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I miss the freedom of not always being worried about everything, of not feeling sick with anxiety.
Sometimes, like now I feel there is no way out, no me, I don't exist except to take care of Mom..and my Dad's wants and needs. He is constantly taking his financial stress out on Me, almost blaming me...for State Farm dragging their feet for Mom's $9,000 left of her (2 yr) plan. I am fried. Caregivered out. Compassion fatigue.
Siblings don't help, honestly the boys can't or won't because "it's too hard seeing Mom like that".
They are in a long term care facility - I love my Mom more than anyone on this earth. And I get upset, angry, lose patience. It's never ending. I must start to not be there 6 times a week. And stop doing their laundry, showering Mom, cleaning and shopping! Ranting, I know. Been a rough week as I'm crying typing this. Thank you, everyone, here for being so authentic and wise and straightforward.
As the sole POA and decision-maker for my Dad, I would appreciate family asking how I am doing, instead of asking me intrusive questions about finances or how I made decisions in the past. Nobody helped me or even offered emotional comfort when I really could have been helped out with just some kindness and encouragement.
When they don’t get POA in order and expect a relative to pick up the fallen house of cards .
Well, after preparing my home for mother’s arrival- adding a half bath and giving her my bedroom - it is all hers while I sleep on a twin bed and bunk with my treadmill - not a word of thanks. Not a word of “it looking homey and comfortable” - I can only ASSume these things because she sleeps quite well in there!
Well my home is 8 hours north of her so now - after reading all of your advice on here I will now take it and run!
I'm taking her back to her home in 2 weeks- going to her lawyer- either spelling out a plan for her at home or AL.
I’m taking my life back. I have spent almost 2 years in this dysfunctional mentally stressed state in her home while I have other people taking care of my home.
No vacation - no appreciation- I’m mentally and physically exhausted.
But it’s nearly over for me. Just have dad now and thankfully he is a lot less demanding. Just give him a jelly donut every day and he’s happy. He is just a nice person.
That conversation in the shower was a back handed compliment designed to manipulate you to keep you in servitude .
They acted insulted and focused on each other's facial expressions more than my explanation suggestions and problem solving. Still they act as if I've never voiced my concern. When they come to help me they hurry as if they need to be anywhere other than with me.
I've sat down and told them exactly how their actions and lack of make me feel. They act like they're listening and then they think that after our talk all is better. I tell them No it's not. Once I see that you have heard me and are making the needed changes then I'll start to feel better. Then when those changes permanently take place of the problems then and only then I'll feel comfortable. So far my words fall on deaf.ears and the answers I get are YaYaYa yes yes I understand as they quickly busy themselves picking up or straightening up shelves Then they hurry out my door with a quick ARE you good? And before I can answer they are gone.
My disability is new. Being dependent on others for everything is new. Not living alone is new. I hate it here. I dislike being old but I really hate being old and broken and all alone in a house full of people. I'm stuck here and I don't want to anger those who help me transfer to the commode etc.
So not being heard not being fed not being treated as a human being is what I dislike most about caregivers.
I need help. That won't happen anytime soon. Today 3 meals were served to me today I ate only one and that was at 7:30 am. It's 10:27 pm and I'm hungry.
Stick with us , will help ya figure this out. Life isn't perfect, but much better when I realized I don't have to do it all!
But you are a daughter? With endless love, patience & time to spare!
You must provide all the entertainment for for your Mother.
You must strive meet her every need. To do every task she wishes. To ensure she is happy everyday & never bored.
Yes?
PS I HOPE you are screaming out a loud NO. I DO NOT! as you punch a pillow.
If not, try it!!
Longterm - We need to fight to get state agencies to prevent burnouts by sharing the burden of care for elders and children and not leaving it all to family caregivers to deal with.
My husband has a condition similar to Parkinsons plus depression. It's getting harder for him to leave our apartment (he uses a wheelchair once we're out) and I know we're going to have to move into a more ADA-accommodating place soon. However, neither of us want to* and it's manageable for now. But I'm afraid that he'll end up in the hospital again after a fall and won't be able to come home unless we move, so I'm searching.
He says whatever I decide is fine, but I've been The Responsible One my entire life. It'd be nice to really share the burden, but he just can't. It's exhausting. Fortunately, I work remotely so at least I'm here when he needs me.
[*I've long joked that instead of moving everything, I'll just pile it in the front yard and light a match. Not so funny any more....]
I waited to place my mom when I thought she did not know me. It was easier on me. I cannot imagine the heartache of making that decision for a spouse, However, in retrospect, I think my mom would have adjusted better had she been a little more clear headed. She would have made friends easier and enjoyed the activities more. I waited too long. Just a thought. I wish you the best is this difficult journey.
Your comment is down the thread a little so I hope you’re still reading. I am on the same page as you even though my husband is not to the stage your husband is.
I feel like you are on the right track looking at MC, and the sooner, the better. But please, make sure your financial house is in order first. When one is dealing with a spouse, not a parent, and considering long term care, all of your combined marital assets are in play and if you haven’t already sought professional advice from an elder law attorney, please do it now, before placement, to protect yourself to the extent that you can.
I’ve been slow on this because my husband’s behaviors are tolerable so I apologize for being all ‘do as I say, not as I do’ here, but things can change so quickly with dementia and finding the right placement situation can take longer than you think.
See if you can get some help from a home care service right now before you self-destruct. Even a couple of hours a week will give you time to see an attorney and find a MC facility. Ask questions on the forum if you need guidance; there are wonderful, experienced people here to help you.
I have finally started saying when are bad times to visit like first thing in the morning when you have had a sleepless night caring for someone who thinks it’s breakfast time at 3 am.