I am a caregiver to my 87-year-old mother in my home. She reported me for elder abuse. How do I deal with that?

Palmtrees1 - You hit the nail on the head when you said that your mother has always been "narcissistic and selfish." She is not a woman of good character - and that will never change. About 10 years ago, I made the conscious decision stop surrounding myself with negative people that drag me down - and have been much happier because of it.

Putting myself in your shoes under this description, I personally would put her in one of those homes to let the pros take care of it. I personally would never tolerate someone falsely accusing me of trying to get me in trouble when I wasn't doing anything wrong. It sounds to me like you were doing everything within your power to make sure she has a healthy diet since you said she's diabetic and there are somethings diabetics normally can't have. It takes money to travel and maybe she feels cooked up if you don't have the money to take her out. This can feel like you're living like a prisoner when you have no transportation and you must stay home pretty much all the time. With it being winter and having no vehicle, I know what this woman is going through because I have no car and must stay home pretty much all the time during winter on days it's just too cold to get out and being asthmatic I must be very careful. If you can't afford transportation, maybe you should look for areas where you can save money by dropping unneeded services and subscriptions. This is something I would seriously consider. If the problem persists, maybe you really should put her into some kind of alternate home if she's not going to appreciate your efforts

I don't know your situation but if the shoe fits, wear it. If not, I would just simply placed her into a facility and let them deal with her. I would never continue caring for someone who falsely accused me of elder abuse

Putting myself in your situation, it sounds to me like the person you're taking care of doesn't appreciate it despite your best efforts and provisions. I personally would just get her out of there and wash my hands of the situation if this is the thanks you get. You mentioned having a very large home with multiple luxuries. Well, how would the patient who is now accusing you like to go from the very large luxury us home down to a one room bare-bones nursing home bedroom? I would ask her that and see what she says. I personally would never ever take someone in with that type of set up only to face what you're facing, especially if I had that kind of home. You don't know that she's now going to get a lawyer and go after that lovely home so you better take very serious action to secure it so that if this does happen, no one can take it from you. You better get with a lawyer right here and now in case something does come of this, please, protect yourself before it's too late because you never want to underestimate her if she's gone this far. Make sure you're actually the innocent party in this situation and make sure none of her accusations are true because in so many cases, abuse really is occurring

I have found that most people with dementia are selfish and down-right cruel emotionally and sometimes physically but, yes, there is a but in this, lol. If that person was that way when they were growing up and even when they were raising you then they are usually the same way or worse when they get dementia. My neighbor has sat right there whining about herself while I am cleaning up her messes but never offering to help and she is fit other than her mind and then if one of her so called friends that only act like a friend just to get money out of her calls, she dismisses me with a wave of her hand like I am hired help without the pay and then bad mouth me. I would walk away but I am her POA and she has no family at all to help her except for a brother that lives in another state many states away and I don't know if he is alive or dead because he won't answer phone calls from me now that she is off his hands.

It's nice to know that I'm not the only one that has been reported to police. I have been doing the same thing. Walmart which I work full time and take care of her. I never have days off. She goes to the dentist, Walmart, hairdresser, anywhere she wants to on my days off. But yet accuse me of draining her bank account, f--king her over, taking from her. I'm so tired of the ungrateful attitude but I understand it's the dementia but also so hard to deal with. My daughter lives here with me and they fight like two little kids all the time and I'm stuck in the middle. So over this. If you keep copies of the bills and the hairdresser and anywhere you take her then that's your proof of your visits outside of the house. I keep all receipts of things I use her money for that way she can't say that I'm running through her money.

This one is a no brainer for me. If my mother ever reported me to a government agency, I would make sure she no longer had to be exposed to such a terrible person as myself. It wouldn't matter if it was dementia. It would be time for me to move on with my life. I don't owe the risk of legal problems to anyone.

To all the above posters: I applaud you all. A lot of good advice. I agree that "we" all seem to have problems truly defining what is "honoring" our parents/spouses. Caregiving is no easy road when an individual is in their right mind much less if they have mental illness/dementia/alz. And even more difficult than that adding a history of abuse verbal and or physical when they were quote normal. At some point a person has to take up forthemselves and set up boudaries of what can realistically be expected of any one person. I don't think giving one's life up to complete martyrdom helps anyone at all.

It's time for mom to move.

A NH would be a better place for her now.

My own experience is that this will not improve. Her behavior will continue to get worse, and AP will have to investigate every time it happens.

