What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving?

MeDolly, I have the same problem in my and DH family . If some of these elderly didn’t take care of their parents , why do so many of them expect their children to take care of them ? My mother had no problem putting her mother in a facility ,( didn’t last long , my aunt came and picked her up and took her across country to live with her ) but my mother extracted a promise from me not to put her in one which I eventually had to break . My mother passed and my FIL now in AL , but they both expected their children to change their lives to revolve around their WANTS on their schedule . My FIL never took care of his parents , demands frequent dinners out to restaurants , for us to take him on vacations etc. They don’t want their lives to change . They want us to prop up their false independence . Sorry but things change . Is it because they didn’t take care of their parents that they don’t realize they are being demanding ? Or are the selfish ?
My FIL has this idea that we have to do what he wants to maintain his lifestyle . He is an entitled spoiled man .

This is my second rant because the other one was about my useless father-in-law. My MIL is in an assisted living facility. Where we live, AL's have a limit to how much care they are allowed to provide, so someone has to check in on her daily because she's just over the line of what they can legally do for her (for example, she can't really feed herself, and they legally aren't supposed to help her), and that falls to me because my husband (her son) is busy running a company.

My relationship with her was always one-sided. She loved me, and I couldn't stand her. When she was healthy, she basically moved into our apartment (she would "visit" for weeks at a time with no end date) before her son and I were even engaged. And because my husband was building his business, and was never home, she would pounce on me to chat about the random strangers she forced into conversation with her or to tell me the stories of her friends whom I never met and never would meet, as soon as I got home from work, which was the worst because I am an introvert, and I needed down time after working in a very high maintenance, high stress environment all day. She would make plans for my birthdays months before I even thought about what I wanted to do or even asking me first (I'm close to my family. I would rather have been with my family than her and my FIL). She went to my hairdresser and "somehow got the same haircut as me". She started shopping at my favorite clothing stores, and of course we "magically" ended up buying the same clothes. She developed a sound bite for me about who she thought I was, which was something she did for all her friends, and would repeat it to my friends and to strangers, which irked me the most because I grew up in a small town that was like living in a fishbowl, and I moved to the city to be whoever the hell I wanted to be on any given day. Also it irked me even more because it was the very narrow bit of who I was that I couldn't hide from her because she was like an invasive plant, and the more she got of me the more she would take from me (see examples above).

And all this is to say how painful it is for me to have to care for her like she's my mother (and I loved my mother but she's gone, and this woman is not and never has been a mother to me). And I resent the implication that she could ever have replaced my mother. My mother gave me wings, and this woman wanted to trap me just like she tried to trap her sons. So here I am taking care of her solely because I don't like to see someone suffering, but at the same time I hate her, and I hate constantly thinking about her and ever being in a situation like hers. I hate that she married and had kids with her useless, selfish, verbally abusive, husband. I hate that I have to take care of her, and that she thinks I see her as a mom. I hate that she tells me she loves me, and wants me to hold her clammy hand. And asks me to stay with her longer when I'd rather be out doing something for myself for a minute before I go pick up my son from school. And if you read this rant this far, I appreciate having a place where I can write all this down, so I can let it go, and not end up in a room next to hers some day because she is never going to die.

Elaine ,
Rant whenever you want!

I thought I was the only person with those thoughts...I noticed a long time ago that I seem to be here to run and get this or that for him, when we go shopping, I try to get him to make a list of all he wants for the trip to the store and tell him that I want to get it all done, so I am not running back out for some little thing he forgot... it never works, it's just that I am trying to keep his mind thinking, but ...anyway, he has dipped recently to where he is leaving water running more than ever, came home yesterday ,he was out front raking up debris from under the bushes, we talked a bit then I went into the house to find water running in the washtub at a good rate...luckily he had not put a stopper in it or there would have been water everywhere in our home....then there is the leaving on a burner that he forgets as he likes to "finish" drying the iron skillets that way...this has happend when I am home and notice the smell of it as it gets so hot...I am now afraid to go to the store or go visit a daughter for fear of what he could be doing or not doing...most people think he is just fine, he is 92.
I don't think he can be left alone much longer and I need a break once in awhile.
Anyone else have this going on?

Right now, just about everything. How I allow myself to be taken advantage of by these people and get pushed around. Last I heard slavery was abolished in 1865. Sorry folks for the rant.

I'm tired of people not following their care plans and trying to get you to work as a cheap housekeeper instead by moving furniture, cleaning under beds and driving your car in the ground.

