I am at the end of my road with caregiving. Should I have my mom placed in assisted living?

Rutrow, I just want to say, that sometimes I feel so bad about the situation I am in and have posted much of my story here and there on some of these post. Reading more of others stories, helps me to not feel alone and is the main reason I have joined this site. I have never heard of getting Doctor recommendations to get POA over your dad. I don't know which state your in, but I am in Michigan. Usually if your parent has ever had a trip to the hospital or a hospital stay for any reason, they will ask if there is a Power of Medical. They always want somebody in charge in case your parent can't make decisions for themselves. Somebody has to be the POA also to handle the financial things. This doesn't take doctors to become that here. ITs just the talking amoungst yourselves to make that decision, and then seeing a lawyer and have a paper make up for it. Please don't quit your job and have your dad move in with you., you will be sorry. I lost my job over losing too much time when my mom was sick. She gets angry whenever I say that is why. But it is the truth. I have to speak up for myself, when I continualy hear her telling others that I lost it because I fought with my boss too much. Then I tell her, why do you think I was having so much trouble at work? It was because I was so busy taking time off for her, that I was barely there to do my job abnd I was going into work tired , and grumpy everyday. Wrong for me to talk about, but sometimes you feel like your going to explode. Please research help centers. You need to tell your brother that this needs to be done.
I just got hired for a new job, starting next week after being unemployed for 2 years now. I am still worried about mom because we have her lined up for assisted living, but she doesn't want to go. My neice is there now to be with her so she is not alone. But this is only temporary. My mom is very angry right now about this and I am not a good caregiver anymore because I am so burned out. YOu will get that way also in a matter of time, and it sounds like you are already having lots of problems. So my suggestion is to call for help. Local Health Department and always talk to your Doctors office, they are always helpful....please know that you can resolve this with help, just seek it out. Make phone calls. I hate to read on here from other people when they say that they feel they owe it to their parents for raising them. The is a big difference between children and older sick people. Children learn to go to the bathroom on their own, bath themselves, and all the other things we teach them to be independent. Elder people only get worse as time goes on. We cannot as human beings provide that care around the clock with out help. Believe me, I am feeling way guilty at times still right now and my mom makes me feel guilty everyday. I now know that I can't do this anymore and I have sacraficed so much of myself that all I have become is angry and not a good caregiver. So I hope you figure this out soon. I have older siblings too, but they both live and hr and a half away. One is sick all the time with his multiple problems, and my sister is dealing with her own husband who has had 4 strokes and now in a NH, and she has COPD. So believe me, there has to be choices made before you go under yourself. .

Dad has Parkinson's & dementia. My brother has been living in their home rent free for the past 5 years, gets himself a new car every 2 years, buys guns & take off for hunting & sailing regularly. My mom passed away 2 months ago & was the primary caregiver of dad before her illness. I took care of all of mom's Dr appointments & took her grocery shopping for her last year & I almost lost my job for time missed. My brother & I both work full time, I live in a home with my husband about 30 minutes away from dad, the opposite direction from my work (50 minutes drive from work). I pay for home care visits that come in twice a week for their house cleaning & my dad's laundry. My brother & I rotate doctor appointments to minimize time off work and. I visit my dad 1 weekend day for a few hours every other week. I barley keep up with cleaning, cooking & laundry at my house due to my own back problems. My brother is trying to guilt me into coming over more saying that Dad can't take care of himself & fell today and didn't recognise him, I told him I think it is time to sell the house & bring Dad into AL, otherwise he will have a fall & end up in a nursing home or worse. Any suggestions I try to make to my brother, he gets aggressive with me & says I am a terrible daughter. I think he is bullying me because he doesn't want to give up his free accomodations. I am giving everything I have, at the expense of my relationships (My grown boys live an hour away & I rarely get to visit them - they don't drive & live in an apartment surviving on food stamps). My parents have a quit claim deed & everything split 3 ways. I would need 2 doctor's recommendations to get POA over my dad, but my brother will fight this. I'm at a loss of the right direction. Lawyer, State, Quit my job & move dad in with me?

ya but my mom has alzheimers and cant talk when she wakes up shes in great mood until she stands up realizes her bodies old and then tries to talk- staggers to the couch and lays down and pretends shes asleep and then falls asleep-wont eat if we r around and watches tv but if i walk in she closes eyes and pretends to be asleep...so i dont want her to be in a place where she is expected to socialize cuz she cant and she will fall and break something- she cant have somone there all the time like i can

