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Maggie, your early signs of dementia may be just exhaustion from caring for a parent who has dementia.
Placing her in a facility where she will be safe does not necessarily mean that she will be drugged up to the point she can not function. (It is possible that she may not be able to function due to the hallucinations, paranoia, delusions, fear...anyway)
For yourself.
You decide now what you want to do and what you want done.
Make sure your kids know what you want, why and while they may not like it they need to understand this is your decision now while you are mentally capable of making that decision
See a lawyer preferably an Elder Care Attorney and make sure all your legal ducks are in a row.
You appoint someone that will be able to carry out your wishes with no hesitation. If you are living in a state where medically assisted suicide is legal talk to your doctor. (If you do not live in a state where it is legal would you consider moving?..kinda kidding)
And I have to ask...why is mom on Palliative Care and not Hospice? I think there would be more benefit from Hospice. More care more options.
What a messed up world it is where every measure will be taken and no expense spared to keep an elderly vegetable with no life alive in a facility.
Yet some younger person who is poor or had lousy insurance will be refused treatment that can not only heal them, but restore them to a good quality of life.
This is dreadful to see, but unless there is medical reason a person cannot sustain or take nourishment, there is really no way an MD can legally withdraw food and water. I know you will have heard the arguments about the slippery slope of families deciding when life sustaining measures are withdrawn.
My heart goes out to you and I hope Mom is soon at peace. My bro was diagnosed with early Lewy's at age 85. In all truth it was a relief that he died of sepsis before Lewy's could work its wonders. For him, and for me as well.
As for yourself, make it clear to everyone who is likely to outlive you that you that you wish no efforts in extending your life. You may want to discuss visiting one of the states in which death with dignity is offered.
Curious as to how 80% of your DNA comes from mom?
Dying with pain management is hardly ‘without dignity’. I don’t see how VSED is any more dignified a death. If anything, it’s more like martyrdom. Suffering does not make one’s death more dignified.
If a person chooses to die via VSED, fine. Just saying it’s not the easy or less traumatic way out.