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It can be so difficult when we forget that it is about the one needing assistance &
and not about "ME". I support any care giver, as am I, who stumbles & falls or FORGETS & takes things personally. You know those wings that you have and can't see?? Like the Light we reflect back to those we care for, no matter what they say. Like the GOD we believe in but can't see ,but so feel the presence of.
Do no harm; Keep the faith ; Keep talking & asking questions.
I walk away a lot. I pray a lot. I play the guitar a lot.
assandache7 posted 3/10/2014 at 6:05 am
Quote for the day: The dementia patient is not giving you a hard time. The dementia patient is having a hard time...
As the previous posts point out again and again, a person with dementia is not in her right mind, and the things she says should not be considered the "real" her talking. It is the disease. That doesn't make it pleasant, but it should help your ego and feelings. For years my mantra was "It is not Coy talking, it is Lewy!" (Coy was my husband and he had Lewy Body Dementia.)
Try not to argue with her and don't defend yourself. To the extent possible, try to sympathize with her. "Oh Mom, it must be very, very frustrating not to be able to drive. I am so sorry that has happened, but Dr. Carlson says it is not safe for you." "Gosh I'm sorry if the toilet paper is disappearing so fast. I'll be sure to buy a large supply when I shop this week."
I hope you can control your attitude to make her comments less hurtful.
But the bigger issue here is that you absolutely MUST have some respite, some time away from her, weekends to do your own thing. I doubt that you can count on your brother. Start looking for in-home help, so you can leave on a regular basis.
One way to start the process is to call social services and ask for a needs assessment for your mother. (Or ask her doctor's office for a referral to a social worker.) The person doing a needs assessment will be able to identify services your mother needs and ways you might get those services. If she is eligible for any financial aid, that process can be started. For example, would she qualify for Medicaid? Various in-home help is available through that program. Even if she does not need financial aid at all, Social Services can help you identify what services are available for her to pay for herself.
One great resource available in many communities is an Adult Day Health Program. It is a "social club" that persons who need supervision can attend 1 to 5 days a week. They provide hot lunches, and usually cold breakfasts. Art, music, crafts, cards, and many other activities are available. Most provide services such as helping with a shower or cutting toenails to those who want those services.
It is clear that you and your husband cannot continue to be the only caregivers. Maybe some in-home help and some out-of-home day care will be enough to make this work for a while. Eventually (maybe soon, maybe later) it will take more than that. By starting the research now you will be in a better position to turn her day-to-day professionals when that time comes.
Best wishes to you, Maxwell, and to your husband and to your mother.
He took her out of town for the weekend last month and asked me to fix up her pill boxes for the weekend. Well, I brought her morning pills to her the morning she was leaving and she asked me where the rest of them were(meaning the ones for the rest of the weekend) and I told her that my nephew would get them. She just takes the pill box I'm holding and shuts the door in my face! Strangely enough, it didn't upset me in any way, didn't hurt my feelings in the least. It may have surprised me. My only reaction though was "Well, I guess she didn't like my answer" and I walked home. I only hope that that was the extent of any rude behavior on her part or I hope that's the extent of my reaction if she does get hateful.
She complains about my nephew the most. He took her keys away, he wants to put her in a home, he took over her finances so her annoyance I think is mostly directed at him and she may not lash out at me because of mostly directing her annoyance at him. She sees him as the one who took away her independence because in her mind, she's just fine and he's just overreacting. I'm pretty sure she's complained about me and dh not letting her babysit the kids to anyone who will listen though.
BUT I do find leaving the room is best for ME - because even though I wish I were a duck at times - I am not :0( I am a burnt out caregiver trying to do the best I can with very little help. Agingcare saved my sanity! THANK YOU ALL.
I read that as 'Just be a doormat and accept abuse with your mouth shut because the disease requires it, then all will be well. (That's nothing against you, JG, you know I love your posts)
I can't get with the program. If these elderly people are abusive, verbally or physically, put them in a NH already. Nobody, and I don't care what the reason is, should have to deal with daily abuse and torture because these elderly are so far gone mentally that they don't know what they're doing anymore. If they don't know what they're doing anymore and become abusive, verbally or physically, they need to be with professionals that can handle them, rather than staying home and making everyone around them miserable. Just because the elderly have a disease doesn't make constant abuse less painful or easier to handle.
My Mom would have never said anything to upset me or anyone else, but the disease took over!
I realize if I keep my mouth shut and walk away she comes to me later with an apology. But if I argue or try to correct her she'll stew all day... Soooo, keep my trap shut is the way I go!!!
I like the duck analogy--just let it roll off my back. Walk away and forget it, since she will!!
Great advice.
Tonio
If it is safe to do so (you are not in the middle of giving her a shower, etc.) then leaving the room for a few minutes may be best. Certainly don't react, get mad, correct her, defend yourself, or otherwise disagree with her. When she said she didn't need any help from you, you might have asked if she needed help from anyone, to get at what you needed to know. But I think you handled this well.