Hi Kellyb,
I understand your feelings. I cared for my granny for a long time. She passed away in the comfort of her own home on New Year's Day of this year. I can tell you that It was very challenging and difficult with a full time job, husband, and kids. However, I did my very best with GOD's guidance to care for her. If you have done all that, you can do and feel that you no longer can provide 100% care to your mom then it is time to have someone else to care for her. Please don't think you are giving up on her, but sometimes, the best way to care for a senior loved one is from afar. You can still monitor her progress and health if you decide to put her into a home. So, please don't feel like you are giving up. Have you try to get support at home i.e. homemaker service? Do you have family members that can help? I understand if family members don't want to help...been there. Just remember, if you have done all that you can do to care for your mom, please don't feel bad if you have to put her in a home. Thank you for caring for your MOM, there are many people who don't have anyone to care for him or her at all. Many blessings and care from me to you.

This is a tough topic I wish I had asked questions here when my sister needed help. She was too fargone with dementia to accept it and we did not think to ask others what they did to get seniors help. Now I think I should have said"The water and power are being cutoff for a few days and there is a real nice place for you to visit just until we get it back."

To everyone reading this, remember that your children see the way you care for your parent(s) and will in return, care for you the way they see you care for your parent(s). Make sure your children understand the love and admiration you have for your parent and explain to them in a loving manner to why grandma/grandpa need to move. Don't make them think that the move is because you are burdened and/or because of your responsibilities to your children. Kids are smart and they pick up on the way you respond to your parent.
I am a single mother and a caregiver. I have learned so much from my children and I am so thankful that they can see what I do because one day they will be doing it for me.

Just a word from my experience: my mom entered a RH after a hip op. At first she didn't like it and couldn't wait to return home, but knowing she couldn't take care of herself we had her stay there. Since I was the one visiting, I always felt guilty leaving even though I'd stay for 6 to 8 hours sometimes with her. So I moved her in with me after a year. Today she is gone, and I know she missed the excitement, male and female staff and all the people scoot'en around in their chairs just like her in the RH. I too have my moments of "What if's" My point is this: there may always be something missing - I also know she lived longer with me then had I left her in the home BUT would she have been happier there? We make our best choices for them and have to honor that. Our choices come from love....even if we're at our wits end.

kellyb, you've done a commendable job, but your son needs you more now. I've recently placed my Mom in Assisted Living and I now believe it's one of the best things I could have done for her. There's a lot to be said for the companionship of people her own age. After an initial adjustment time, she enjoys the activities each day and seems happier and less depressed than when she depended on me for everything.

YOU CANNOT SACRIFICE YOUR OWN LIFE AND SANITY AND HEALTH. I FINALLY REALIZED THIS WHEN BOTH MY OWN DOCTORS AND MY 90+-YEAR-OLD MOTHER'S DOCTORS ECHOED WHAT MY FREIDNS HAD BEEN SAYING FOR 2 YEARS--YOU CANNOT DO THIS, YOU ARE NEITHER QUALIFIED NOR HEALTHY ENOUGH TO PROVIDE 24/7 SKILLED CARE AND MONITORING, AND VERY SHORTLY YOU ARE LIKELY TO PRE-DECEASE YOUR MOTHER. THEN WHAT HAPPENS TO HER? SHE IS NOW IN A NEARBY,FRIENDLY, NOT SHABBY OR DEPRESSING, 24/7 CARING NURSING HOME WHICH ACCEPTED HER W/JUST HER MEDICARE AND SOCIAL SECURITY, AND I AM ON THE ROAD TO PHYSICAL AND MENTAL RECOVERY AND HAVING A LIFE OF MY OWN.
HANG IN THERE.

Oh Lord I know how you feel!!! I could just scream, I have dealt with this for 5 years. Doctors say weeks maybe months but he seems to be in better health than me. His mind is gone been gone but he is mean and stubborn. I clean him for poop at least 3 times a day if not more and he will not stay still for me to get it off it usually ends up everywhere. this morning he threw his breakfast at me. If you can put your loved one somewhere. I would but I promised him i would not . No more promises!! God Bless us all

I am 68 and take care of my 90 year old mom. She lives alone in a condo near me, so its not too complicated for me because of being retired. But, I don't have the strength and energy to care for her any more, due to her failing memory. I can't imagine how people that are working and raising kids can handle all the stress. I have my mom's name in an AL and she should be going in soon. I too feel guilty but have 2 sisters that are behind me all the way. Kelly, your mom is younger then me and you have my sympathy. Research all the care facility's in your area. Have you heard of the web site "A Place for Mom
'They can help you with your search and set up all the appointments to tour the places. I keep telling my mom that this is going to be a vacation of a lifetime. She won't have to do anything but just have fun. Good Luck - Carol

You're making the right decision. You need to have a life, too. Your Mom may not be happy at first, but she will adjust. It will be better for all of you.I've lived with my Mom for a year now. She is 87 and has Alzehimer's. Some days I feel like I'm going to lose my mind dealing with her. I'm considering assisted living also, but haven't made the commitment yet. She's supporting me financially cause I lost my job in November 2008. Thought the economy would be better by now, but things are not looking good. Maybe next spring it will be better (I said that last fall, too). Good luck and give your son lots of hugs for dealing with Grandma, too.

