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You got married and part of that vow was to forsake all others and enduring sickness and health. Not ‘until my wife is disabled and I really want to get laid’.
Now let me say, I fully understand that this situation is different from what catzndogz is describing. But there are parallels. It is a deeply personal decision that only the people in the relationship have any right to make. At first when my friend starting see this other woman I admit, part of me was kind of appalled. And then I realized that it was none of my business first and foremost, and secondly when I really thought about it, his wife, the beautiful, vibrant, loving woman that he had married - was gone. Alzheimers had robbed both he and his wife of HER! She had been gone a long time. This new woman who came into his life had not only renewed his spirit and given him the will to keep going but also given him a renewed energy when he visited his wife. He didn't stop loving his wife. He never stopped visiting her, he never took this woman to visit his wife or rubbed her in her face, they were discreet, he was considerate. But his mental and emotional health improved and he was able to actually be stronger for his wife too.
So, as distasteful as this subject may be for some, this has to be between catzndogz and his wife. I would say though - you really need to be sure that she is truly ok. Too many reality tv shows (I know, I know) are built on a spouse saying "I'm 100% ok with (insert behavior here)" and then spending 13 episodes destroying the other spouse because of said behavior. You may both need some therapy before and after to deal with it to be honest. And you probably need to explore if it is about companionship or physical satisfaction - because of course there are other ways to provide that.
And as far as where to find it - well there I'm afraid I'm going to fall short - my friend met his new love at church - but they were both looking for companionship- not just a friends with benefits kind of thing so I would assume that you have to be very careful because you are probably looking for the kind of women you would want to have a relationship with if you were in the market for a relationship - but you also want to find women who don't want one - tricky business! Support groups for spouses with disabled spouses might be an option? I don't know. I wish you the best - and I suggest that you also do something special for your wife - you really need to remember that if she is truly on board with this that just because she isn't able to be physical with you - it doesn't meant that she doesn't still have those emotional and mental needs that need to be met and if she is willing to let you go get your physical needs met elsewhere you need to go above and beyond to make sure she gets her emotional needs met!!
I understand the need for physical closeness, not even necessarily sex, just the touch of another person's hand, being held, the skin to skin contact that we intuitively crave. I think that's more what you're missing.
My DH and I have been 'brother and sister' for 8 years. He had a really severe motorcycle accident then and his personality really changed. Hasn't touched me since, Probably doesn't kiss me more than one 'brotherly' kiss in a month's time. If I take his hand, I can literally feel the twitchy 'let go of me' muscles in his hand.
This is NOT what I thought our "golden years" would be. Not at all. And he refuses to discuss it, so it is what it is. I'm not going to beg him for affection.
I won't sit in judgment if you find someone who also just wants a 'friends with benefits' arrangement. I know a few people who have those (and I am considered to be a really religious person--sex outside of marriage is not smiled upon).
Life is not what we planned at all, is it? I NEVER would have imagined a totally affection-free marriage at age 65. (Well, since I was 57, actually).
I love my husband, I know he loves me. He just has zero sex drive. So, hopefully, in time, I won't have one either!
It's the needing to be touched that I miss. Just his hand on my back or holding mine.
As weird as life is, my 69 yo sister just complained to me that her 70 yo husband wants sex 3-4 times a week and she's TIRED.
I hope you find a companion and also hope you can work through this. Seems like life is pretty random at matching us up, isn't it?
I think I understand where your coming from. Its not the physical contact so much as just having someone to talk to. Maybe have a cup of coffee with, a nice dinner out. Someone in the same boat who understands. Maybe even just text back and forth. Something in your life to look forward to.
Just food for thought.
The concern I would have were I you in this situation: while your intentions might be "physical contact only with no emotional attachments" and the person with whom you strike up this relationship might have the same intentions, what happens if it turns into *more* than that? What if you/other person begin to develop deeper feelings for each other? Where does this leave your disabled wife?
Since I can't imagine a life with no physical contact from my spouse, I am in no way judging you morally; it seems that this decision, even the consideration of it, is causing you great heartache. Do you think you're the kind of man who could have a long-standing physical, intimate relationship with another woman and yet keep that woman at "arm's length" so to speak?
I sincerely hope you can find a solution to this very sad situation.
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