financial matters beyond that point. My brother and I are pretty sure my sister got half of a $275k insurance settlement that my mom got. My mom slipped and told me she got $275k forgetting that she had told me and my brother previously that she had only gotten $130k. Soon after my sister got a new kitchen remodel...she makes very little money at her job. The two of them are devious liars, so who knows what the truth is? Those are just some of the clues I have about what my sister has in mind. You sound like you have not dealt with a sociopath - it is a whole different ballgame!!
In the United States, an annuity is a contractually executed, relatively low-risk investment product, where the insured (usually, an individual) pays a life insurance company a lump-sum premium at the start of the contract. That money is to be paid back to the insured in fixed, incremental amounts, over some future period (predetermined by the insured). The insurer invests the premium; the resulting profit/return on investment funds the payments received by the insured and compensate the insurer. Conventional annuity contracts provide a predictable, guaranteed stream of future income (e.g., for retirement) until the death(s) of the beneficiaries(s) named in the contract, or, until a future termination date — whichever occurs first.
So if your sister arranged for the purchase of two annuities for your mother, and they were indeed annuities, she will have done so to provide a guaranteed income for your mother over whatever term the annuities were for. Often, annuities are planned to continue up until the death of the insured person. If your sister wanted to steal your mother's money an annuity is not the way to do it, because the premium invested remains with the insurance company and the fixed income from it goes to the insured - that is, your mother.
With respect, you don't have any right to know what is being done with your mother's money unless your mother has specified in an instrument granting power of attorney that you must be kept informed.
You are entirely wrong to imagine that I don't know what it is like to be excluded from financial management of a parent's affairs. While I was my mother's primary caregiver, she had already drawn up DPOA for finances for my brother and sister jointly. It was a massive pain in the arse, it meant that the people in control of the money had no real understanding of my mother's day to day needs, and it made an already strained relationship with my sister worse.
But it did not lead me to suppose that my siblings were out to take all the money for themselves and leave me penniless. What reason other than evident dislike of her do you have to think your sister is planning to do that to you?
Churchmouse, I can tell from your questions to Dibbles and Sadson that you can't relate to the situation we are in with being excluded from the financial matters of our parent(s). Just asking a question about a will, trust, bank account, etc. can set off a whole $hitstorm because the one in control is so defensive and protective of their future pot o' gold that they are hoping to have all to themselves. My sister will use the inquiry to remind our mom that we are "greedy and asking about her money", "can't wait for her to die", and whatever other nasty spin she can put on it. There is no good way to approach it, as I have tried but failed over the past few years. I have offered to take responsibility for our mom's financial matters, pay her bills, monitor her accounts, etc. But it never goes farther than talk with my mom, and my sister slams on the brakes as soon as she hears of it. I hate to let her win, but it appears the deck is stacked in her favor.
Separate out, in any case, things that have to do with the future division of your mother's estate - the 70:30 split; and things that have to do with your sister's acting on your mother behalf as her Financial POA and her medical proxy.
You say that moneys from the sale of the family business was invested and that the investment is due to mature later this year. You are relying on returns from that investment to provide you with a pension. Is there any reason why you cannot ask your sister if this plan is still on track?
At the moment what you seem to be wanting to do is prove a negative, that you haven't done anything, which is notoriously difficult to do. The only solution, really, is to get to the bottom of your sister's suspicions - what does she think you have spent, why does she think that - and rebut them. And to do that, you'll need to speak to your sister. Are you certain, for example, that your mother hasn't told your sister something along the lines of 'goodness me, how did that happen, your brother must have done it…'? - and that it's not actually your sister who's being misled?
If your sibling is a narcissistic screw up who can't do anything right, who isn't "stable" as you put it, what does it say the "stable ones" who leave their beloved parents' care up to such a person? It seems to me that the real problem here is that the parents' money is being used to care for the parents and to provide the essentials for the sibling who, contrary to what you said, truly is the responsible and caring one.
After all, if the sibling really was a danger to the parents, the other siblings would have helped or taken the job over themselves if they truly did love their parents, wouldn't they? They wouldn't want their parents in danger, would they? And yet, they've been content to leave the responsibility of their parents all on the shoulders of someone they trash, haven't they?
Uh huh.... It seems to me that some siblings think that they can get away with doing nothing except criticizing, but it just doesn't work that way.
