By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
If you take a selfie and one of the nurses presents the picture to her, how does she react to the picture?
Does she recognize you? Could you be someone else like a fellow church member or a dear old, old friend? When you say she refused to see you, how is the person who is asking her, identifying you? Are they calling you, her daughter? If so, change the relationship to "friend"? or does she recognize you by face? if she recognizes your face, then say "that is nice", or "what a coincidence". I find that my mother is unable to process relationships anymore.
If you don't want to visit, don't visit. However, if you feel compelled to see her, find out how they are asking her for permission and change the "introduction" to be someone else. If you are visiting only once a month, chances are she doesn't remember you from visit to visit. On the other hand, I cannot accurately predict what my mother will remember and what she won't.
Either way, stay on top of her care to ensure she is properly cared for.
My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I wouldn’t visit if it is upsetting to her. I would ask the staff how she is doing.
If I wanted to see how she is for myself, I would stay out of sight and look at her from a distance.
This is so tough. I would wonder if she has forgotten that she had a daughter permanently or if one day that she will remember.
Has the staff spoken to her about you? If so, what does she say?
I hope this will be the case with your mom.
Perhaps in time, this phase will pass over and mom will see you for the loving child you truly ARE. My mother died of dementia too, and said some of THE most foul things to me as she progressed. Things no child should ever hear come out of a mother's mouth. We all lose with AD/dementia; you lose, I lose, our mom's lose, it's a terrible disease that wreaks havoc & destroys everything in its path. It's easy for me to say 'oh let all that hateful vitriol she shows you roll off your back' but in reality, it cuts to the bone. I often wondered if mom's TRUE feelings were finally coming out towards me once her dementia removed that mask she wore her whole life.
I'm sorry you're going through such a gruesome experience. You have my compassion and empathy, for sure. Wishing you the best of luck 'visiting' your mom w/o her knowledge. At least that will save you *hopefully* from being thrust into a state of sadness and depression that lasts for days. Maybe just a good cry after you leave? That's what I did.
If she is doing well and if seeing you upsets her this might be as good as it gets for you at this point. Keep in mind that phases and "quirks" or obsessions can wane as the person declines so this may pass.
If I went to see her, she always and I mean, ALWAYS would ask if I have seen or talked to the 3 sibs who were on the periphery but not really in the 'mix' It hurt to know that she cared so much more for a visit from them than from me.
When she would get really foggy and forgetful, I would usually cut my visits short and cry on the way home. There was literally nothing else to do. My sibs all wondered why I cared so much, and I think that it was due to the fact I was kind of starved for affection, the kind only a mom would have. I didn't get that from her. Ever.
She passed in late August and it's been, what 5 months? I don't feel so raw, but I also don't feel complete. I know it will take a long time.
Oh, how I hope and pray God takes me before I forget who I am.
One thing I have always done and will always do is to never part on bad terms with any of my kids. It's a super challenge, b/c sometimes I really DON'T feel a lot of love for them--but of course I DO adore them to pieces. Mom never did that. You were always only as good at your last 'at bat' and we were like oil and water.
I know peace is possible and I strive for that.
And I agree: Dementia is from Satan himself.
Interesting and horrific fact about dementia the demented person can sometimes relive traumatic memories from the past so she may be reliving an incident from her past and you represent whatever this thing is in her mind and when she sees you it triggers this memory from something that could have happened when she was a child. Not necessarily to her but someone she knew or knew of.
I think you may like to visit her facility if you are her only child and her POA. That you would like to see her care. But I would avoid her directly.
You must remember that with Alzheimer's things change on a regular basis, so though she may be this way now, in time that will change and she may welcome your visit.
And even if she doesn't remember who you are she will hopefully come to the point of knowing that you are at least someone who loves her and cares about her.
Dementia sucks, no ifs ands or buts, BUT our loved ones still deserve to know that they are loved.
So I would hang tight as this too shall pass. Here's to hoping the next phase will be easier for you to deal with.