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Tried to get respite care-they couldn't take my husband-a case of COVID had popped up. Maybe in a couple of weeks can try again.
He should be giving you huge hugs every day.
I guess the hardest part for me is trying to help my dad while he screams at me then I end up screaming back and walking away because even though he has dementia he has always yelled since I was a kid and I think that it just triggers me. He is the only person who can get me so upset. Then I feel like a horrible person. This process repeats over and over and over...
That, and the poop, I cannot handle the 💩 that gets smeared all over the place. We actually have to remove the toilet seat and pressure wash it because it was so bad. Hubby wanted to trash it and buy a new one but it’s the third one we’ve had to buy in a year! She would just plop down instead of sitting on the toilet and break the seat. The one we pressure washed was 2 weeks old. PT tried to work with her and she was able to sit correctly but as soon as they left, the plopping would be back.
I remember reading a poster who said they hadn’t had a mental break (total relaxation, no worries) in years. Maybe me, too.
Endless worrying isn’t good for you. My blood pressure was out of control when I was caregiving. I had to find ways to reduce my anxiety.
I have recently decided to "place him" in memory care as I am about as overwhelmed as a girl can get. This is not like calling for a hotel reservation! You, and your Loved One, must be approved! So far I've had 2 turn-downs because my husband is deemed "disruptive and somewhat violent". Please...... He's a guy, he's afraid, he's unsure of everything, he's not able to comprehend conversation, he relies on me for everything. They arrive, sit on our sofa, ask me questions about him. He roams around our house because, after all, it's his house! He walks past them and they are scared out of their wits! What's up with that? So at one of these, he erupts when he's suddenly approached, fight or flight response is just natural, at least in my thinking. So he's deemed violent, but out of that encounter I find out about a calming drug. In the last few months this has changed our life, he's happier, I am able to think again! Why isn't this drug talked about and suggested by caregiver's, doctors, anybody? It could have saved us a long time ago!
And so, I keep on keeping on. But he has to go somewhere else, I need to find someone who's willing. I don't need help from national "find a place" people, I just need someone at a current facility to care enough to take him in the space he's in now. Just care for him like I do, listen, watch, help when needed and let him be in his new world.
My heart goes out to all of you here, I know what you're going thru, I have either been there already or am going along with you into new more horrible areas. We're all going to lose our patients eventually, just hopefully before our own lives are over. Thanks to the Forum for letting me vent a little, this is the thing at the moment that bothers me the most. Give your patients a little space and take them for what they are. Think how you would like to be treated, imagine not knowing what anything is anymore. Imagine someone having to wipe your butt, having to try to eat without knowing what it is, imagine listening to people talk to you in a foreign language all day long! It's hell for them, too, not just us.
You know, many times when I come to this place (this website) I do it out of true despair and only find comments filled with anger, resentment, and “I need my life back” statements because of the situations they are living. All of which is understandable, however! we, all of us, specially those whose life became handicapped in some way, shape or form, are deserving of some degree of understanding! even sympathy. The way you describe the new world your husband lives in is so kind, you try to walk in his shoes. You try to be and are his best friend indeed.
I care for my mother, and like you I just NEED, desperately, someone that with human kindness did what I do, be with her, make her feel included (she lost her hearing and has tinnitus among hundreds of other ailments. But the lack of hearing completely isolates her); Why is is so difficult for a caregiver to find conscious help! Why do we end up being the ENTIRE WORLD for one person…and the entire world cannot take a break because there is no one that can take over!
I understand you. I feel for you. We both are there, have been there or will be there.
Just know someone else with a similar mindset is living the same situation. Thank you for that message that obviously talks about tiredness and frustration, but also about understanding and love!
My mother lived in our home for 14 years. Towards the end, I was burning out too. I understand how you feel.
Caregiving full time is very challenging, stressful, difficult and exhausting!
My DH needs 24/7 care due to brittle diabetes, incontinence, bleeding wounds, heart attacks and falling risks from a traumatic brain injury.
We have wound care, PT & OT 2x weekly which are invaluable. But I need to get away, alone, for at least a week after 19 months of full time care following his brain injury and surgery.
has had fractures, utis, numrrous cuts and scrapes - didnt mention the loss of friends because of limited mobility
This happens to many women.
This doesn't exist. She calls me every day wanting to talk it to death for hours but I can't wave a wand and make her perfect living situation happen. I can't seem to get her to realize she'll have to let go of at least one of these "wish List" items. Anybody have an elderly parent in a place without a garage? How's it going? We live in the mid-South so storms are more of a concern than cold weather.
Only thing to say is each day is one day closer to your ordeal ending.
I wonder if most parents who did care for their parents, if they expect it from their children. I have told my girls that I never expect them to do caregiving for me.
My caregiver days are over but I felt like they would never end. It’s a hopeless feeling.
It seems right now my life is CO-OWNED.
Having someone in my house ALL the time.
No alone time.
Having to redo what she's done.
Repeating everything I say, multiple times throughout the day.
Cleaning $hit off the toilet and the floor.
Having no support from siblings
Oh... Just one... I have so many....
I agree with everything you posted except about the siblings, I have none so I do the above alone.
:)
Oh , yeah , you are right , it’s a realization that your world is different .
On another note ……, I remember I would take my Mom to the store , and I would get “ one of the looks ” from other shoppers .
1) the pity look
2) the why do you have that old lady out look
3) my favorite . When you would run into another daughter who was also with her Mom and you give each other the nod .
Ah yes, envying other’s lives. Some of my friends totally escaped any caregiving and are enjoying life . I also happen to be younger than most of my friends and they are retired . They have time to do whatever they want . I don’t have time to join them. Meanwhile DH and I work and have been caregiving on and off for many years . First my parents and now his .
I’m at the mall right now. I see all these happy, laughing people. And I’m thinking, “Yeah…they don’t have elderly parents. No wonder they’re so cheerful. They have zero stress.”