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Back to my earlier post when Mom was admitted to NH stable..... they switched her medication and I noticed (because I know her) I tried to explain to them , I know your just doing your job, I know you think I'm telling you this because she does not want me around and that's not why I am concerned, I am not telling you I want you to drug her, I'm simply telling you I know her and you'll be sorry!!!! Well Mom went from being the easiest resident to being the most difficult.... then I get a call "what do we do your Mom's out of control!" I warned them!!! I explained to them that I know she has dementia that's why she's here and you can't fix that but the meds she was prescribed were for stabilization, Not for creating another person. I want her stable for her benefit not yours not mine. I am telling you all this because, you know your Mom you know when she's happy and just because she's need 24/7 NH care does not mean you don't have to care anymore. You can communicate with the staff, Dr's etc.
The 30 day transition period helped A LOT. We got her used to the routine and at the end of the 30 days she was content. There are some family members that did not want to be involved and still do not visit. That is the hardest part for her. She does get lonely and if I had known they would flake out, I would have moved her closer to me, so I could visit more.
My point is at the mental hospital they diagnosed and treated her with meds to stability, to the point that she was to anyone not knowing her unable to see her dementia. without the meds and the routine and the assistance in daily needs she appeared to be quite alright. Prior to the mental hospital she was, as it looks from your post just like your Mother. Three years later not much has changed with her behaviors, a few times I had to meet with staff about her personality change, it was due to meds being adjusted not the illness alone. The NH decision was truthfully the best thing for her. There was no way I could have done it alone. She is happy for the most part and she gets a lot of stimulation, entertainment, and is well cared for. I know everyone is different and I also see many types of dementia and behaviors at the NH. What I see is people who complain about not wanting whats good for them. I see people smile because there is entertainment, I see crying screaming, I see the staff giving people who are not in reality, moments of joy and much needed care. With dementia you can do what's best for a person as much as possible you can't reverse the condition. You can only adjust to the situation given and do what's best for the quality of life. If you are doing what's best for a person blame and guilt should not be your concern. These emotions are normal but not helpful. You really should get a diagnosis from a neurologist and try to stabilize her condition by routine and care needs that will be stable. Trying to reason with a person who has dementia is useless. You can try to focus on what the solution is and not the problem. I learned this the hard way myself.
Thanks for the advice, jeannegibbs. I try not to use it as a threat...but sometimes it comes out that way...we tried it in the earlier stages to get her to cooperate and it sometimes worked but now that it's advanced, it's not working. I have a mental disorder myself so I understand that her actions aren't directly her fault but the fault of her brain's chemistry and malfunctions. This gave me more patience with her attitude problems than my dad's patience. However, the level of care she needs has increased, along with her combativeness recently and I don't think we're providing her with the help she really needs. Also the rest of the family is starting to come around that she needs additional help that my father and I alone cannot handle.
I will pass on the idea to my father of the idea that it "doesn't have to be true--it just has to be kind" and see if he can agree to that. To be honest, since her dementia got worse, she turned on my dad and accuses him of just about everything. He's become the target of her aggressions and when I ask her why, she says "I don't know". So even if it was the state (in reality), she's probably going to blame him anyways...
Unfortunately, she was considerably more sane when she went to visit my aunt in a care facility in her dwindling days, which may have also fed her negative view of such places. She's always been antisocial...so I don't see her changing her mind about an elder care facility. No matter how this goes down, it's going to be rough.
BUT ... I don't guess you are going to show Mom any signatures. You can tell her any one you want signed her in. Make something up -- The Agency for Elder Healthcare -- or anything that would take the blame off of Dad.
Mom has dementia. She cannot help her behavior. She cannot be reasoned with -- she just does not have the capacity. Telling her that not taking care of herself will land her in a home makes the home sound like a punishment, and probably doesn't help her attitude about going to one. (I know you didn't mean it as a punishment, but she probably isn't capable of very sophisticated reasoning at this point.) Her lack of self-care is not deliberate and she can't simply be talked into behaving better. There is something wrong with her brain -- plaques or tangles or clumps or something that doesn't belong there -- and no amount of promises or threats or convincing is going to change that.
It is not Mother's fault that she has dementia. And it is not Father's fault. I am sorry he is feeling so guilty. He did not cause the dementia, he did not make it get worse, and he cannot help it that she is beyond being cared for at home.
I hope you can all do what needs to be done for Mother. Then tell her any explanation that will minimize her grief and interfere least with her relationships with all of you. It doesn't have to be "true" -- it just has to be kind.