If your siblings think they should take her....make sure they are warned. This is going to be the way she interacts with any caregiver.

Find a place for her now.

"If my mother ever reported me to a government agency, I would make sure she no longer had to be exposed to such a terrible person as myself. It wouldn't matter if it was dementia. It would be time for me to move on with my life. "

That would be me, too. And I might even take it a step further, that if my mother ever told ANYONE (and then that person wanted to speak privately to me about it to chastise me) about how she doesn't like something I've said or done, that would be the time I'd start limiting even further my involvement with her.

So far she wants to keep up the appearance of the "perfect family" (ha!) and will not even speak ill of me to my brothers. She has complained about me to my H. (That doesn't matter; he knows the truth.) And of course complained about me to me!

I will repeat what golfgirl07 said "5" yrs ago on this thread, "I'm so damned happy I found this site !!!!!

First of all, if you don't want to do caregiving, get out of your parent's or parents' lives. The best thing would be their own residence and hired caregivers. You can monitor that. Give them some autonomy. So what if they eat something forbidden? Their lives are already restricted and you want to be the food police??? Just because you want them living like old robots does not mean that they are enjoying it. Give them some space. I hope you remember this when you are old and your kids treat you the same way.

Without wanting to be a pop psychologist.. I’ll be a pop psychologist..

Your mom’s behavior sounds familiar. It’s the type of thing my mom has done and my mom has NPD/ BPD.

This kind of person is an actors/ actress and some people buy their lies. They are very different in public and private. Do not expect change but do put boundaries in place. I would not allow her to live with you. Why help someone who has shown themselves to be ungrateful and malicious. Don’t be a doormat or she will take advantage of it. Don’t expect approval from the parent that does this. If they sense that’s what you crave then that’s what they will withhold or use to manipulate you.

Her behavior is clearly that of an ill mind (and sounds like she believes her own lies- mine does too) and she should be treated as such. Firmly.

I would suggest that Damita get some education on diabetes and what the wrong foods can do a to a diabetic. Both type 1 and type 2. And it is nearly all foods, not just sweets.
As a diabetic I think I can lend a helping hand to that. I would love to be able to eat biscuits and gravy but those foods can cause some serious damage to me. Starting with blurry vision and it just goes down hill from there.
An occasional cheat meal is not know to cause permanent damage but a regular routine of it can and eventually, it will.
And please don't throw that line about when I am old and my kids etc. I am 70 years old and have no kids or relatives to step in to care for me. Neither does my wife.
So there.

Did you ever think that people revert to childhood and go through the process in reverse after their fifties? Think about it. My mother and I laughed when she said that old people lose their hair, teeth, eyesight, control of bowels and bladder, wear diapers and convenient clothing, some have trouble walking or doing other functions. When we die, we are going out the same way except some of us have our memory intact. Would you want to be resented or complained about on your way out? If you cannot handle all that goes with the job, hire somebody. Either do it with love and patience and shut up about it or hire someone else. Remember, reasoning in a child or very old person may not be intact.

Old sailor, I am quite educated about medical as a professional caregiver for Alzheimer's patients. Just stating that a life without a few sweets or other treats can make life seem grim. Lighten up. And you, Bubba, are a youngster compared to me. The Depression era children had to do without and were rather different. They feared being without food and other things. They also lavished more on their own children, your generation. Now their grandchildren are the most spoiled and brainwashed group on the planet. That is why elites use immigration to replace people with a more pliable group who are used to little or nothing and are grateful for what they get from our government. As for not having progeny to care for you, there are programs available to fill that void but you may not like those alternatives. Stay as well as you can for as long as you are able.

I can't believe that! It must feel like a knife through your heart. It seems like no matter what lengths you go to for them, they are ungrateful.I just found this site, due to dealings with an abusive elderly mother, whose behavior is similar to what is being described here. Thanks everyone for sharing, it helps to have guidance on how to handle it, and to know there is help out there.

