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This is a very tough situation, but you seem to have siblings who can back you so in some way, if you can gather strength from each other, maybe you can approach your mother together.
If you are asked to contribute to your Mom's finances, you should be getting an accounting of why the money is needed and how it's used. Your sister shouldn't balk at that and you can feel free to hold back money until she gives you an accounting.
From an outside view, your sister seems to be skewing everything in her direction and using your mom. If you think your mom is in a dangerous situation (not enough help) you could ask Social Services to do a welfare check. You could, also, of course, ask for help from an elder law attorney. However, be prepared for
a permanent family split if you do.
My heart is with you,
Carol
Who has these tools, if no one you may want to seek out a lawyer.
For me, I have the opposite problem, I have siblings that are in denial or don't understand what Alzheimer's. My siblings accuse me of lots of things, because they can't admit the truth about their own behavior.
I hold the medical POA, I pay the bills and cover anything of mom's after her paycheck pays the bills afford out of my pocket. So I have a different situation, but you need to know who has the POA's and then seek out an attorney that specializes in eldercare to learn your rights.
I am seeking an attorney now to protect me from siblings who's true colors are now showing.
If she is burning things and living alone this is a dangerous situation which needs to be addressed immediately. You and your siblings need to see your Mom and spend time with her...just go, dont ask if you can come. If you find the situation isnt safe or she is not getting the care she needs then you can intervene. I would also seek out an eldercare attorney for your legal rights and for who is the medical and financial POA.
2) - 2nd red flag...your sister is manipulating her and you and your siblings - time to have your county/city elder abuse office make a surprise visit; I mean surprise, because if they call to make the appointment, things will not be in the "natural" state; I know this from first hand experience and then I was labeled a troublemaker. My Dad was abused physically and financially by my brother.
3) Every sibling has a different relationship with a parent each unique in his/her own right and the dynamics can be either positive or negative. Go visit your Mom, keep the conversation on the basis of your relationship with her, not what your sister has told her. Other siblings should do the same - or better yet - all go together on a regular basis to keep an eye on things. 3rd red flag...One controlling sibling can do so much damage to a family it is unbelievable!
4) be sure you have a social services agency and staff you can trust and depend on. They are not all equal in education, honesty, and services.
5) get her to her doctor and inform all siblings via email or better yet, get them to go with you to hear what the doctor says; if she in Stage 5, she must be on some kind of medication? There are other conditions that mimic Alz. - has she been tested? complete blood work panel? neurological tests?
6) A health care POA and durable POA should be in charge, be honest and up front with all family members to what is going on. 4th red flag...Whoever is spending her money needs to be held accountable how/what is spent for her; and those who are contributing to her care are legally privy to an accounting.
There you have it - I've been down this road; nothing is sacred and family members you thought you knew and trusted, can turn against you - don't let that happen to you. Good news tho' - we sisters have reconciled - because I wanted to be part of the solution, not part of the problem. God bless all you caregivers out there and keep the faith - without it life is tougher.
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