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These people I'm seeing are strange. Years ago, I went into a job and did it. I did not get personal or was asked a lot of questions about myself. Clients knew I was there to care for them and allowed me to do a job. Now I'm seeing these clients want to have long conversations about their lives and problems. I feel like I'm being used as a sounding board instead of a home health aide. I want to get on with the work and maybe chit chat with them later on and keeping personal conversations at bay or not at all.
I need boundaries. I'm sick of people looking for me to be a friend and a therapist later to be met with lies and falsities being spread about me. I've witnessed a couple of them going back to the agency and lying. These are mental health cases, dementia clients along with needing personal care. I hate the agency in all due honesty that allows this type of behavior that later try to gaslight you and make you go back to these terrible clients.
Boundaries are needed in this field of work.
If any of you have some feedback on how to deal with this, you can send me a private message or hit me up here.
All I know is that I am quickly approaching burnout.
Either my sister or I do our parents laundry, not the NH. The bins are clearly marked. But some idiot put took their clothes for laundering and is missing. At first I thought it was only my mother’s stuff but it’s my father’s too.
I am leaving to go give hell to the laundry department. It is not a trivial problem even though it seems it.
I am under enough stress. I don’t need this.
🙁
Can I pay some money, and then you’ll take them….?
I swear I would rather someone clearly speak their mind instead of dealing with them being ridiculous with passive aggressive behavior.
I can see how this would drive you nuts, Scampi. Take care of yourself and enjoy your time off when you have off days.
BIL is coming to visit my FIL in AL near us. It’s expected by my BIL, that we pick him up from the airport and drive him everywhere he wants to go . DH keeps telling him to rent a car . BIL complained to his mother ( ex wife to FIL ) . We visited MIL this past weekend and she gave us grief about it. According to MIL, we are tour guides on request and should be “gracious hosts and show him around “ , since BIL is coming to visit . How dare MIL get involved !!!!!
BIL is not coming to visit us ( never has in the 18 years we have lived here ). BIL is coming to visit his father in AL , and decided while he is here , he would visit some landmarks he wants to see nearby . BIL expects DH to use vacation days to drive him around . He just wants a free chauffeur and tour guide .
DH said No , he already used a bunch of vacation days last year to move FIL near us. No visitors are telling him what to do with his vacation days. DH says he’s not throwing parties or entertaining FIL’s visitors .
Y’all don’t need anything else to deal with. He only deals with things part time. You and hubby have been overseeing your FIL’s care for a long time.
The anxiety that went along with caregiving was exhausting.
Lack of sleep may actually tie with experiencing anxiety. Most people can handle a night or two without sleep. When it happens night after night, it becomes too much to deal with.
Ive tried to support my sister because I did not want all this to fall on her because she lives close by. I guess I feel guilty about that.
She is not answering my calls or texts anymore. I cannot keep stroking her fragile ego on top of everything else going on. I am ready to go back home and just not come back here anymore, ever.
My parents managed to destroy the family by failing to plan. There’s nothing left.
Sorry . It is rough going . Mom
and Dad are not in their home anymore and they aren’t going back there . They are being cared for . If sis is POA let her handle the paperwork with the lawyer . Take a deep breath . I think you and sis need to stop visiting parents everyday . Let Mom settle in more . You both sound burnt . Take a day off or two a week .
Maybe you and sis should both take a break and just have a sisters lunch together one day and you both skip visiting parents that day . Sort of like playing hooky together . My sister and I did this on our shared birthday ( yes we have the same birthday but different years) . It helped to have a day to hang out just the two of us .
Stand your ground . No one can force you to do the caregiving . I’m assuming your mother would not be able to get them to let her leave ( unsafe discharge) .
As far as your mother’s behavior and what she says to you …..
” Sorry you feel that way . You need to stay here for your safety , I have to go now .” Leave , hang up the phone .
I would not visit or call her everyday .
Don’t allow your mother to frighten or bully you . If you need to , go no contact .
When I put my mother in AL , I had to go no contact a few times for anywhere from 2-6 weeks at a time .
