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isolation.....
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Reply to twopupsmom
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Judge Buddha, I so agree about no longer sharing your day. Father ends up somehow twisting it against you no matter how innocent the original story was.
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Reply to bookluvr
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ALL OF IT !!!!!
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Reply to ladee1
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Aside from all the annoying and hurtful behaviors my mom inflicts on me, the big thing is I miss the few good times we used to have together. I have been working at replacing her with new friends, having fun alone, doing things by myself and not having to share what I do with her. She doesn't care, is jealous, or uses whatever I say as an opportunity to put me down, so no more relationship. I am done. I serve the basic necessities as needed and I don't feel guilty anymore. Only so much abuse I am willing to take. Too bad. Mom used to be my best friend and confidant.
Now I don't trust sharing anything with her. That's sad.
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Reply to Juddhabuddha
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The thing that really gets my goat is how little support there is for caregivers. Caregivers could use assistance and services as much as the people they care for. If you don't have a massive network of very committed people with a lot of time on their hands to help you out, then you have a hard row to hoe. The house goes without repairs, as does the car. Your own physical, dental, and mental health goes downhill. It turns into a giant tsunami of disrepair, decay, and depression. A lot of people's financial situation goes into crisis. This is stupid. There has to be a better way.

It also ticks me off that it seems like caregiving gets into the same debate I heard when my kids were babies. The stay at home moms vs. the working moms. Just substitute the word caregiver for the word mom, and it's the same argument back & forth which solves no problems.
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Reply to sandwich42plus
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My father wanted my whole attention to be on him. He would get angry if I was talking to someone else and laughed. He would then treat me rudely. Even if I'm on the phone, he would talk loudly to me and didn't care. I would shush him, tell him to wait.. to no avail. By the time I hang up, I am so pissed off with him, I lectured him and then postpone what he wanted me to do for him. Trying to teach him the cause and effects of his action. So far it's working. But who knows how long it will work as he progresses in his road to senility.
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Reply to bookluvr
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Daughter52, my father is like your mother. If he comes to the basement door and calls me and I dont answer. He continues calling me. If I dont answer, Im on the phone. Ive told him this a million times.. I try to talk louder on the phone (the person on the other end probably thinks Im crazy) to indicate that Im in the middle of the conversation.So I have to talk even louder. it always ends in me storming up the stairs yelling "Dad if I dont answer, then Im on the phone !!!!!"
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Reply to toomuch4me
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I think I have a journal of about 200 pages of "the one thing" that bothers me most. This is a little, quirky thing that bugs me. You see my mom and I live together in a small home. I have my own room with my own bath. My little 8x10 room is my sanctuary where it can relatively be quiet albeit the thin walls. I can still hear slightly voices and sounds that occur outside in the other parts of the house but when I am in here the sounds are subdued. Now here's the thing: My mother---no matter what room she is in the house---will talk to me, ask me questions, comment, etc. expecting me to hear everything she is saying while I am in my room. I have told her over and over that I cannot hear what she is saying when I am in my room. I have even brought her in my room and I would go out into the other part of the house and loudly talk to her to show her that voices do not carry. But without fail (and always) she will continue this habit and when I do not answer, she will mutter and say stuff like, "well, I guess you are not talking to me", and the like. Constant negative mutterings if I don't respond. Most of the time, I ignore it, but it bugs me a little.
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Reply to daughter52
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I think I have just reached complete compassion burnout. I get the meds, make sure they are taken, clean the bsc in her room, make sure she eats nutritionally, all the MD appointments etc, I feel like a robot. When she has boo hoo parties for herself now I feel nothing , just nothing. I just go about the motions of making sure her medical ,hygiene needs are met. Her emotional needs , who knows.She doesn't have AD, just a controlling narcissistic person who no longer has control and it ain't pretty. She is on an antidepressant. I just no longer have guilt over her complaints of being old, can't do what she used to etc...I don't have control over those things either. Just burned to a crisp.
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Reply to timbuktu
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I know the feeling. I have only been at this a few months, it has always been how grams is, not how are you. No one asked if I needed anything.

My guilt over feeling selfish and asking for what I want came to a head, I had a temper tantrum, broke down and cried so hard I thought I would never stop.

Then I asked for what I wanted. Because one day my dad says "She is 96." What is that suppose to mean? Yes, it is difficult for her. I told him it was difficult for me to. Did he forget I gave up my home, my business, to move in here so I could take care of her? It is not easy for me either.