I just want to say I have learned alot about my husband and his relationship with his mom & myself since coming to give her support after her husband passed away. We are truck drivers (man & wife team) at least we were until about a year ago. Up until then his mom (my Mil)was still able to get around on her own. She wanted us to have her house after her husband died if we wanted it her other children had their own places & we were renting our place in texas it just made sense to us because our children are all grown & on with their lives. She lives in a 55+ community in Florida, we thought the house was paid off we didn't know that she still owed on the house, she never told us until we packed our things from Texas & moved out to her place in Florida. We were still able to work at this time but she started having more & more health issues she was 79 yrs old at the time of moving out to florida we were 54 yrs old anyway I would came off the truck & would nurse her back to health & would go back to trucking, this went on until January 2017 I haven't been able to go back to work.She kept having falls & hurting herself. We never thought our lives would change so drastically coming to help her out. Her husband was my husband's step father, his mom has been married several times. I did not know I would giving up my trucking career & my income to stay with his mom for who knows how long. My husband and I are long haul truckers so we are on the road for weeks at a time. Us being in this position has caused our relationship to suffer as well as our income. We don't see one another that often & when we do its all about his mom this has caused me to look at my husband in a different way. I see him show more concern for his mother than I have ever seen him show for me as his wife. It's really causing me to resent him & of course theirs stress from all this tension from feeling awkward from being separated because of his mom & all her needs. She is someone that expects alot from us because we are christians,she expects us to be her everything. I have done more for my MIL than I have my own mother. I do all shopping, planning of meals cooking cleaning washing folding putting her clothes away ( the way she wants it done)..walk her dog, get her dog groomed distribute medicine for her dog & her take care of her doctors appointments, blood work appts. Pedicures, bathe her, lotion her, buy her diapers I'm her do - all girl..I serve her her meals...and I purchase all of this...I'm tired & it is expected of me yes as of about 6 months ago she turned her check over to my husband but this doesn't cover all the expenses that we are out on her day after day week after week month after month..she tried assistant living for 2 months & wanted me to still to come & get her all the time, she still wanted me to take her to all her doctors appts. This has been so hard my whole life is her & her dog..my husband just says I don't know what to do. I'm so very exhausted & I'm so disappointed in my husband allowing my Christianity & kindness to be taking advantage of, I don't like to have these negative feelings I pray & I believe that God directs our lives & decisions because we do seek his guidance but I'm truly feeling like I'm alone in this. I suppose I just really needed to get this out & I hope someone can give me some feedback. Thanks for listening to me go on & on...I'm a mess

I just want to say I have learned alot about my husband and his relationship with his mom & myself since coming to give her support after her husband passed away. We are truck drivers (man & wife team) at least we were until about a year ago. Up until then his mom (my Mil)was still able to get around on her own. She wanted us to have her house after her husband died if we wanted it her other children had their own places & we were renting our place in texas it just made sense to us because our children are all grown & on with their lives. She lives in a 55+ community in Florida, we thought the house was paid off we didn't know that she still owed on the house, she never told us until we packed our things from Texas & moved out to her place in Florida. We were still able to work at this time but she started having more & more health issues she was 79 yrs old at the time of moving out to florida we were 54 yrs old anyway I would came off the truck & would nurse her back to health & would go back to trucking, this went on until January 2017 I haven't been able to go back to work.She kept having falls & hurting herself. We never thought our lives would change so drastically coming to help her out. Her husband was my husband's step father, his mom has been married several times. I did not know I would giving up my trucking career & my income to stay with his mom for who knows how long. My husband and I are long haul truckers so we are on the road for weeks at a time. Us being in this position has caused our relationship to suffer as well as our income. We don't see one another that often & when we do its all about his mom this has caused me to look at my husband in a different way. I see him show more concern for his mother than I have ever seen him show for me as his wife. It's really causing me to resent him & of course theirs stress from all this tension from feeling awkward from being separated because of his mom & all her needs. She is someone that expects alot from us because we are christians,she expects us to be her everything. I have done more for my MIL than I have my own mother. I do all shopping, planning of meals cooking cleaning washing folding putting her clothes away ( the way she wants it done)..walk her dog, get her dog groomed distribute medicine for her dog & her take care of her doctors appointments, blood work appts. Pedicures, bathe her, lotion her, buy her diapers I'm her do - all girl..I serve her her meals...and I purchase all of this...I'm tired & it is expected of me yes as of about 6 months ago she turned her check over to my husband but this doesn't cover all the expenses that we are out on her day after day week after week month after month..she tried assistant living for 2 months & wanted me to still to come & get her all the time, she still wanted me to take her to all her doctors appts. This has been so hard my whole life is her & her dog..my husband just says I don't know what to do. I'm so very exhausted & I'm so disappointed in my husband allowing my Christianity & kindness to be taking advantage of, I don't like to have these negative feelings I pray & I believe that God directs our lives & decisions because we do seek his guidance but I'm truly feeling like I'm alone in this. I suppose I just really needed to get this out & I hope someone can give me some feedback. Thanks for listening to me go on & on...I'm a mess

