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I had to have a conversation with the RN on duty about this subject a couple days after my Mom entered the nursing home. My Mom told me a man came into her room during the night to "visit" Mom's roomate.
The RN was very nice. She explained these "visits" were pretty common in facilities. But, the staff in this facilitiy was supposed to be alert and on the lookout for these situations. Of course married couples or couples roomed together were allowed privacy and private time.
The RN went on to explain that Dementia patients like my Mom's roomate may be consenting during the "visit" but shortly after may have a completely different interpretation of the event. So, the staff did their best to keep an eye on things.
Three months after my Mom entered the facility she became a man chaser. So yes I understand. The woman who raised me and made my teenage life miserable was out of control. The woman who always drilled to me "your reputation, our reputation" was now like a boy crazy teenager on steroids...It took me a while to wrap my head around that one.
How much do we deprive them of under the guise of caring and protecting. They are facing the end of their lives, knowingly or not, give them a break. I do not personally believe that their souls are in peril because their brains are broke and they have reached out for intimacy.
Your mom and this married man have reverted beyond their original marriage vows and have found some comfort in one another. I am more happy that they found something to bring them some joy in this damnable diseased state than I am concerned that they are AD or married or anything else.
I say good for them and leave them alone.
My mom and I discussed sex occasionally throughout my life and I am positive she wouldn’t want any man bothering her in that way. I’d make sure that business was stopped!!!
There was a brief history of the accidental discovery of Viagra on the radio this afternoon, speaking of vigorous but frail participants. Picture me running round the room with my hands over my ears going 'la-la-la'.
I'm sure I am guilty of stereotyping like blazes, here; but I can't imagine that successful coïtus, specifically, is likely to be what we're talking about most of the time. Or maybe it is. Oh Lord, when does it ever end...
But say we're stopping short of full sex, how is it to be policed? What are residents allowed to do? Will there be a sliding scale? They can hold hands but not touch one another's torsos; or are they, like prisoners, allowed no physical contact at all? Won't that in itself be distressing if it is indeed what they were both most in need of?
I still think it's best to keep to the "is this gentleman bothering you, ma'am?" angle rather than the "that's no way for a lady to behave!" angle.
18-30 Tri-weekly
30-50 Try weekly
50-70 Try weakly
70+ Stick to beer.
Who is the man? An employee? Another resident?
How does you mom feel before, during, and after the man's visit?
What is the man's condition? Does he too have Alzheimer's?
Have you asked the man his intentions?
Does your mom understand that this man isn't your father?
What do you think your mom would do if she didn't have Alzheimer's? Did your mom believe she would reunite with your father after death?
I'm sure that every situation is different, and I'm not talking about holding hands or affection, because as a family, we tried to provide that for her, and the staff was always giving her hugs and back rubs, and showing her kindness, but she was far too gone in her disease, to ever be able to consent to such a complex decision making process.
The other consideration has to do with whether or not intercourse would be painful for your mom if she has vaginal atrophy. But if she can consent, they have checked both of them for STDs and no one is getting hurt, I agree with MaryKathleen. Sex is good for you.
Everyone needs to be loved and hugged, that is just who we are.
My ex is in an AL facility. There is a lady there that still likes men in that way. As one old guy said, "She came to MY room and so I gave her what she came for".