Now I am asked how I am doing, if I need anything. She gets angry, but I let it alone. Because I do count.

We do count. But not until we say we do. I have to heal my childhood wounds and then I am more readily available. I have learned how to ask for what I want and make sure I get it if it is available.

I am learning how to turn it around for me. How to heal my childhood wounds. This time with my grams has become a blessing despite the pain.

I wish you well on your journey. It is not easy. I do know only one thing, I count when I say I do. But then I have to learn how to make me count.
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Reply to ConnieSO
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I no longer have a life !! Prior to this past year, my focus was on my job and my three children. Now the focus is on this daily fiasco. Perhaps I wouldnt feel as bad if my father couldnt do anything on his own. He simply cannot live alone. On a daily basis I have to deal with his caregiver who I am convinced loves to create drama. Im the only person who has to deal with it. She is the perfect employee when my siblings are around and Dad just loves the company. Since I work from home I have to deal with the daily dose of drama. She cannot simply come in and do her job. She has to has a reason to leave early, to talk loudly on her cell phone, to complain when someone doesnt "help" her with the groceries, or if someone actually tell her what to do.
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Reply to toomuch4me
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I feel, at times, my life has been held hostage. I have a brother, he even lives WITH my parents, but he stays down in the basement unless he is eating or going to work.
Between work and parents I leave the house before 8 and do not get back till 7 or later...
When do I get a chance to see my kids?? Or my husband?? Oh wait!! When they come over to my Parents house to visit them or work for them.
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Reply to Gypsy4T
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My dad when he first moved in slept toll about 8:30 am. But has getting up earlier and earlier. This morning is was 6:15. There goes any just me quiet time this morning and no bike ride.
*sigh*
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Reply to 57twin
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This thread had been on my mind for awhile now....I tend to think about everyone else who has loved ones farther along than my mother. For the past month "sundowners" has become quite obvious. She tries so hard for it NOT to be obvious...which makes it more obvious. More often than naught she can't remember where the bathroom is.... I can't blame her for having a sour look on her face. For that matter, I guess she can't be blamed for most of this. SIGH
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Reply to JeanetteB
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Mom has been gone for hours and said, "I'll be right back" when she left. Talk about kicking yourself! SandyK05: This may sound strange, but I ENVY you for being able to let it out. I know you feel horrible, but don't. We can only take so much. I feel SO guilty b/c I was SO happy to have my house to myself--even if it was just an hour or so--and NOW... what if something has happened to her or, worse yet, she has caused injury to someone else? We were supposed to go to the Notary's office today to get the POA finalized, but we hadn't set a time b/c I was playing phone tag w/the Notary. Maybe she's doing this for spite.... who knows? I realize that SHE probably doesn't even know. I'm supposed to go with my dear friend (single mom) whose only child is graduating High School tonight. I promised her I'd be there for her. I feel like I can't make promises to ANYONE anymore. If you believe in prayer, please say one. I'm so tired... and I was having SUCH a good day for a change!! Thanks to EVERYONE on here and I wish you HOPE for better days! PS to sandyk05: If I had to take care of anyone else besides my Mom, I'd be beyond bonkers. Give yourself a break for "losing it" .... who wouldn't?
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Reply to KayBee58
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He has been pretty good back to "normal" for him. Pretty talkative when I picked up at adult daycare except when he took off his coat he pulled out an electric razor with cord from his coat pocket! Will have to call tomorrow as I have no idea where he got it besides from somewhere at the adult daycare.
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Reply to 57twin
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57twin, that is frightening. If you read this let us know what has happened in the last few days.
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Reply to JessieBelle
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The losses that come with the territory are 1 thing, but the ease of which so many assume you are a parasite waiting for someone to kick the bucket, just because you would ever let your Grandmother down and never leave her or abandon her.

I was abandoned, and left to dry, luckily I had an agreement or I might be pushing a shopping cart around missing teeth.
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Reply to cobrafang
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Dad couldn't figure out how to turn on shower last night. Got that figured out now but after I got him to bed went back to watch Tv.
Husband called me and dad had gotten up went into our bedroom, filled a cup I had on dresser and went to sleep in our bed.
Woke him up very confused of course but got him back in his bedroom. That is a new development.
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Reply to 57twin
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Sandy, please don't ever feel sorry for whining - that's what we're here for - to support each other. This is a rotten situation that has been forced on most of us by circumstances beyond our control, and it just flat-out stinks some days.