The sibling who actually is there, who does the work and who gets their hands dirty, isn't undermining anyone or anything because they're too doggone busy handling and doing what ALL of the siblings should be helping with. They're not the screwups in the family. On the contrary, they're the ones who are the dependable ones. It's the ones who can't be bothered to do anything except demand that their sibling be accountable to them that have the emotional and mental issues that keep them from being there for their parents.
This is a difficult situation, and unfortunately, having an attorney’s advice and representation is critical. You should involve the local police department or sheriffs department where your mom lives if: You are sure your sister’s actions are fraudulent or unlawful, you are sure your mother agrees, and you are convinced there is no other way to resolve things. See if they have an elder abuse or elder crimes division and contact them. Have specifics and concrete evidence if possible- such as if your sister went directly against wishes expressed by your mom, or if things she purchased with your mom’s money are obviously for her own purposes.
This is a difficult situation, and unfortunately, having an attorney’s advice and representation is critical. You should involve the local police department or sheriffs department where your mom lives if: You are sure your sister’s actions are fraudulent or unlawful, you are sure your mother agrees, and you are convinced there is no other way to resolve things. See if they have an elder abuse or elder crimes division and contact them. Have specifics and concrete evidence if possible- such as if your sister went directly against wishes expressed by your mom, or if things she purchased with your mom’s money are obviously for her own purposes.
You are so right. Unfortunately most people are people. You seem to have a good heart and put your mother's needs first. Too many people do not. Some caregivers are like your family and position themselves to take advantage. Think if your siblings and niece/nephews were the caregivers, not you, and though they may be there for your mom, they also help themselves to your mom's money, that wouldn't be a good situation for anyone. Not all caregivers are like you. People unfortunately will justify in their heads the most egregious behavior. Your mom is lucky to have you but in too many family situations, if the parent knew what their children were doing, it would be the ultimate disappointment.
I have a sibling who is an LPN who thinks that she should only have to issue orders to me and not do a doggone thing when it comes to actually caring for our mother. After all, she's an LPN. Uh huh. And she pitched a fit and left when she was reminded of the fact that Mama was her mother too and that she wasn't exempt from doing the work since she wanted the authority. That was two and a half years ago. She hasn't been seen or heard from since.
You know, someone can visit, but unless they're around to actually do the work for longer than a few days, they're not really anything more than a visitor, are they? They don't live there, nor do they want to, because if they did, they'd have already done something about lessening the distance between them and their elder. What siblings who aren't around and available don't seem to get is that sometimes decisions need to be made quickly, instead of playing phone tag for hours while the elder waits and waits and waits for siblings to be found and a consensus formed as to what to do. Here's a clue --- elders don't have the time or energy to do that.
And as far as POA goes, meaning both medical and durable, the one who is actually there is the one who should have it, period. They should have it because the responsibility is literally on their shoulders, not on the ones who live far away. And yes, if you want the power, you need to do more than pick and choose when you'll make yourself available to actually help. Your brother shouldn't even have to ask if you will help. You should already be planning when you'll go and do your share, because unless you're doing that, you're simply hacked off at not having the legal authority. You can't demand to have that you have that power, but stay at a distance. It just doesn't work that way.
You know, the ones who choose to live away from their elders need to stop and think about their own choices and how they've affected the situation with their elder before they blame either their elder or their caregiver sibling. And they should thank God for the one who HAS stepped up to the plate and taken it all on and stop griping about whose name is on the paperwork, especially if they continue to choose to live away from their elder.
My own siblings don't see how easily our parent gives out of breath, nor are they at the ER in the middle of the night. They aren't the ones dealing with wet to dry dressings on an open incision, nor do they have to deal with the stench from an infection. They're nowhere around to do anything that would actually help, so why in the world would our parent give them authority to do anything when they don't even care enough to come when she's alive and could enjoy even a small visit? Shoot, since they all have real lives according to them, my mother could die waiting for them to return a phone call if she had to depend on them to make decisions. Their OWN actions have dictated the decisions that have been made, not our mother's or mine. It would have been lovely if they'd helped, but they didn't.
As far as sharing information goes, my own siblings really don't want to know the details about anything except what they'll get when she dies. I've tried many times to tell them, only to have them scream at me for daring to interrupt whatever they were doing at that moment. And since they didn't seem to get the gravity of the last hospitalization and the open incision (9"long, 3"wide, 4"deep) that she came home with, I took pictures of that very incision and e-mailed the pictures to those very same siblings.
