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I knew my mom was land rich a long time ago. My mom told me when I was in my 20's that if I didn't start towing the line she'd cut me out of her will completely. And she did just that. And? My son isn't stupid. He knows what's up. He knows what I've done, the hours I've put in, the things I've had to go through. We've agreed that I deserve, have EARNED at least half of all my mom has...and that's exactly what I expect to get. My time didn't come free. My health didn't come free. 10 lost years. 10 years away from everything and everyone. 10 years in a pit, a cave, with nobody else around, just you and the never ending insanity... And I'm supposed to...what?...at the age of 48, with no job prospects and under educated, walk away from these assets because...well...it's just the unselfish, politically correct thing to do...? Well, I'm selfish.
That sentence 'the parent is providing' made me lol. That's a good one, Knight. The parent SHOULD be doing some 'providing' for their care taker, wouldn't you say so? Would you ask a paid professional that lived in, helping and doing for you, to pay the light bill? As far as I'm concerned, all that stuff should be provided at no charge to the care giver, and they should get a fat salary, and people should be on their knees every night thanking whatever higher power they pray to for the honor of having them there, and thereby giving THEM their freedom...
Parents earned those assets and that dough to take care of THEMSELVES. When that's no longer possible, those assets and dough should go to doing just that...even if that care taker is their child...hell, ESPECIALLY if that care taker is their child... Nobody should demand that a burden that could go on for decades be placed on their children for free...
Oh, and just so ya know, not everyone here can afford facilities with state of the art gyms and theaters that could be in the Ritz. Must be nice!
I did my mom a favor. She damn sure didn't do me any these last few years.
Yes, my mom is enjoying her time at the respite center, thank God. I hope she continues to do so. 'Force' her to stay here? lmao Had it been up to me, she would have been there long before my EKG went out of whack...
People deserve to get paid for their time if they look after their elderly parents. Sibs that don't do squat, imho, don't deserve squat. I wouldn't give them a dime if that were possible. If you do the work, you deserve the assets, or at least most of them..
Personally I would love it if my mother wanted to move to a senior apartment, but she doesn't like to socialize. She wants to stay in her house. If I weren't here, the other option would be a NH. She can't afford AL around here. It cost way too much. And she couldn't live independently.
Do you feel caregivers are getting in the way of their elders' lives? I never thought of it that way. I guess in some cases it might be true.
Where does the value of what the caregiver is providing come into play?
Get it in writing (something to discuss while parent is still mentally able).
Be sure to include days off and vacation (with in-home care giving service providing respite if family won't help).
It is sadly the ones who do nothing who are the first in line to get "their share" .
Also, if parent's money runs out - at least you will have it and can use it towards their care.
If they have to go on Medicaid you can be sure the government will take what they have. (And if you have spent your money/life waiting to get it back from parent's estate - you may well wind up with nothing. Who will take care of you if that happens?)
Have the conversation UP FRONT! Reach agreements immediately, now!
After the fact, no one cares. My brother recently said, how nice it was that Mom was healthy until she died. Well she wasn't healthy at all, she was in the hospital many times for years and I was with her every day.
Years ago, Mom was advised to put her house into her children's names equally. That was great advice financially, but from a care givers perspective, toward the end when she offered me her home, she hadn't owned it for years by that point.
I had NO idea what I was getting into. It starts slowly. It seems manageable. You feel you can be kind, you can do this, until you realize you have given up years of your life!
Our parents, sadly will die... as we will some day. When I started the process, I didn't want to think about that. I thought a kindness was appropriate. So I gave kindnesses until I became the door mat... and there was nothing left to provide care for me.
It is critical to acknowledge ... this is a terminal endeavor. It will end. Our parents will not grow up and go off like our children. We will watch them deteriorate and die. It may be fast or slow. It may be with complicated medical issues or occur in relative good health until they sleep. We can NOT know ... Will it be a few weeks, a few months, years... or 10-15+ years?
Based on the unknown length of time, yet known outcome caregivers must find advocates who can help them consider this issue, because when you start out, you do NOT know what you are about to face.
Get help, early... to set agreements right up front.
Do not under appreciate yourself. Like with a drowning, if you try to save someone but drown in the process (or become sick and unemployed) you can't help anyone. Take care of yourself, always.
Acknowledge that people/siblings who do not live nearby have NO idea how much you give. You will give so much more than they ever can... and you should be recognized and compensated for it!
I take care of my elderly grandfather. His son is 50% beneficiary on his accounts. Although my grandfather has stated many times that his son does nothing and I do everything and that he finds his son's behavior terrible, the son still remains the main beneficiary. Reading about those who do all the work and do not want the other siblings to inherit as much--it is really amazing to see that expressed for me. I feel the same way but feel guilty about it.
I have a caregiving contract in place. We had to make one up for the VA benefit. Now my grandfather has lost the benefit due to an inheritance. (I posted about this in another area.) And I am poring over his budgets, making them balance, so he doesn't have to dig into the principle of his money to pay me.
WHY? Why am I so determined to keep that money for others? It makes no sense. Like many of you, I have found that I cannot make as much money because I am in this caretaking position. There is an opportunity cost.
At the same time, I can't quite figure out the "hourly" value of the work. When I am taking him to the doctor (or my husband is), we're "on the clock." But when I'm cooking dinner, I also eat the dinner. Sure, when I'm cleaning poop, I need to clock in. But there are hours where I'm just in the house, sort of on call, minding my own business.
There is also the fact that my grandfather actually does contribute toward household expenses, food, and utilities. Since he has the resources, he can do this. But then I feel like, well, I sort of have a renter. Maybe that is enough, and on top of that, I should not get paid. I am really struggling with how to make this all work for us and we want to have a little sit down with him to figure it out.
But it was just great to read that so many others are dealing with the same thing.
And an additional thought on that, when we have children we are required by law to care for them or they will be taken away. We are not lawfully bound to care for our parents, but instead what happens when we take this on is we are ridiculed many times by selfish siblings that are concerned about the impact on their inheritance if we were paid. And if we take it on, then we are subject to laws and regulations to provide a safe environment for them. Then selfish siblings call the authorities with completely false accusations.