Hang in there sweetie.
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Reply to ASusan48
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sandyk05, I commiserate. Perhaps the old boy just can't hold it any more or can't remember that he needs to go before you leave the house. My husband also can't hold his bowel movement any more. With the 'depends' pull-on pants it's easy to just get him to just let go, then walk him to the bathroom and carefully remove these pants with the mess. Then it's just a quick warm water & soap wash to make him nice and clean again, fresh depends, and off we go. Takes all of 10 minutes at most. I also give my husband an immodium tablet when he has diarrhea - the kind that dissolves on the tongue. That usually cures him for a day. Schedule extra leaving time if you can so you're not rushed when an emergency arises.
I understand your despair, take a deep breath and remember "..it happens".
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Reply to Alpha3
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I'm adding to my previous post. Today is an exceptionally hard day. Got John ready for his day at day care, then had to drop my daughter off at work so I could have my car for the day. We are ready to leave and he walks past me and I smell poop. He had gone to the bathroom in his pants not 5 minutes before we were supposed to leave the house. I just lost it. Started crying and yelling about how I can't do this anymore. My kids are grown, this is supposed to be MY time and yet I am taking care of a man that I was separated from for 14 years before his aneurysm. His family doesn't want him, so what can I do? I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself and having no life anymore. I quit my job 3 years ago because it was too hard working full time and taking care of him, and now I just have my kids, the grandkids, and him. Then I feel so guilty for saying/thinking things like that. I have more than most. I just feel like everyone you talk to feels so sorry for your situation but there's really nothing they can do. Sorry for my whining.
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Reply to sandyk05
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No thing.
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Reply to moondance
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Whitesage, I know what you mean. The depressing part is not what we are doing caring for our parents, but the constant reminder of what is to come. Its the feeling of hopelessness about ourselves and knowing we cannot stop from it from happening to us. Sometimes I wake in the night and ask myself, why are we here, why is it we work so hard to do good and accomplish much only to have it all end so quickly and in such a humiliating way. Its just always in your face caring for a parent as we are aging ourselves. God bless those who do this for a living.
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Reply to AmyGrace
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Fregflyer: I agree 100% but I didn't apply for this job. I woke up 1 day and it WAS my job--12 hours' notice!
But my main complaint is: knowing where to start if you've decided that your parent needs to go into a home. I've been on this path for 4 months and normally love to research, but now I hate it, b/c it's all a maze. I could now write and book and, if I had any energy left over, I would. I'm stuck: Mom wants her own place; we're in the process of getting a valid diagnosis (i.e., dementia and related diagnoses) and I've drawn up a POA to allow me to discuss her medical needs, applications for Medicaid, etc., but NO ONE can tell me which facilities in my area accept Medicaid. Mom has NO assets (unless you count her 15-yr-old car). She gets approx $900 in SS each month and that's IT! I don't know about other states, but just getting a list of facilities that are not strictly PRIVATE PAY is next to impossible. You're already in a crazy-making, exhausted, frustrated and confused state of mind and you assume SOMEONE will guide you, but you're passed from one Agency to another. Our saving grace has been the local Alzheimer's Assn and a neurologist who knows how the system works.
As far as Mom's "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!" mindset, join the crowd. I URGE all of you to find other caregivers on this site who've posted about their parent (usually moms!) who fit the Narcissistic Personality Disorder diagnosis. It explains a lot and you learn to just lower your expectations, nod and say "uh-huh" and "OK" and move on to the next subject. Blessings to you all!
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Reply to KayBee58
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Amy - your post really hit a nerve. My Mom has advanced Alzheimer's - she cannot move, feed herself, cannot talk and is incontinent. Watching her struggle everyday makes me soooooo scared to grow old. I wonder everyday, will this be me? It depresses me.
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Reply to whitesage
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Oh AmyGrace I fear the same thing!
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Reply to assandache7
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I'm going to add another to my previous comments:
The constant reminder of my own mortality, and worse, that this could be me in 20 years. The terrible fear that I might be forgetful, stubborn, dirty, deaf and so annoying that my children will dread being around me, and will feel about me like I feel about my mother!
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Reply to AmyGrace
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check out this website for caregivers… mmlearn.org
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Reply to faithhopelove3
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Stress and being pissed off at family.
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Reply to margaretst
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