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Regardless - mom yelled at me “I’m gonna turn you in for elder abuse!” To which I replied “Great! I’m sure I’ll be barred from seeing you while they investigate- I could use a break. But tell me, which one if your sons is gonna step in and take care of you in the mean time?”
That was the end of that and she never made the threat again.
I would also request that she not barge in while he is visiting. If he pays out of pocket for her, then he needs to tell her he is her boss and he won't tolerate her actions.
The aide is being very unprofessional. She has no proof of abuse. When your ex visits, the door should be left OPEN AT ALL TIMES. If possible, Mom needs to understand that if she makes accusations, even false ones, they will be investigated. Her little handmaiden will be barred from visiting and then where will she be? Your ex needs to go to the RN on duty at report the actions of the aide. Unless the aide has been “planted” by APS she is waaay overstepping her boundaries. He can also call a Care Confernce and Lay down the Law.
There is no resident doctor as this is technically a "retirement village" rather than nursing home-it is less costly and there is limited means. So trays are not brought unless it is paid for separately...at $25 a day! So the ex goes three times a day, plus he needs to monitor her meds for her.
X-MIL never was good at understanding others or any kind of empathy so it is useless to try and explain to her. I have been giving him little tips about things that I find on this site and hopefully he gets some relief.
My dad did stuff like that and I was fortunate that his aides were mature enough to see how I treated him and knew it was him, not reality.
Maybe one week without his care will show her how much she is risking for her own self as others don't seem to matter to her.
Encourage him to get some respite, he could die before her and then what happens?