Sweetie, you are letting her victimize you; not only that, but your husband is getting to keep his job and not having to deal with all his mom's stuff.... Call a halt. Just tell him you will no longer do it; you want to go back on the road (or whatever you want now), and give him a time frame (soon). My mom was running me, tho we don't live with her; she was always calling wanting something. My husband called a halt; he told me to only see her once or twice a week, have her make lists of stuff she needed and we'd get it all at one time, hire others, even residents in her building, for a couple dollars, to pick up her mail, take down her trash - all the little stuff it takes to keep someone in her apt. Then he began to help me; he takes her shopping himself, and we take her out together now, not only me, because she isn't stable on her feet. Tell your husband this, and he may cowboy up and help with HIS mother, especially if she is in, or goes back in, AL; then you two can get back together.... God bless you - He wants to!

lessonlearned - Listen to mally1. Do as she recommends. Being a Christian does not mean you become a slave, a doormat, or a servant. I recently read somewhere on this thread (or another - can't remember for sure) someone, in similar situation as yours, was told to pray for "a servant's heart". What? How nauseating! Makes me want to puke.

This sounds so much like the abuse I put up with as a carer - she told me I yelled at her, hit her, stole her jewellery, money & food. I was dumb, stupid, showing off (when I finished my Masters degree), lying to her. Not a word of this was true. I looked after her with loving patient care for over 12 years as she succumbed to dementia. My brother- who was POA- was told by her that I had yelled at her - and took her to change her will. I am now having to contest the will for something I did not do against people who did so little for her. I feel completely betrayed by my family who did so little

This sounds so much like the abuse I put up with as a carer - she told me I yelled at her, hit her, stole her jewellery, money & food. I was dumb, stupid, showing off (when I finished my Masters degree), lying to her. Not a word of this was true. I looked after her with loving patient care for over 12 years as she succumbed to dementia. My brother- who was POA- was told by her that I had yelled at her - and took her to change her will. I am now having to contest the will for something I did not do against people who did so little for her. I feel completely betrayed by my family who did so little

Scares me when people start resenting the caregiver. Mine would pull the "I have no food" routine because she didn't like the home-cooked meals I carfully prepared - low calorie, low fat, low carb. She'd never eaten so healthy in her life. I did my best to give both variety and flavor, but she complained to anyone who would listen & they felt sorry for her and rushed right out to bring her the fast food she was asking for. She also complained of dehydration because I would not buy bottled water for her. Nothing wrong with our tap water - drink it. Anyone who would listen - she would tell them a story about me. Didn't spend enough time with her, I didn't understand "her situation" (this is code for "Mom's not getting her way"). Not sure why the "cared for" turns on the caregiver- anger at the situation in general & not really at the caregiver? Kathwo, you've been through way too much. And your brother taking a confused woman to change her will is questionable at best.

My mother is 98. She's always been a hypochondriac, as well as a vindictive self serving hypocrite that has no friends because of how she treats people. Everything is about her. She was man crazy and money crazy and married a pedophile that she lived with until he died of Alzheimer's because they had money.
Her step kids were all she cared for and neglected and abandoned her two kids. The stepson took their house, vehicle and money step daughter refused to help her so she called up her last surviving kid for help after the husband died.
This resulted in a lawsuit to recover a small amount of the assets taken.
She now spends her remaining money on Publishers Clearing House useless junk. Around 2,000 dollars in past four months. She is rapidly running out of money. She refused to listen to reason that it's a scam and is sure she will win.
She lives with me as she has absolutely no other place to go.
I am retired and in poor health. She doesn't cook, do laundry or do any other activity. I have no help with her. My children despise her. She tried to keep us separated as much as she can with her obnoxious behavior.
For three years I have had her 24 hours a day without a break.
She went to the fifth grade and never had any common sense.
She lent a neighbor 10,000 dollars and it wasn't repaid. Made loans to people she hardly knew and was never repaid.
She's 98 and thought a 62 year old gay man was in love with her and was going to ask her to marry him. She wanted to buy a new car and drive it three states away to live with him. Unbeknownst to the man in question.
She believes she is more knowledgeable than the doctors treating her and won't take meds as they are prescribed but takes them how she wants.
She can carry on a conversation for a short time and sound normal but soon lapses into conversations that are completely in appropriate. She will make loud comments about developmentally disabled children in public so their parents can hear. Talk about sex with her husband loudly in the doctors office waiting room. Talks discriptively about every trip to the toilet especially in public and when people are eating. She has no filter whatsoever.
Her entire life has been a series of poor decisions. The husband was the brains of their operation. She has squandered what money they had left since he died and she got access.
I am no longer able to take care of her. She's up all nite long, there's no sleeping ever. I am exhausted physically and mentally.
I dislike her. She was never a mother. She left both her kids with their abusive drunken father's because it " was just too much for her" . It was ok for us though.
I want her to go to a nursing home before she squanders the money she still has she doesn't want to spend it on the nursing home.
I don't want her in my house and I am sick of her demanding self-absorbed behavior. I owe her nothing. I don't feel bad for saying that. Everything is about her. She has ruined my retirement and my health. She refuses to go to a nursing home but wants to go to one three states so she can renew her "love affair" with the man she was fixated on.
I just want her out of my house
and mine and my children's lives.
She is not capable of driving cooking, managing her finances or caring for herself and is increasingly incontinent of bladder and bowel and she is also very nasty. She has a cat whose litter she won't change or let anyone else and she refuses to flush her toilet regularly. She is just gross and has to get watched 24/7.
This was supposed to be a temporary arrangment but now she feels she should be permanently housed here.
I have tried talking to her health care provider but they aren't interested in listening.
I hate to get up in the morning and I am more depressed every day. There is no quality of life or retirement for me.
My advice to others is to send them to a nursing home. They won't ever change.