My mother used to like to sit right at the front door and watch people come and go . When I didn’t want her to see me but I was dropping off something for her , I would park , call the facility and they would send someone out to take the supplies ( usually Depends) from me and they would put them in Mom’s room without her even noticing .
I know it’s easier said than done to control the fear and anxiety . (((Hugs)))
My mother has been in the decrepitude, neediness and actively dying since she was in her late 50's. She's 86 now.
The learned helplessness has pretty much been my entire life.
People can be in the caregiving chains for decades.
I'm tired of people not following their care plans and trying to get you to work as a cheap housekeeper instead by moving furniture, cleaning under beds and driving your car in the ground.
If they don't want to follow their care plans, you can't force them.
Wait your shift out. If they want a fire to start, they can wait until you're sjift is over.
I don't think he can be left alone much longer and I need a break once in awhile.
Anyone else have this going on?
Rant whenever you want!
My relationship with her was always one-sided. She loved me, and I couldn't stand her. When she was healthy, she basically moved into our apartment (she would "visit" for weeks at a time with no end date) before her son and I were even engaged. And because my husband was building his business, and was never home, she would pounce on me to chat about the random strangers she forced into conversation with her or to tell me the stories of her friends whom I never met and never would meet, as soon as I got home from work, which was the worst because I am an introvert, and I needed down time after working in a very high maintenance, high stress environment all day. She would make plans for my birthdays months before I even thought about what I wanted to do or even asking me first (I'm close to my family. I would rather have been with my family than her and my FIL). She went to my hairdresser and "somehow got the same haircut as me". She started shopping at my favorite clothing stores, and of course we "magically" ended up buying the same clothes. She developed a sound bite for me about who she thought I was, which was something she did for all her friends, and would repeat it to my friends and to strangers, which irked me the most because I grew up in a small town that was like living in a fishbowl, and I moved to the city to be whoever the hell I wanted to be on any given day. Also it irked me even more because it was the very narrow bit of who I was that I couldn't hide from her because she was like an invasive plant, and the more she got of me the more she would take from me (see examples above).
And all this is to say how painful it is for me to have to care for her like she's my mother (and I loved my mother but she's gone, and this woman is not and never has been a mother to me). And I resent the implication that she could ever have replaced my mother. My mother gave me wings, and this woman wanted to trap me just like she tried to trap her sons. So here I am taking care of her solely because I don't like to see someone suffering, but at the same time I hate her, and I hate constantly thinking about her and ever being in a situation like hers. I hate that she married and had kids with her useless, selfish, verbally abusive, husband. I hate that I have to take care of her, and that she thinks I see her as a mom. I hate that she tells me she loves me, and wants me to hold her clammy hand. And asks me to stay with her longer when I'd rather be out doing something for myself for a minute before I go pick up my son from school. And if you read this rant this far, I appreciate having a place where I can write all this down, so I can let it go, and not end up in a room next to hers some day because she is never going to die.
My FIL has this idea that we have to do what he wants to maintain his lifestyle . He is an entitled spoiled man .
Just how are they planning for their retirement? LO's die, no job, no saving, nerves are shot, physically worn out and in some cases have nowhere to live.
IMO, the boomer generation has really gone off the deep end, helping both their children in adulthood and their parents and at the same depleting their retirement funds, there has been no balance established.
My parents from the "Silent Generation" did not take care of their parents, when we left home as young adults (for the most part) we were on our own, no revolving door policy.
My mother is 98 in AL, my step-mother is 85 in MC. My brother and I are their watchdogs, we do not finance their lodging and would never have either one of them living with us, we care, but we must protect ourselves as we are getting old as well!
This is what stands out to me!
Forget the Boomer generation and all their problems. What about my generation?
Generation X. We're the 'sandwich' generation. We're stuck caring for demanding elders and often young children and even grandchildren while at the same time working full-time because we still have to earn.
The 'Boomers' retired at 65 and the women at 62. Us Gen X'ers will have to work until they nail our coffins shut.