KEL:

Fill out the paperwork. Fast.

Forgive be for being so forthright, but that boy is about to start turning into a man and it'll be much more difficult to make the transition without a father to talk about "man stuff" and 1/2 a mother who needs to heal while doing the best she can with what she has ... for everyone but herself.

It takes a resilient, strong woman to do what you do and and realize that she needs help. I take my hat off to you ... and all the other single mothers in this forum who don't even get a "Thank You."

Wish you the best my sister.

@hbdancers - if I read you right, and please correct me if I don't, you are looking at drug(s) and/or a live in caregiver to deal with the problems that have arisen from caring for your mother who has Alz. and also has an obsession with you. As well, you and your wife are looking to bring children into this mix. I trust you are aware that this disease progresses downhill and that your mother will likely become more difficult and needing of more care than she is/has now. I feel sorry for your wife who is providing all this care and taking all the abuse more than I do for your mother, though I would not wish this disease on anyone. Have you looked into placing your mother in a facility where she would have the professional care she needs and you and your wife could get your lives back? Looking into a live-in caregivers is commendable. however, from my experience, not always successful. We had one for my mother and she lasted 8 months and mother refused to have another one. Do you want to be dealing with making other arrangements for your mother's care in the middle of a pregnancy or the challenges of having young children? I would not advise that. I am a grandmother and had 4 children myself, so I do have experience in that area. The next step for my mother was an ALF (Assisted Living Facility) and it is working out as well as anything can for her. As far as taking your mother out socializing as much as you do and then being concerned about a "son obsession" seems a bit contradictory to me. It takes two for a situation like that to develop. Just because she wants you there 24/7 does not mean you have to bow to her wants - and they are "wants" not "needs". Would she not be better off where she can develop other relationships? As long as you fill her needs she will not look to anyone else. Again, in my experience, doing something out of pity for a person - feeling sorry for them - never works out to the advantage of either party. My mother wants me involved with every thought she has, but I do not indulge her. Frankly it is not healthy.
My advice 1) look into an ALFs or other facilities suitable to your mum's needs in the area while introducing your mother to the idea and taking her to visit them 2) in the meanwhile get a care giver from an agency to take the load off your wife and you until other arrangements can be made, 3) stop including your mother on all your outings and take a holiday with your wife to start getting things between you are your wife where they should be 4) resist your mum's obsession with you - do take her our once in a while but not to everything - i.e. set some limits (which seem to be sadly lacking here). From my understanding of God, He says put your spouse ahead of your parents. In fact, He says leave your parents and cleave to your spouse. That does not mean to abandon your mother, but to put your wife first after God. Yes, you should see that your mum is cared for, but you and your wife do not have to do it all yourselves. 5) obtain the help of a counsellor while making these changes. I have no doubt that your mother will resist any changes vigorously and I think that professional support may be necessary to break these unhealthy patterns. I am speaking from experience here too.

As far as drugs are concerned, I do not have any experience with them, but hopefully some one else will.
Wishing you well and a hug for your wife

Hi there. I can certainly understand the frustration of "raising mom" and your son. I was a single mom with 3 children and had promised my dad that I would take care of mom. Well, my daughters left home as fast as they could and my son left way to soon, I don't know your situation, but here are a couple of thoughts. If your mom is able to live in assisted living, she could enjoy friends her own age, retain some independence. I did not encourage my mother to do much of anything after dad died. For 14 years she has felt sorry for herself, done nothing, had no social life herself and had a negative impact on my children and me It is a tough decision,. You will only get one chance to build memories with your son. One chance to give him a "happy" childhood and one chance to show him that loving another does not mean putting their desires or needs before taking care of your child. I know that while I love my mother, I regret letting her stay with me. She is still with me, causing stress between my husband and I and making every day stressful and filled with guilt over our negative feelings. Good luck to you and your son. I pray for all of you.