This post is from 2012.

It's an old post, but the problem is current for sure.  How about ideas here, strategies for eviction, turning abusive parents over to the state, etc. etc.  Sometimes that is what you have to do in self defense.

My mother had bruises from medical procedures and told 2 nurses, a physical therapist and 2 doctors that I was abusing her. She thought it was cute and funny. Even after I explained how serious those allegations are taken and that it could cause me no end of trouble. She scoffed and acted like I was making a mountain out of a molehill. I called the social worker on HER and they did a home visit at my request. The doctors knew me and our situation and knew I was not abusing her. I never heard anymore about it. She was in assisted living within 2 months. She had lived with my husband and I for 4 and a half years and I took care of her and her husband for 4 years before that in their home. I still make sure she is well taken care of. Mostly from a distance. On a more positive note, I have been able to forgive her and find compassion for her. It has not been an easy journey but one I am glad to be making. I did not believe I would ever get to this point but thankfully I have. I let her know in no uncertain terms that I am not her emotional punching bag and that I will end the visit or not visit at all if she is ugly. Things have been much better since then. It's possible with a good therapist, understanding family and most of all, for me, God's Grace and Mercy. Still a work in progress but progress has been made. It's possible.

this is how dementia works - the brain loses its filter - and does not function the same - this is not the fault of the person themselves - This is DEMENTIA. It causes so much stress and heartache in families - behaviour can be different and abusive towards the primary caregiver - the rest of the family who are only around part of the time hear the complaints - this called PARANOIA. Make sure your family knows what is going on & especially the medical professiuonals. remember CAREGIVERS CAN BE ABUSED TOO

I had the abuse allegation also. My mother's health care provider prescribed her Xanax, tramadol, Norco, and remeron. She was an incoherent zombie and already sundowning without the drugs.
I talked to the healthcare provider and related the problem it was causing. Instead of re-evaluating her medication they sent two patrol cars out to check on her welfare.
They had no concern that she was up all night with these medications that would snow a horse or that she had been a drug seeker/hoarder since she was 50 yrs old. (Or that she refused to destroy her deceased husband's old medication. )
The officers thought she was well cared for and by no means neglected. They reported she was in no distress and had a clean living situation. Her appearance and good physical condition is because she ties up every waking minute of my time. ( I have not one minute she's now wanting something or complaining about a non existent problem.)
That was how the healthcare provider addressed to he problem. She is up all night and the breakers have to be turned off on the stove. Money, keys, medication has to be hidden. She requires 24/7 observation. She is combative much of the time and noncompliant with everything prescribed.
I worked as a psych RN for 40 years. Am still licensed and in good standing. My health problems forced me to retire. Still no one would listen.
I changed her health care providers because if this incident. I am consulting an elder law attorney now because I can't stay awake 24 hours a day and she has to go to a care home.
I would not wish putting her on anyone but they get paid for caring for her and there are three shifts to deal with her behavior.
I am glad I decided to do this. Sometimes u just have to say enough and move on. I have no guilt and am sorry I didn't do this two years ago. Some people are just toxic.