My 86 yo mom is on hospice as she is in decline after suffering greatly over the summer and into the fall undergoing cancer treatments (third since 2018) that were literally killing her. Hospice was recommended because there came a point when more treatments just meant more suffering, and faster decline, and since she was obviously not going to get stronger undergoing the treatments, we may as well just go cold turkey on in-town doctor visits and call in hospice for comfort care and see how it goes. One sister lives on the property and is the defacto caregiver/POA. Our 88 yo dad probably imagines we've "got this" so he'll make breakfast and do laundry, but generally doesn't get involved in the day to day actual mom-care. My sisters think he needs to be more involved. I'm not sure he's capable. He is in pretty good health for his age, but he's slowing down. He is semi retired in his work, so stays busy doing what he's always done. There are four older siblings, aged 59-63, who are involved in some way in mom's care. The resident sister manages the bulk of it, but me and our baby sister come when we can, as does our oldest brother. The youngest two brothers are too busy with young children or other pursuits. I am four+ hours away, the other sister is 12 hours away. The oldest brother is 18 hours away. All the older siblings are willing to help where they can, but I'm concerned that the resident sister will feel taken for granted and that the rest of us aren't helping as much as we should. We also are terrible communicators about important topics, lol. I would like to hear from folks who have successfully navigated such a situation in such a way that everyone felt like they were giving what they could and no one family member felt overburdened. Maybe that's a tough one? I am also struggling with the notion that I'm being selfish to hang on to my job since my husband and I have always managed on one income, and I only got the job to get myself out of the house when my husband had to start working from home over covid, but I also like the job and it's been good for me. I should also mention mom's care involves mobility issues, so we do nearly everything for her.
You, there is family leave. See if caring for Mom is part of it. You can do it in increments. May need to take vacation time first. This would give your sister a break. Maybe you can order in dinner. Ask Dad what he would like, order it and have it delivered. One thing Sis does not need to do. If ur parents can afford it, get someone in. Or maybe u can all pool your money and hire someone.
*my Dad was waited on hand and foot by Mom. He retired at 52 with heart problems and she cared for him till he passed at age of 79. He was not easy to live with. And if the tables were turned, he would have expected me to care for Mom. If your Dad can work, he can do more than breakfast and laundry. (I am surprised he does laundry) He should be getting lunch. He can order out. Some of these dinners are enough for two. My DH and I share all the time. If Mom is not bedbound he can help her dress. He can keep the house clean. He can hire someone to do it.
Getting Dad to take on more at 88 is off the table. That's a no go and not worth discussion unless you want to deal with his injury or death now as well. He is losing his spouse, very aged, and fact he is helping at all/capable of it is somewhat a miracle on it's own.
You are blessed with cooperating sisters involved in what you know is end stage care for your Mom. Keep her out of pain and comfortable even if this may hasten her death. Work together as you have been. But allow yourselves a meal out and a discussion as to what each of you is doing/can do through this.
We can't really know the fine details. Your sisters are going to give you MUCH BETTER info on the job situation. It may be time to investigate the laws around the Family Leave Act now and speak to your employer.
I am so sorry for all you are going through, and your dear Mom, but she is lucky in having you realistic gals, access to hospice, your support, and a loving hubby. You should be real proud of yourselves, for certain. I wish you well and hope you'll update us.
The next step may be to talk to ‘resident sister’ and ask her how she feels about it. Does she feel that it’s unfair? Does she think she should be compensated more financially – and if so when, how, and how much? Is she relying on that happening - because the resentment if it doesn't happen can do a lot of damage to family relationships.
Perhaps a third step might be for you and ‘resident sister’ to talk about what is likely to happen to Dad when M dies. The plan for M needs to be expanded to being a plan for both.
At the moment, talking about this with all the siblings is difficult because you have so few facts to talk about. Quitting your job doesn’t solve the real problem. Forget that one! Once you and ‘resident sister’ have a better idea between you, you are in a much better position to get all the family members past being “terrible communicators about important topics”.
This whole situation is untenable because you (plural) have to travel so far to get to your parents. Of course the resident sister is overburdened, who wouldn’t be? If you can possibly hire outside help for her, please do so. Expecting dad at age 88 to help is a bit much.
They really should have 24/7 care by professionals.