My wife and I have given up our life for my mom for the past 3 years.
We live at her house and do everything for her, while our own house just sits
15 min. away. We take her to the movies, dancing, & dinners weekly, plus Cub baseball games. I feel so sorry for her with this horrific disease.
I feel my mom & dad were the best parents ever & I need to return the favor
and make God & my dad, who died at 70 in 2004, proud of me. My mom is only 77. But my wife is only 35, I am 50, and my wife is an angel from heaven cooking, cleaning, & entertaining my mom daily. She even wipes her butt 3 times a day and helps her bath & change. We are trying to keep Mom in her own house with a happy & comfortable environment.
My mom has severe mood swings & takes it out on my wife,
yelling & screaming at her to get out of the house, then telling her 10 min. later how she loves her. It has drained us with severe stress for 3 yrs.
We just put her on Seroquil to try and control the mood swings & anger.
My mom is obsessed with me, her son, and wants me there with her 24/7.
Any advice anyone please? We are now interviewing live-in caregivers from Care.com website. Anyone have experience with Seroquil for moods, and
any ideas or help with the moods or son obsession?
My heart bleeds for my mom and this disgusting Dementia/Alzheimers disease, but my wife and I need our life back. We want to enjoy our time and have kids.
Life flys by and it is not fair to my beloved wife. She is amazing to do all she does 24/7 for a mother-in-law.
Please any help/advice/referrals on caregivers, her meds, moods, or dementia situation. She takes Aricept & Namenda and now Seroquil.
Also, her doctor is Dr. Weise who scared us with increased death risks from Seroquil. Anyone have Seroquil knowledge or know Dr. Weise from Alexian Bros.? THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HELPING US!

I agree with alot of what is being said. However my Mom is 88 and has Alzheimers. I have been caring for her for 4.5 years. Guess I am the lucky one I have been divorced for 20 years. My daughter is 26 one grandchild who is 6. But it is not easy in anyway. But in the positive side I believe that Mom would not have lived this long if she was not in her own home. And most

Sounds like you are you trying to do the right thing. I know it is hard being a single parent...and the caregiving is extremely difficult itself... without having children at home. Assisted living would be great if she is able...I work with seniors and I know a lot of times they just love the company and interactions in the assisted living facilities providing it is a good one. Where ever she goes it is so important to be a frequent visitor and to make it known that she has someone who loves her very much and who will be keeping them accountable. Love and hugs to you. You take care now. Blessings ~ Bobbi

Kellyb, you are not your mom's mother. You are your son's mother. He needs his mother and his mother needs to take better care of herself which in this case means finding some where that your mother can be safe and taken cared for. You have far too much on your plate as a single mom to do any more than you have done. I wish you well.

I am the sole caregiver of my Mom , though she is 96 and the dementia is driving me crazy. She goes adult day care everyday and will start going on Saturday and Sunday this weekend. I would suggest Adult Day Care to you at least until you can get her into the Assisted Living. I am also thinking it is time for her to go into assisted living as my nervs are shot and I stay so terribly depressed there are days when I can hardly move aroundhere in the house. . Mother has lived with us for 7 years and I truly miss the life I had before she was with us. My girls are 16 and 14; so you can see they have grown up with her here in the house. I think you should make your decision and and never look back.
Please let 5 us know/ Prayers are with you and the family.

Kelly, I'll be praying for God's guidance for you too. I know this is probably one of the toughest decisions you'll ever have to make. I've been there and still have days I wonder if I've done the right thing. Being the single mom of a ten y/o I would think you have your hands full.

kellyb, you are making the right decision. I have only one child who is grown, but if I had kids, I couldn't imagine. I been taking care of my parents for many years now. My dad passed away 5 yrs ago at the age of 91, and refused to go to a nursing home. So we dealt with all we had to at home. It was very very hard on me, as I was the only one closest to them. My mom is now 88 with cogestive heart failure and needs constant care. It has done nothing but run me down and make me angry. I now know that it is no good for your parent either. They need the care, and we are only one person who cannot provide all that. I often imagine 3, 8 hr shifts of fresh people taking care of mom, rather than me who is burned out. Don't have my mom in assisted living yet , but she is on the list to go. I know she doesn't want to go, but it is best for us both. Nobody in the family can come and help, so that is going to be the ultimatum, it just has to be. I never wanted to leave my mom, but my life is going down the tubes. I have read so much on here and there is so much help out there is you only keep asking for it. Your story makes me feel so not alone!! Thank you!!

Kelly, call a local Hospice in your area and just ask them questions - let them know the situation. They may be able to give good advice about insurance, assisted aid, homes etc.

