Should I feel guilty about intimacy with my old flame?

I'll just tell you what my dad said when he was wearing himself out caring for my mother. She had dementia, wouldn't bathe, got up every two hours all night which meant he'd get up to ensure she didn't fall, and yet he lovingly cared for her even when she'd be crabby and snap at him.

I asked him why he put up with it and didn't bring in some help or consider placement for her.

He said, "She's built up a lot of credit."

You see, my dad was a very hard worker who supported us as well as his mother, and he worked 10-hours a day, six days a week and didn't take a vacation the last 15 years he worked. Mom was somewhat neglected all those years and never got a break from raising kids or making dinner, and also never had a vacation. Dad recognized that sacrifice on her part, so when it was time to care for her, he was all in, even though his world shrunk exponentially. (He was in fine health.)

As it happened, Dad was diagnosed with cancer and died six weeks later. I moved in with my folks the day he was diagnosed to care for both of them. We never told Mom exactly what was going on, out by she knew somehow, and every morning she'd come downstairs and give him little pats and a hug and a kiss, then sit and look vacant in her usual way.

At night, when I'd get them ready for bed, my dad would always tell me to take care of Mom first, because it was important to make sure she was OK. Only once I got her tucked in for the night was I able to go sit with him and talk.

Dad died one afternoon in the upstairs spare bedroom, and Mom was sitting there holding his hand because he'd built up a lot of credit in those past 66 years, too.

Marriage is give and take, sir, and it isn't always to our liking, but a vow should mean something. Take care of yourself, but please be true to your wife. Get some help in to assist you and get out for lunch with a friend (but not THAT friend). Volunteer once a week. Do some things that enable you to interact with others.

However, please remember your wife didn't do this to you intentionally, and if 55 years means anything it should mean you love and honor her until death do you part.

We all need the human touch no matter how old we are. 55 years is a long time. Must have had a loving relationship. I really don't think you will never feel guilty. But your wife is drifting away. Don't think I would introduce my friend to family while my wife was still alive though.

This is a question asked a lot on this forum by women and men. If my husband had ALZ/Dementia and had no idea who I was, there is someone, who if available, I would lean on. But I would be discreet. Their minds are gone so you can't hurt them. Because of how we were raised its such a hard decision and we only live once.

I believe the person with ALZ has two deaths; one death of the person's "soul" - the personality and memories that made that person who we knew; and a second death of the body. Sometimes the death of the soul is complete before the physical death. When someone suffers a near complete death of the soul and cannot recognize the people they once loved as anyone but "the nice person that cares for me" then I believe the surviving spouse should move on emotionally if they can. You can be faithful by making sure your spouse has the physical care and what emotional support is possible for the rest of their life. When they cannot remember you are their spouse, then they cannot be hurt by your "unfaithfulness".

But the spouse is not the only person affected by these decisions. One of my father's cousins was married to a gentleman who developed ALZ. She was his caregiver (with some in-home support) until his death. In the last year or so he didn't know she was his wife or even her name; he stopped talking at all in the last 3 months. About 6 months before he died she became aware an old boyfriend from high school had moved back into the area and exchanged a few phone calls with him. After her husband died, she began attending some church and community events with him, then going "out" for dinners and movies. They married (at ages 88 and 90) 10 months after her husband had died. I thought it was wonderful the two (widow and widower) had found someone to share their days. Her daughter was not nearly as pleased and it caused an estrangement between mother and daughter for a little over a year. The daughter eventually came around to my view: her mother had been a devoted wife for more than 68 years and suffered emotionally from her father's dementia. Mom _deserved_ to experience companionship again and at her age waiting for some period of time just to assure the "community" of her devotion to her first spouse is nonsense. The second marriage lasted just 4 years before the husband suffered a head injury from falling. After being widowed a second time, she entered AL and lived well for another 5 years.

I am a Christain and I understand "moving on" from an ill spouse is not what we are taught. I solidly agree with that teaching when the marriage _can_ continue is anything other than the legal sense. If your spouse would be hurt by your action, then I think you should refrain. But if you can still love, advocate for, and make sure your spouse has the care they _deserve_, then I think it's okay to move on to another relationship as long as the second companion supports your continuing devotion to your spouse.

Our God is a God of love; He loves us and wants good things for us. Finding some happiness while caring for an ill spouse can be a good thing. Many people, most of whom have never walked the journey of a caregiver and many who have, are going to criticize your actions. Are you and your potential companion strong enough to endure their condemnation? Is it worth the potential estrangement from some family and friends who won't understand? It's a very difficult situation our religion and moral teachings never complicated when we were young so we have to find our way as best we can. God bless and comfort you in the path you choose.

I'm curious about those who are condemning the OP.  Do you boycott, chastise or otherwise not respect the politicians, elected leaders and reps, movie stars, athletic stars, acquaintances, religious leaders and anyone else who might not be or "isn't faithful" to his or her spouse?   Are you  married, and if so, have you been completely "faithful" to your spouse?  