I timed the e-mail to hit right after lunch. I figured that maybe if they tossed their lunch as I've done dealing with an open and infected incision, maybe they'd get a real clue as to how close we came to losing her and make an effort. They've called to hit our mother up for money several times since, but they never want to talk either to or about what is going on with her. One can only conclude that they just are selfish pigs who aren't interested in anyone but themselves.
Really, is that how this thing works? One has complete control and dictates to the other what she will or will not do? Doesn't sound like a recipe for harmony.
I agree concernedtoo, that things should be open, feelings considered and siblings included. It would go a long way in making everyone feel respected and being more open to helping with the situation.
If sibling would help siblings and share information, alot of work for the lawyers would disappear. But that is just not going to happen from what I see.
My own mother gets one hundred percent of her needs and ninety-nine percent of her wants regardless of whether there is anything left for anyone else to inherit. She earned her pensions and she has the right to use them for her own needs. She doesn't owe any of her children, including myself, a doggone penny.
Just so you know....
And the issue is not that my siblings have taken advantage of me. I've already offered to sign an affidavit signing away any right to any part of my mother's estate just to shut the mouths of those who think that their inheritance is being taken from them. It's the fact that their mother means so little to them, but her possessions are already theirs in their eyes that bothers me so much. She's very much alive and she's fully able to make her own decisions. It's not her brain, it's her body that gives her fits.
Imagine how she feels when the only time any of them seem to know her phone number is when they want something. It's not just her own children, but her grandchildren as well. Funny how when she was working and spending freely on them, they came and fawned over her. And then, when her health failed and she didn't have that income level any longer, they all ran.
Guess who got the responsibility of straightening it all out? Yours truly did and it took years to do it. Not a dime came from anyone to help, either. And when I moved us to be closer to my dad's family so that she would have more than just me, we found out that I must have done something right by taking over the bill paying. We didn't have ANY deposits required for anything because her credit is excellent now. It was a nice surprise.
I am so sorry that you are being taken advantage of by your siblings. It is so painful when you finally come to recognize that "family" is not what you thought and maybe that's really a naive concept anyway.
One can hope for karma or pursue legal action and hope they land in jail for those who decide outright theft is somehow justifiable. In your situation though, what recourse do you have; maybe only the satisfaction that you helped another human being make it through one of the most difficult stages of life, and not just anotherr human being, but a mother whom you love dearly.
I wish all the best for you and hope that somehow you will be blessed for your honorable deeds and loving care you've given your mom.
I'm not the oldest, I'm the exact middle. And I have loved my mother enough to do what needs to be done. I've done it knowing that it would cost me my own future. I've done without what I needed, I lost my job because she could no longer be left alone, I lost any health care I had at an age when having it can make or break how long I'll actually draw a breath on this earth and I can't imagine ever being able to retire.
Because I love my mother, I've stuck it out with her through more than I can say for nearly two decades while my siblings and their children went on their merry ways. It's always pointed out to me that they all have lives and I don't, so it's all on me. You know, maybe I'd have had more in my life if they'd have done their fair share, but pigs are more likely to begin to fly than that ever happening now.
I'm sorry, but the thought of someone who does nothing to help with the day to day and considers a phone call to be a big deal just hacks me off. Of course, you won't be able to stop them from backing up a truck to carry her belongings off.
Funny how that works. They don't have even one spare moment even once a month to even send an e-mail, but they'll make time to take what they consider to be rightfully theirs. That four hundred mile trip won't be such a huge imposition when they're coming to get her antiques and her china.
Personally, I think that unless you're willing to shoulder some of the actual responsibility or you're willing to hire someone on your own dime to help the one who is doing the caregiving of your elder keep building their own future, you've lost any moral high ground you might have had to demand accountability from anyone. I personally stress over buying a ten dollar pair of shoes, because I never know what else is coming that my mother needs, even when I'm to the point of literally wearing the soles through the ones I have. The vast majority of caregivers aren't getting rich off their elders. No, they're stressing over even pennies to keep their elders going and giving their elder everything that they have to give, even if it costs them everything, including their health and future, to do it.
I know because I make that decision when my own health seems to be failing. I know I need to go to the doctor myself, but finances don't allow it and even if they did, the ones who always keep themselves at a distance wouldn't allow it either.