Someone stated that they feel so bad for having their mom put in nursing home. Well I use to feel that I'd feel to guilty to do that as well,but when you have put up with as much as I have, the whole guilt thing goes out the window. So over guilt. I did my best for as long that was emotionally possible for me,and alot of people have made such positive comments on how that she could really adjust to that type of living,meet friends,have more activitiess with people her own age. Seems whats best. I also feel bad she is only sixty, and dementia has destroyed her life,and almost mine with it. So it is time to think like a true caregiver,and not so much as a daughter at this point so hopefully we can all make a smooth transition. I am concerned about the cost,,but plan to check in on it soon. I know at some point we all are caregivers,need caregivers,or know them. I have a heart and all, but I have got to do whats best for me for a change instead of constantly doing whats best for my mom. This living arrangement could go on for a very long time, and I already know I just can't do it any longer, I pray God gives me the guidence I need to get through all this. Sometimes I just wonder :why?? Thanks for all the support on here, and I'll update the situation as soon as changes are made or I need to vent. KB:)

Not all assisted living homes are horrible places. I moved my mother to one and she loves it. She has friends to socialize with her own age that can relate to her. When she is having a bad day she was someone there to take care of her. Mom has gotten healthier because she force to walk to the dining room 3 times a day. I could never get her to move more than the family room to the frig..

But don't think it's going to be smooth sailing once you get her settled. It's still "A LOT" or work. I take her to doctors appointments, etc. because I want to know what's going on. There are many things that only family members can do. Plus you still need to spend time there, or take her on outings.

Find a wonderful facility., they are out there and both your lives will be improving soon.

God Bless you Kellyb for taking on your Mom and now making a tough decsion. You need to care for yourself so you can be there for your son. I just love all the advice everyone has given you. I just started getting on this site and I am loving it. I am in my sixties and caring for my 87 year old Mom. My husband has had health issures too. But he still works so right now I feel I can take care of my Mom who has dementia also. But I have some tough days! And I too get resentfull when I have to repeat stuff over and over...I am now looking in to an adult day care program at a local assisted living. I need some time off..My hats off to all the caregivers! You are the blessed ones!

I can understand what you are feeling. It was only last month that I finally moved my mom from my home to an assisted living facility. My husband is also disabled and it was getting to me to caring for 2 people. She hated my husband and the things we do in our home. She was trying to tell me how to run my life and what is wrong with my husband. She accused him of stealing a silver dollar coin in her closet in a lockbox. That was my final straw. I still had alot of guilt feelings putting her in there but I was going to therapy and taking anti depressants. I was feeling the stress between the two of them. I haven't quite got to enjoy the peace and quiet in my home since I moved her on Thursday and my grandson was borned on Friday. I said it was out with the negative and in with the positive. She is happier there since she can control her heat/ac, she doesn't have to live with a man but she sure does miss my cooking. She has tried to get me to bring her dinners to her but I am not going to start that at all. She would have been very happy if my husband wasn't there but I say thank god he was there for me. Good luck to you but we do deserve to live our lives.

I tried to keep my Dad in his home and managed that for 3 years with 3 ladies splitting the days. I finally decided to place him in a nice assisted living center that also provides long term nursing care and Alzheimer's care. It was the best decision that I ever made for him. They pick with him and play and baby him and he just loves all the staff. Three balanced meal (including a dessert at every meal) and treats 2 times a day. He actually started putting a little weight back on. He doesn't remember that I'm his daughter anymore, but he still smiles at me and my stress level dropped 10 levels. I can have a life now and still work in 2-3 visits week. He can't think fast enough to participate in the activities that the others can, but he enjoys going to watch what's going on. He even gets his hands soaked and nails filed weekly when the lady residents are getting their manicures. It was the best decision for both of us, I only regret not doing it sooner. There are some really nice homes available now. Good luck.

Act sooner rather than later! My husband has AD. I too have reached the Wall after 5 years since diagnosis but really longer. I have waited too long and now he is very resistant to all the pre admission requirements: medical exam, TB test. He no longer bathes or even changes his clothes. It is a nightmare. I should have moved him on to the professionals 6 months ago. So my answer is YES, DO IT!

You know my mom was in a HOME at one point - and she slowly began to like it. I think most feel that they won't like it until they give it time. After they make friends they love it, especially the mix of female and male energy. Don't feel like your doing her an injustice or giving up -- it's time for a change. Be sure to go see her. The HOME will take better care of her when family is involved and it will help her adjust and make friends quickly. Good Luck! Besides, if you're unhappy now so is she.