I think for me, it is waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for disaster to strike. I am waiting for that time, when I am forced to put her in a nursing home, but will face many obstacles to do that. I am only her POA, not her guardian, so she could refuse to go. I live in fear that some set of circumstances is going to force me to care for her 24 hours a day, when I absolutely do not want to do that. I really can’t. But it’s just the process of navigating it. All, when mother will probably clearly be in the throes of either hospital delirium, or her usual mental illness.

Sure I get tired of being the one to make all the decisions, do the banking, shuttling my husband to appointments. Our daughter does help out doing cooking laundry and taking him out occasionally. Regardless, it's all fallen on me. I have my days having a pity party. Nothing is going to change the course of Alzheimer's. He spent years taking care of us, our daughter and me. It's our turn. He didn't ask for the state he's in. I didn't ask to be in this situation. He'd take care of me again if I needed it and he was in my shoes, but it didn't happen that way. I shed my tears silently when I go to bed or in the shower. Stop your fussing, you yourself are going to be there one day. Hopefully, your kids don't feel that way about you.

I envy the first poster whose post appeared in 2014 to create this thread. In all likelihood she is done with her slog.

What bothers me the most is knowing I'll never get back these past two years of my life. That my own life - what's left of it - is on the back burner while I do everything my husband can't do for himself. His banking. His shopping. His laundry. His prescriptions. His meals. His paperwork. His cleaning. His appointments and home visits. And now I'm doing all his thinking for him. Making his decisions about whether he wants to wear this shirt or that one, or whether he wants chicken or beef for dinner because every question I ask is answered with, "Whichever." I'm living HIS life and taking care of my own daily tasks in whatever time is left over. But I'm certainly not living. Sometimes I feel like a robot programmed to put him first and forget that I even exist at all. And who will care if the robot fritzes out once he's finished with it?

Just wish I can manage my anxiety and nervousness better. Just frightened about the future these days. I am not in a good place.

I feel hopeless trying to help take care of my elderly father. I feel like this situation will never end and never get better. My dad doesn't cooperate with me and my mom. I have no life now.

The stress trying to get my mother on Medicaid and into LTC is destroying my relationship with my sister. She’s angry at me because I brought my husband with me when we met with the lawyer. This is because I am just plain scared and need his support. I’ve done other things which have angered her where she’s felt I overstepped boundaries. I guess I’ve been like a bull in a china closet. I e been trying to find out info so we know what needs to be done.

Ive tried to support my sister because I did not want all this to fall on her because she lives close by. I guess I feel guilty about that.

She is not answering my calls or texts anymore. I cannot keep stroking her fragile ego on top of everything else going on. I am ready to go back home and just not come back here anymore, ever.

My parents managed to destroy the family by failing to plan. There’s nothing left.

Horrible family members. Why was I born in this family?????? Anyone wanna trade places?

I always felt like waiting for the other shoe to drop was the worst thing.

The anxiety that went along with caregiving was exhausting.

Lack of sleep may actually tie with experiencing anxiety. Most people can handle a night or two without sleep. When it happens night after night, it becomes too much to deal with.

It sounds horrible, but I’m constantly thankful that I don’t really even like my mother. And haven’t since I was seven years old. The only reason I interact with her is that she knows I’m the strong and practical one of her kids, and I’ll get things done. When she doesn’t like what I have to say, she just hangs up on me, and that’s fine with me. So I don’t really stress about what happens to her day to day. She refuses outside help out and anxiety meds? Mmk, then she’ll fall in a quivering hysterical heap on the floor when she runs out of laundry detergent, whatever, not my problem. I think my brother is kind of heading that way, realizing that as much as he tries to please her, and do whatever she’s tells him to do (as he’s always done), it’s becoming impossible for him to work, and take care of his own house, and at the same time, be at her beck and call. He’s getting short with her, so she complains to me, and I side with my brother! This is all such a cautionary tale. I hope to never ever put my daughter through this. Not that she would really cater to my needs, I know that, so I have a realistic expectations going into this old age thing.

The expectations , entitlement and selfish demands, not only of the LO you are looking after, but flying monkeys .

BIL is coming to visit my FIL in AL near us. It’s expected by my BIL, that we pick him up from the airport and drive him everywhere he wants to go . DH keeps telling him to rent a car . BIL complained to his mother ( ex wife to FIL ) . We visited MIL this past weekend and she gave us grief about it. According to MIL, we are tour guides on request and should be “gracious hosts and show him around “ , since BIL is coming to visit . How dare MIL get involved !!!!!