This condemnation of the OP's attempts to balance his life are inappropriate and not necessary.  He's obviously considered the alternatives, and that's why he's asking for opinions, not criticism.

I appreciate your confusion. When you married your wife, did you recite the below wedding vows? You mentioned you are "here for the count", it seems that day has arrived for you. You wife is there for you, she has not left you. You are contemplating leaving her, perhaps not in body but certainly in spirit, and perhaps that is where your confusion lies. The marriage vow is a lifelong contract and fulfilling contracts can be difficult. If you wish to be with your teenage friend, then divorce your wife and move on. If you don't want to do that, then your teenage friend, if she's a quality person, will wait for you until you are single again. There is no harm in having female friends but not more than that because you will be breaking your vow, legally, spiritually and emotionally to your wife and that is about your character not anything about your wife.

"I, take you to be my wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

I take you  to be my lawfully wedded  (husband/wife), my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow.

I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live."

Timothy, caregiving is very exhausting, so I am curious how in the world would you find the energy or even the time to start up a new relationship?

My boss' wife had Alzheimer's, and since he was a very social being, he hired a caregiver to be with his wife during the day/weekends. That way he was able to get with his guy pals and they would go out to lunch at quality restaurants. It reminded me of the Sinatra Rat Pack. He found being with his buddies was very helpful during this time. He was also member of a lot of different clubs, like the Elks, Chamber of Commerce, political stuff, business networking groups.

Please note that in today's day and age, if you do wish to pursue a relationship there is no way one can be discreet. Everyone has a cellphone, and is on social media. Cameras are everywhere. All it takes is one photo to make it into a social media to do harm.

All food for thought.

YOU are the only one that can answer that.
You will get many responses and some will say..
*You have marriage vows that must be upheld and to have a physical, emotional relationship outside of your marriage is wrong.
or
*Your wife is no longer the woman you married and there is noting wrong with seeking a physical, emotional relationship.

This is a totally individual decision.
the question I have is Would YOU feel guilty having a relationship? Would you introduce this person to your friends, your family? How (not that it matters) would they react if you had this relationship?

You are not the only one experiencing isolation.
You are not the only one grappling with this decision.

I suppose you could think about these...
*Is your dear friend married? If so would this change your perspective on the situation?
*If your son or daughter were in the same situation what would your advice to them be? Is it different than the advice you would take for yourself?
*If it were you that had dementia and this question were posed by your wife what would you want the responses to be?

I think you should not feel guilty for wanting intimacy or acting upon that need with your old flame. The woman you married is gone in the sense that she is no longer capable of being that woman who satisfied your needs.

60 Minutes (Morley Safer maybe?) did an excellent segment on a husband whose wife had Alzheimer's and he had a girlfriend who he made part of the family. I think you should try to find it and watch it.

Being open about your needs and desires may be liberating. Guilt is pointless!

Unfortunately, the answer to this is really individual and will require a lot of soul searching on your part.

However, I do have an a acquaintance who is in their 40’s and in a similar situation. A few years ago, his wife (only 39 and physically fit) suffered a rare stroke that left her completely debilitated and requiring constant 24 hour care. She was put in a LTC home. After 5 years, we learned that her husband (who admits to still loving her) divorced her and is dating again. They have a son together and still visit, but she has not been told.

Should he be subjected to spending half his life alone and looking after her? I don’t know. Again, it’s individual because (and I’m sure you’ll agree) there is no right magical answer that will make you feel 100% great.

In the end, I think you have to make peace with the fact that your life didn’t go the way you wanted and hoped and dreamt of. You wanted to spend the rest of your life with your wife and for her to be well up until the end. Except, that unfortunately didn’t happen. Personally, I think you can love (and be faithful) to more than one person at a time. You’re just being faithful in a different kind of way.

Ask yourself this question.

Say the tables were turned and it was you with the Alzheimer's and your wife had to live the day in and day out drudgery of being your caregiver, would you resent her if she found a bit of happiness and comfort with someone else?
If your answer is 'no' and you'd want your wife to not be alone and to have some kind of a life, then you have no reason to feel guilty about anything.
My last care client was completely out of it from LBD. A two year old couldn't hold a conversation with her. Incontinent in diapers, and unable to feed herself even or sit up on her own. Her elderly husband kept her home. He hired caregivers to do the hands-on care. He loved and cared about his wife.
He had a woman on the side. Why shouldn't he? He wasn't sick. He didn't have dementia. His whole life 24 hours a day was supposed to be spent isolated from civilization, changing diapers, washing, feeding, and listening to the same dementia loop over and over again?
No one deserves that. He had discretion. He didn't tell his wife he was going to meet someone. No one else told her either. He would go and see his other woman when I was with his wife during the day.
Then he'd come home and spend every other hour with his wife.
This wasn't morally wrong. It wouldn't be morally wrong for you either.
The only way to make it wrong is if your wife gets hurt by it. What she doesn't know won't hurt her.