Back in the 'Silent Generation' people did not live to the point where they required 24 hour care for years or decades at a time.
My friend's mother just turned 91. She has dementia and has been in LTC for 15 years. She's been completely invalid requiring total care for the last seven years.
Non-verbal. Can't even put food in her own mouth. Sits tied in a wheelchair during the day. Gets spoon-fed three bowls of mush a day, craps herself a few times, then gets put back in bed. That's been her life for the last seven years.
The eight years before that was a combination of my friend nearly driving herself to a nervous breakdown trying to care for her mother and all her "emergencies" along with having a young family and a job.
Then placement happened and she spent the next few years getting dozens of phone calls a day from her mother begging to go home. Or berating and threatening her. Or crying and panicking hyseterically every time she saw or talked to her.
Really, her mother's life was over about 20 years ago and if she was living in the 'Silent Generation' it would probably have ended around then too.
Instead, modern technology and medicine keeps people like this alive indefintely.
It's different times also when kids have to move back home. It was a lot easier to make a living when your generation left home than it has been for mine and the ones after mine.
So the lesson here is don't stay with someone who can't take care of themselves because some day they will likely be in charge of taking care of you after sucking all your energy dry, and they will never find the strength in themselves to do for you what you've been doing for them all those years.
The main thing I’ve seen, is entitlement. If we live long enough, we age. That’s a given. But, it seems as if there are aging people who aren’t aware of this and, when they become aware, sometimes, they’d like to have free, private, 24 hour care, with a smile, from a person who is still working. While I know many people, indeed, do this, for an aging loved one, I don’t tolerate entitlement. But, I can see that there are aging people who feel they “assign” people, when it’s an appreciative ask. It is the potential caregiver, that makes the decision, including what they are able and willing to do. It is not, or at least should not, be slavery. I find it incredible that people who may have retired early, without a medical or financial plan, seem to become immediately and entirely “unaware” of other people working and pursuing their own lives. That they almost wonder where people are and what they’re doing — they’re at work.
There appears to be butter indignation, when they’re told no. Some of them, will do nothing to attempt to mitigate their circumstances and, instead, may worsen them. They may not actually want use of public resources available to them, because they feel they “decided” the burden would be placed upon a singular person. In addition, sometimes, their family’s are apart of this frame of thought. They may have that aging relative move to an apartment complex, where they “choose” a neighbor, who they feel would be suitable to provide free care, so they don’t have to. They remain hidden, until their relative passes and appear, when it’s time to read the Will. Only those who understand the dynamic, are able to avoid it. But it isn’t without pressure, coming from other neighbors, who also, willfully don’t know any better.
It is important, if/when it can be afforded, for a person to obtain long term care. It’s also important to note simply feel you can retire early, without doing math. As I’ve recently witnessed, a neighbor of mine did both. Knew she was going to become ill, retired early, without enough savings to qualify to do so, even adopted 2 thoroughbred dogs for thousands of dollars. When I spoke with her, 4 months ago, she told me she would soon be leaving (evicted), because she’s running out of retirement. Her family wasn’t helping her, but they all seemed to think taking care of her affairs, was to usurp my life. She died a week ago. Sadly, lucky for her as, she was probably weeks away, from becoming a very sick, very homeless woman, while heading into winter. Pretty sure there are a few people, who think primitively and think all of that was my fault. Good thing it doesn’t matter to me.
I've been told - by friends and healthcare professionals - "Let me know and I can help you." Ummm, OK - so when my hubby is incontinent overnight and I find out in the morning, I can say "Just sit in your filth until I can find someone who can drop everything and come here RIGHT NOW".
(mic drop!)
And unfortunately it is all solo because there are nowhere near enough elder care resources in our area. He had been in a subacute post-rehab unit for 2 weeks when COVID struck in 2020. He needed a full-time advocate to make sure he got basic care - and food! So when the facility blocked all visitors I had to get him out of there and have been responsible ever since.
I feel really bad for elders who do not have an advocate!
Thank you for letting me vent...
And edit - he is 81 yo; I am 72 yo -