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A distorted sense of responsibility and other factors too numerous to name cause some people to destroy their own lives in their service to others. Heck, I've even read on this site of people taking their CHILDREN along on their journey to helplessness as they give up their entire lives to care for someone else.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I neglected my own health caring for my husband for 14 months until he passed. It is sooo easy to get caught in that trap. And A TRAP is exactly what it is.
In a facility you can come and visit and the visiting hours are very liberal. If medically approved your loved one can go home for an overnight visit and can leave on approval for just the day. I hear adult children say how your parents took care of you, and now it is your turn. I do not feel the comparison is equal. Children grow and mature into self sufficient human beings. This process starts early on. You will not have to change your child's diapers forever. Nor will you have to keep feeding and dressing them . I am talking about those children with patterns of normal growth and development.
Older people with diagnosis of dementia and Alzheimers with time only continue to decline and present even more health and behavioral problems. In a facility a team of healthcare providers are utilized . At home it is just you.
I love what I do but it is doable because my shecdule consists of a shift and days off that give me a good life balance. Those of you who are the primary caretakers at home may not have this kind of flexibility. Please reweigh your options. You deserve a life too.
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Twice now in the past year I have had episodes of my hair starting to fall out. It got better after she went into a hospital for 6 weeks of IV treatment for an infection, but she is now home after another hospitalization and rehab in a better nursing home but she is now on hospice....and my hair has started falling out again. I know that is no big deal compared to other people's problems, but could be an indicator of my health in general and worse things to come. I keep telling myself that this will one day end and my poor Mom will find peace and be safe from this World's problems in Heaven. I don't want to lose my Mom and wish she could be the way she was before all this happened, but that is not possible. I try to get through it by taking it one day at a time and fending off each day's problems as best as possible. I keep her clean and comfortable and that is all I can do. The hair loss is definitely from worry and maybe my diet needs to be better.
I read from your profile that you're in your 40ties and your mother has general age related issues, plus you have your own business. If you were born when she was in her 20ties, then she's not all that old.
Save yourself from someone who will never change into the loving parent that they never were, plus thinking that you will be the exception to this by sacrificing enough.
Either leave with what you have of your life, get her out of your house so that you can leave or if you are too emotionally enslaved by her blackmail then stay, but whichever, it's your choice. I'm an only child and I understand that dynamic makes it worse and being a God fearing person can easily be manipulated by a narcissistic parent into making us feel we are not honoring our parent by moving on with our own life in response to their emotional abuse.
Doing so is not dishonoring a parent, It is honoring yourself as a separate human being who is just as valuable in the eyes of God as she is and does not find her abusive behavior of you pleasing at all.
Get yourself a therapist, dam the torpedoes of fear, obligation and guilt which are the tools of emotional blackmail which some like to call F.O.G. and take no prisoners while you escape from hell. Make it so. Or the emotional womb that you are in will become your tomb!
My tennitis (especially pulsile tennitis), dizziness, balance and motor coordination problems are acting up. My fatigue level makes me more prone to accidents and falls (especially in the winter), and I when I do yoga I am chronically stiff, I can't develop the flexibility any more. I, too, have noticed more hair coming out when I shampoo, although not to the point where my hair looks thinner yet. I become short of breath and tired out easily when I do physical exertion, although I walk 20 minutes 6 times a day and stand for three hours a day as a crossing guard during the school year, which presents its own set of health problems from air and noise pollution.
I find my skin is a tell tale sign of the stress, not in the form of eczema but cherry what-ever-you-call-its springing up, some very large, all over my body. I started to get them when I was in my twenties, so I get annoyed when doctors say it's age related, as well as pigmentation growths.
Sometimes odd things will pop up and go away, such as when I sprained my back reaching down to turn off the power bar of my computer. Although it was only muscle sprain that took a few weeks to heal, there was traces of blood in the urine; however, when I followed up a month or so later, that symptom had cleared.
I've been blessed with an overall healthy constitution, but if that's the case, I should feel a lot healthier than I do. Of course, there are the emotional illnesses that commonly come with caregiving, like depression and anxiety and trouble with anger and emotional self regulation. I get very irritable quickly now; I used to have a patient, pleasant disposition. I feel that I've lost my empathy - I guess that's burnout, because mom is not open to day programs, respite relief, going out for walks or doing anything to make herself feel better. The repetition of stories from her past and how badly her life has turned out, obsessive compulsive behaviours and constant repetitive questioning are really stressing me out now. Her short term memory is shot, and she is combining several past events into one now. Her g.p. says she could go on this way for seven years, but I highly doubt it; then, again, she's so stubborn she probably will. But she just seems too weak and giving up the will to live.
Sorry for rambling, but short answer, yes, I notice physical and psychological ill effects from long term caregiving, even in just a supervisory role without nursing duties attached.
I don't think we caregivers intend to put our needs last - it just happens. Things come up unexpectedly that require immediate attention (eg.: uncontrolled nosebleed with trip to ER) that disrupt your plans. And when you have your own health issues, getting normal chores done take longer and more energy, so time gets eaten, you rest when you can, and before you know it you're way past your own health check-ups. Whats' one more year? Ugh!
And not everyone has the resources for outside care, or are in a position to place their loved one in a NH. Situations vary greatly, so a little compassion for those in tough places. Hugs to all you caregivers out there!
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