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My 83 year old wife of 62 years has Alzheimer's and is in a wonderful memory care facility. She constantly asks me to stay and sleep with her (which is not allowed) and hates it when I leave her at the end of my visit. I have to make up "therapeutic lies" or just leave without telling her. In either case I feel guilty and wish there were a way I could help her to understand that we live apart because she needs more care than I can provide ( I tried for several years and even enlisted a home care provider). What does anyone recommend to handle this situation?

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Reply to Anxietynacy
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I'm guessing you both had been really together until her placement in Memory Care? Or-had you both claimed and enjoyed your own space and time at Home, prior to her leaving, then think about what aspects of that "Personal space" did your're wife enjoy the most? If she had her own space , what drew her to it most of the time? Did she prefer her own comfortable temperature? Her own Decor? A Light left on all night? The ability to still communicate with you -24/7? Is there anything missing, besides You, in her own new arrangement that she would be allowed to have or keep with her? Can you Imitate , in any way, her surroundings from Home in her new space? What she really enjoys doing -can she Save that for after you leave ? If her life can include that which you do when together , then that which she does when apart, but which she also enjoys doing, and the dependence on YOU is lessened to some degree, you both may grow used to your new life -one lived whereby your together, but also apart.
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Reply to b8ted2sink
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Sad situation for all. But, please don't feel guilty. You are doing what's best for her and for yourself as well. I would make your good-byes quick - don't linger - let her know you'll be back soon. Someone suggested meal time as a good departing time - sounds like a good plan to me. You've seen to it that she is well cared for - that's huge - I can't tell you how important it is now for you to care for yourself as well. I wish you and your wife all the best. Go out and do something peaceful for yourself, walking out in nature, or whatever brings you peace. Take care.
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Reply to Mamacrow
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Have you ever considered a facility where the two of you could live together? There are such places.

If your wife still knows you and expresses that she wants you to stay, it sounds like she may not be so far gone. A different kind of facility may be right for both of you.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Wait until it's time for a meal before you leave. Get your wife settled in to the dining area and then say your goodbyes. It's more distracting for her that way, and gives her something else to focus her attention on rather than a long goodbye. Tell her you'll be back very soon.

Good luck.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Sadly, Dr. Laura is correct when she says over and over "not everything can be fixed." Your wife wishes you could stay. That is normal. And she is unable to process and compute that you are unable to do so. This is unlikely to change. Simply make leave-taking as easy as you can for her, and know that she likely adjusts better than you think once you are gone. I am glad you are wise enough to accept that your wife needs more care now than you can safely provide her. My heart goes out to you.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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