BIL is not coming to visit us ( never has in the 18 years we have lived here ). BIL is coming to visit his father in AL , and decided while he is here , he would visit some landmarks he wants to see nearby . BIL expects DH to use vacation days to drive him around . He just wants a free chauffeur and tour guide .

DH said No , he already used a bunch of vacation days last year to move FIL near us. No visitors are telling him what to do with his vacation days. DH says he’s not throwing parties or entertaining FIL’s visitors .

I'm a paid caregiver. What I hate most about this field of work is running into narcissists and liars. I had a recent incident where I got thrown under the bus by the client. Then over those last three weeks, I put up with all types of passive aggressive foolery to top things off. The agency knew about this person from her past performances. If she got an award for acting, she would get an academy award for this nonsense. Also, I'm sick of watching some of these people work the system.

I hate that it is all about HER. Her needs, her issues, her sadness. Even friends focus on her..she is 90…I am 73…I get tired and sore also.She was always depressive…always complained and now it is worse…Sadly ONE of us has to die for this end!

The person you love is pretty much "gone." Life became difficult when he no longer knew me or our children. I regret the times I was angry with him. He passed away several months ago. Treat your loved one with respect and try not to be angry. Once it's over, you do not want to have any regrets.

Those with Alzheimer's dementia only have a sense of self. Sadly this is part of the disease. I tell my husband I'm not angry at him, I'm angry at the disease.

What bothers me the most? Half my family. They’re extreme bullies. Totally over the top.

Stupid mistakes causing big problems.

Either my sister or I do our parents laundry, not the NH. The bins are clearly marked. But some idiot put took their clothes for laundering and is missing. At first I thought it was only my mother’s stuff but it’s my father’s too.

I am leaving to go give hell to the laundry department. It is not a trivial problem even though it seems it.

I am under enough stress. I don’t need this.

I'm starting to hate it to be frank about it. I'm a paid caregiver. I'm sick of clients baiting me into personal conversations about how long I've worked and etc. Especially ones who have some sort of motive for getting information out of me and using this against me later on.

These people I'm seeing are strange. Years ago, I went into a job and did it. I did not get personal or was asked a lot of questions about myself. Clients knew I was there to care for them and allowed me to do a job. Now I'm seeing these clients want to have long conversations about their lives and problems. I feel like I'm being used as a sounding board instead of a home health aide. I want to get on with the work and maybe chit chat with them later on and keeping personal conversations at bay or not at all.

I need boundaries. I'm sick of people looking for me to be a friend and a therapist later to be met with lies and falsities being spread about me. I've witnessed a couple of them going back to the agency and lying. These are mental health cases, dementia clients along with needing personal care. I hate the agency in all due honesty that allows this type of behavior that later try to gaslight you and make you go back to these terrible clients.

Boundaries are needed in this field of work.

If any of you have some feedback on how to deal with this, you can send me a private message or hit me up here.

All I know is that I am quickly approaching burnout.

So sick of the selfishness, lack of gratitude, entitlement, blaming and accusations. Tired of the manipulation, lies and negative cycles of thinking, that just aren't true.
I hate the word: Normal, that's normal. Ok cool that's normal how do we deal with it, we try and redirect, we try to be empathetic, what do we do with this?!
Tired of any conversation being a land mine whether it is us just trying to engage with her. Or others trying to engage with her, knowing or unknowing bringing up past things that is a major source of conflict. Constantly cringing waiting for the fight after others leave because they unknowingly created a conflict that we have tried so hard to avoid.
Sick of feeling guilty or made to feel guilty we know we have done our very best to provide the best of the best and make the best decisions possible. Yet there is nothing that will help her be happy or at the very least content.
Just as much as she didn't ask for Alzheimer with Dementia, we didn't ask to be abused!

Have said it before, but need to say it again: let justice prevail. Pleasssssse.

It would be the first time I see real justice in my life.

Seeing how narrow their world gets to be and how much it restricts my interactions. Watching the same TV program over and over because it seems new to them, having to answer the same questions over and over, being accused of not visiting even though I am there everyday, etc. I know it is not their fault but still…..

Justice pleasssse.

It also breaks a lot of family relationships.

Depending on the situation ..
the word “ Caregiving “.

Sometimes it’s “ Assigned Servitude”.

Having to do it all on my own. I am 1 of 7 children, single, no kids, so obviously to my siblings I was the best choice to be mom's caregiver. Apparently to my siblings, I don't need to have a life. Been taking care of mom for over 10 years. In 2021 we moved and are now living with my sister and BIL. My sister has been a great help with the caregiving. I get a little time to myself now, and get a 2 week vacation without mom. It's better than nothing which is what I was getting before moving.