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I personally would be happy a bank cares enough or has enough cyber security technology to investigate unusual transactions. I would explain that to your MIL too.
Dearest MIL, there is a lot of fraudsters these days (hasn't there always?) I am VERY happy the bank is making sure you are OK.
PS. How I WISH my LO's bank took notice & asked questions!
May have stopped the fraud 😭
PPS I'd stay with that bank.
Is she aware of that, and competent?
Are you aware of that?
Thank goodness this bank is picking up on what are very serious problems here. Your mother-in-law looks to be moving in a direction that will leave her destitute and in need, and she will not be able to access help. I am very worried for her as she seems to not understand this. I would suggest that you attend a session with an elder law attorney to find options for how your mother-in-laws funds can be protected, and that you all speak together with someone who understands financial matters, aging and finances, and etc.
Your MIL's bank is alarmed, and well they SHOULD BE.
https://www.aba.com/-/media/documents/infographics/aba-fbi-elder-exploitation-infographic.pdf?rev=46064d5eb9984bfc895fda72642cc767
Now, I see why your mom thought they should have asked her directly. But they may not have felt they could separate her from her companion to ask, or it might not be bank policy. The bank is 100% trying to help her here---so perhaps she could consider asking to meet with them and explain to them why their actions were distressing, so they can improve their response.
I also can see why she feels insulted a bit. I can see why you are alarmed and mistrusted. (Having an APS visit is more intrusive than the "fraud alert" texts I get from VISA if I make a big purchase). But look at what happened--she showed up twice, with different people accompanying her, to have cashier's checks made out one of which was to the companion. Of course this can be legitimate. But of course it raised red flags. I could go into the bank and buy gold bars, and go into CVS and buy 10,000 of gifts card legitimately---but those are both much more likely to be fraud-associated than regular bank transactions are.
Look at these stories:
https://www.wisn.com/article/waukesha-woman-scammed-hundreds-thousands-cashiers-checks-gold-bars/46556998
https://www.nytimes.com/2024/07/29/business/retirement-savings-scams.html
Another site encourages banks to "report all cases of suspected elder fraud to appropriate authorities". https://www.vedderprice.com/bank-responsibility-for-elder-financial-exploitation
Of course increased awareness is going to lead to some "false alarms" and some awkwardness. But (especially as some of the reporting is governed by state law) would another bank be different? And would you, or she, want it to be? Again, consider "feeding this back" to the bank instead of pulling out from them, if you are interested in investing the time.
Tell her that if she wants to "gift" money to keep it under the Medicaid threshold (NYS - anything over $2,000 will need a receipt and copy of check for Medicaid to determine if allowable or non allowable expense) to not raise red flags.
When my dad became paralysed while living abroad, the bank stopped his card because they became aware that his friend was using it. Fact is, he was using it to pay my dad's bills. As his daughter, I was able to set up something with his bank where I could pay his bills through the bank, as long as I provided evidence. It was very inconvenient, especially with a 7 hour time difference. Plus, the friend thought I'd reported him and was accusing him of doing something wrong. It made life very difficult.
Yet I know, each time, the bank was just protecting the account holder.
I can understand how it might feel that your MiL is being treated as incapable, or you're being treated as if you are taking advantage, but I think you need to let those feelings go and be thankful that the bank is being diligent.
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